need help with self care

[Anonymous]

I am the mother of two young boys, ages 4 and 18 months. I am sleep deprived and everything that comes with raising two young kids that we all face. I love motherhood but money has been tight as my husband's job simply hasn't recovered ever since the economy and so he's taken a major salary cut (70%) that we struggle to bear. he kept thinking things would get better every few months but they just haven't. He struggles to do the best he can so this isnt a knock on him.

I work really really hard and long hours. I feel a lot of pressure as the main breadwinner. But even still, our finances are such that we cannot outsource tasks like lawn care and house cleaners and convenience foods. and I feel like we are having a series of months where everything goes wrong. Car repair after car repair, surprise expense after surprise expense. in the midst of it all, I have let myself go. I've gained a lot of weight and have been emotionally eating and haven't exercised. Chronically exhausted from staying up late to make lunches in the cheapest way possible and clean the house to a basic existence outside of Filth and clean out the cars and keep up with laundry and blah blah blah blah. of course my husband works just as hard as I do. and my youngest is up at 6 a.m. And off we go.

I don't keep crazy high standards but our house is mostly tidy most of the time and while our cars need a wash and have dents, there's usually nothing rotting in them and they run (though they've pushed that luck over the past two months). I just don't think I can let everything fall into hell to make time for myself because that makes me just as miserable you know? but at the same time, I'm fat and nothing fits and out of shape and emotionally eating to deal with the constant stress and financial pressure.

I guess I feel so daunted at finding more time and putting more pressure on myself, that I'm ignoring the problem. Do you have any advice for me? How did you find time for yourself to make sure that you were healthy without making it just another horrible added pressure?god knows I need more haircuts and pedicures, but I'm just talking healthy eating and exercise in maintaining a healthy weight.if you are an emotional eater and prone to these habits, how did you work your way out of them in a way that didn't stress you out more?

Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

--Talk to your DH, take a look at division of labor, and see how you can divide it better.
--Don't keep stuff you like to pig out on in the house. (The kids don't need it either.)
--Make yourself a soothing cup of mint (decaffeinated tea). Make that your new "thing" during the day.
--Try meditating, even for a few minutes every day.
--Declutter. Less stuff = less time cleaning up.
--Limit screen time b/f bed. Go to bed at the same time every night.

GL.

[Anonymous]

This could be about changing habits. After dinner take the kids for a walk. If they don't want to walk, push them in a stroller or wagon. Start moving. When do you stress eat? Make a list of your day starting with waking up at 6am and then circle the areas you think you can change.
If you drink soda, replace that with water immediately. Sugar cravings start with sugar. If you don't eat it you won't crave it.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time now, but taking care of yourself is important. I'd skip the manicures and focus on the haircut and weight gain. Baby steps.

[Anonymous]

It's so, so hard, and I'm sure you're doing the best you possibly can. Finding time for yourself is like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

So I'll just make two small suggestions that may be helpful or may be totally ridiculous for you. Meditate or pray or just breathe for even five minutes a day. It's good for your mental health, which I think translates to your physical health as well.

Capitalize on fun time with your kids as exercise time. If you could run as many circles around the playground as your preschooler can, you'd probably feel better about your physical fitness. So, use that playground time for your own benefit. Chase them for fun. Kick a soccer ball around. Roll down a hill. Do jumping jacks with them. Race your preschooler. Personally, I find it *so easy* to sit and look at my phone at the playground, but what a wasted opportunity for exercise.

What you're describing sounds very familiar. It's hard for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Weight Watchers works. Aside from losing weight, you learn to make better choices about what you eat. If you don't want the monthly expense (it's like $18), get a free app for your phone to help you track what you eat. MyFitnessPal is a good one. When you have to keep a record, you really do eat better.

Get outside and just walk somewhere. It's a great time of year, so get to a park and just walk on a trail. Take one of the kids if you have to.

Find a replacement for eating. The tea was a good idea.

But all that won't really help until you pay attention to why you are eating. Try to examine the underlying feelings...and here's the hard part: do it without judgment. You're eating to avoid when you should be confronting.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It is really hard. Do you have time at lunch during the day to exercise or maybe go for a walk? Start small. We have 18 month old twins, and I keep meaning to get back to exercising, but it's hard to find time. The girls want dinner by 5:30 or so, and I commute 45 minutes, so it's hard to push my work day any later. I'm currently working 35 hours a week and teleworking one day already. But I just recently resolved to try to fit in 20-30 minutes of exercise a couple days a week if I can.

I do a lot of superficial cleaning. 10 minutes here and there. If I take the girls out somewhere on the weekend, I'll ask DH to do a couple cleaning tasks while we're out.

Has your DH looked for another job? Is his whole industry down? Maybe if things haven't improved in another few months, he should start looking around.

[Anonymous]

Substitute other self-care treats for eating. For example taking a bath, reading a library book or listening to a short podcast, drinking tea, or massaging your feet with nice-smelling lotion. That will give you a little treat without any calories.

Try making a gratitude list. You sound like a nice person with good values and you will probably have a lot of things to put on it. Every night, take some deep breaths, stretch, and slowly read over your list.

Forgive yourself for the mess, even though it stresses you out. Cleaning is low on your priority list and you have very good reasons for making that choice.

Forgive yourself for the weight too. It isn't just because of the emotional eating. Your body is at the end of a childbearing and toddler-parenting marathon, and you are suffering from sleep deprivation which is proven to cause weight gain. Once you are out of the toddler zone and getting more sleep, you will have more time and be able to work on it. For now, just make it a goal to eat some healthy foods every day.

Decluttering would probably help you too. I know it's hard to get rid of stuff when you already feel deprived, but you could box some things up for a while and that would make it easier to keep the house in order.

Nobody's life is free of struggle. We all have our ups and downs, and the recession hit a lot of people really hard. It doesn't mean you aren't doing a good job. Think about your grandparents and great-grandparents, and the things they experienced. Financial and health troubles are a normal part of life, and you will get through this.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard to exercise when you have little kids. All I can muster is to do some stretches and yoga poses while they are playing in the living room. Sometimes I jog around with my 5yo and try to make it into a silly game. But it's really hard to get any real exercise. You're not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you are feeling bad. I also emotionally eat and my food of choice is chocolate. I developed gestational diabetes with my last pregnancy and thought I would die because of the changes in diet. But, honestly, after a couple of weeks it was not bad and by the time I had the baby I was totally fine with the diet. I am actually going to go on a modified version of the diabetes diet now (started today) because I just feel gross these days. One good thing about the diabetes diet is you eat frequently so you aren't hungry - like two or three snacks a day. And you can eat some chocolate and now I REALLY savor the chocolate and have a couple of dark chocolate squares at night with some pecans. It kind of hits the emotional eating spot without going overboard.

Anyway, I am just talking about your weight/emotional eating issue. I have heard that the diabetes diet is actually a really healthy way for everyone to live, so maybe look it up and see what you think. For an emotional eater like me, it is super important that I get to eat throughout the day and eat some chocolate

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need more sleep. Adequate sleep is the foundation for your physical and mental health. You are cutting back on sleep in favor of work, cleaning, chores, and exercise, but that is backwards-- all those things will improve with better sleep. It will do wonders for your emotional eating, and your overall productivity as well as your mental health. You probably never fully recovered from the sleep deprivation when your second child was a baby. Try prioritizing sleep for a month and letting cleaning and other things slip-- even the financials if you can. Be a well-rested woman in a pigsty for a while and see if it helps. I bet it will.

[Anonymous]

Reduce the stuff in your house by half. Get rid of 75% of your kids toys, no knick- knacks, one shelf of books - you get the idea. Clean out your kitchen cabinets. make it a goal to have two completely empty cabinets. Once your reduce the clutter, the housecleaning will become so much easier, you won't feel overwhelmed by that one thing and that relief will transfer over to other areas.

[Anonymous]

Sleep is really important, so prioritize it. It's important that you are healthy so that you can be a good mom and worker. I also find that the later I stay up and the more tired I am, the more I will emotionally eat even when not hungry.

Talk with your DH about his role in taking care of the kids and home. I know you both work hard, but are you also both working hard at home? If there are some inequities, ask for his help. There might be ways he can help if you just ask -- perhaps he doesn't realize all that you do and the ways he could contribute.

Do the best you can, and recognize that things will get better in the future. Try to treat yourself with the same respect and love that you treat your children and husband! It's okay if you are a little chunkier than you used to be -- don't beat yourself up over it. Try to love yourself regardless of your actions.

Meditation and/or yoga can help a lot with exhaustion and stress. It sounds daunting, but if you just take a few minutes here and there, you can really improve your mood and deal with life better. You can also help avoid actions that aren't ultimately making you happier -- like overeating. If you don't have much experience with these things, take a few classes to get a basic understanding. Many places offer free community classes once a week like this -- do an Internet search and see if you can find some near you.

Would talking with a therapist help? I'm wondering if a couple of meetings with a therapist might help you sort through your feelings and maybe even identify some underlying anxieties about having enough money. If you have medical insurance, it may be covered so not an expense you would need to worry about.

I struggle with these things all the time, but I find that having friends to support me, doing meditation and yoga, making time for things I enjoy as much as possible, and getting enough sleep really help. I also see a therapist weekly for my own anxiety.

Another thought regarding chores -- is there any way to involve your older child in helping?

[Anonymous]

You've gotten lots of good advice, OP, but I will say that, for me, building exercise into my daily life has been critical to self-care. Park further away than you need to, take the kids for walk, heck, find a cheap double jogger if you can and start there. Take a walk on your lunch break, or any time you can during work.

And yes, sleep. Talk to your husband to see where you can get some time to yourself for exercise and sleep.

I have two kids, 11 months and almost three years, and exercise daily through a mix of runs with the double stroller, working out in our basement, or hot yoga (a weekly treat, but there are great online resources for free or very little money). We have someone come in and clean once every three weeks, but do everything else ourselves. We both work FT, albeit with telework days for both of us. If you and/or your husband have that option at work, go for it. Makes a huge difference.

What about food delivery? I find that the less I'm at the store, the less I spend, plus it saves time. Cook in bulk and freeze for later. Simple, simple, simple foods.

I'm also prone to emotional eating but work hard to keep tempting foods out of the house. But honestly, keeping my exercise habit really cuts down on my desire to eat sweets (my favorite), or at least to eat them in unhealthy proportions. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I feel similarly to you. I am so exhausted during my free time, I don't feel like exercising at all and dessert just seems so good.

Could your DH just quit or go part time and stay at home with the kids? Although you would have more pressure as the breadwinner, he would hopefully be able to take off some of the pressure on you at home- groceries, cleaning, dinner.

I have struggled with weight issues too, and find it easier to lose weight in chunks, then take breaks. I, for example, do no sugar no starches until I lose 7 pounds, then I maintain for a month, then go back to no sugar no carbs for another 7. Ideally I would have that lifestyle change everyone refers to, but let's be real, if it were that easy, It wouldn't be a struggle and this is the best I can do.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to send you some hugs. It's tough.

You've gotten some good advice. Hope things improve for you soon.