Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Your marriage certainly seems like one worth saving - especially given the fact that he has been so open about it, didn’t try to gaslight you, and has shown true regret.

Plus, she is clearly quite psycho; like - I am getting “boiled pet rabbit in a pot” vibes off her. That’s no excuse for what he did of course. But it is an undeniable factor in it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that he cheated with a psycho clinger. Karma. You know he was sweating when she threatened to send pics to his mother.

Aren’t they all? Even the married ones that agree it will be no-strings- all become clingers in the end. These women are all looking for a lifestyle upgrade, ticket out of their lives. Many are just as unworldly as that, never have left the country even by middle age, see a married guy who has an exciting life, travels, good social life and family and they want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. She's single, never married. No kids. I also feel bad for her in a way. It seems like she was very smitten and very naive, but also a good bit of psycho. She screenshotted him his mom's Facebook and said she would send pics to his whole family if didn't respond to her at one point. Their convos are mainly her writing these intensely long paragraphs about her day, her job, her workout, her pet bird, how amazing she thinks my DH is and him responding oh wow, awesome, no way, that's cool. Occasionally he would say more like if he was stressed and then he'd get the ego boost from her of oh you are so smart, sexy, kind, you have a great job, you have it all. You work, work out, cook, raise your kids, maintain a home, of course you are stressed. I would take all your stress away by blah blah blah and on to sexting.

He probably was afraid to stop talking to her for that reason. He’s probably relieved it’s all out now because the stress of keeping her appeased so she wouldn’t tell you and his family is gone now. I know quite a few men that stayed in situations three times as long because they were afraid that would happen when they ended it. Clingers don’t take subtle hints and men pulling away—they latch on harder and up the ante. They sense when a guy is not interested and the “I’d take such good care of you, baby” barf bs.

This is what I’m thinking, too. OP, I’m praying for you and your family. Even if this is what it was, you didn’t deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you working for pay outside the house?

I work from home full time (we both do).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you have been cheated on, lied to and deceived the past 3 years, possibly more. Get tested for STIs. Remember you only know now because you stumbled upon this. He had no intention of telling you and kept this crap up for years. The tears are about getting caught. Not regret over what he has been doing.

I’ve been where you are now. It is hell. It will continue to be hell for awhile, but you will get through this.

Thanks. Did you stay or leave?

It's the rabid STI poster lol. Typically the first responder on every one of the cheating threads.

Hello, rabid "No one gets STIs any more, so why bother to test" poster! Back again, I see. I'm ONE of the posters you love to hate but you always seem to think there's only one of us who lives in the real world where real people can get real viruses from each other.

So cute, how you always jump in to act as if you're addressing just a solo poster, and to think it's a slam on us to say we're "typically the first responder on every one of the cheating threads." Not a slam. A badge of honor.

And nope, that specific post wasn't from me. Believe it or not. You'll choose "not," I'm sure, to bolster your own weird belief that only one person could possibly post on DCUM about STIs! I'm sure there are more than one of YOU out there, determined to spread your gospel that STIs just aren't A Thing anymore.

I'm not saying there's only one poster on here who posts about STIs. What I'm saying is that there is only one such poster who stalks the "cheating" threads and is always first to post. And that poster, my friend is you. You might want to get another hobby.

You might want to consider why you insist on telling others that they don't need to worry about diseases. And I'm still not the one who first posted about STIs on this thread, whether you want to believe that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you have been cheated on, lied to and deceived the past 3 years, possibly more. Get tested for STIs. Remember you only know now because you stumbled upon this. He had no intention of telling you and kept this crap up for years. The tears are about getting caught. Not regret over what he has been doing.

I’ve been where you are now. It is hell. It will continue to be hell for awhile, but you will get through this.

Thanks. Did you stay or leave?

It's the rabid STI poster lol. Typically the first responder on every one of the cheating threads.

Hello, rabid "No one gets STIs any more, so why bother to test" poster! Back again, I see. I'm ONE of the posters you love to hate but you always seem to think there's only one of us who lives in the real world where real people can get real viruses from each other.

So cute, how you always jump in to act as if you're addressing just a solo poster, and to think it's a slam on us to say we're "typically the first responder on every one of the cheating threads." Not a slam. A badge of honor.

And nope, that specific post wasn't from me. Believe it or not. You'll choose "not," I'm sure, to bolster your own weird belief that only one person could possibly post on DCUM about STIs! I'm sure there are more than one of YOU out there, determined to spread your gospel that STIs just aren't A Thing anymore.

I'm not saying there's only one poster on here who posts about STIs. What I'm saying is that there is only one such poster who stalks the "cheating" threads and is always first to post. And that poster, my friend is you. You might want to get another hobby.

Nobody who spends as much time as you do on DCUM should be telling somebody else they need to get a hobby.

-NP

Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, so it sounds like this was less an emotional affair on his part and more damage control. If he was afraid of her going psycho and contacting his mom, then he was just saying, uh huh, that's nice . . . This explains the timeline a bit better.

I second the suggestion for Surviving Infidelity. I'd say it skews pro-reconciliation, but there are posters of all stripes and you definitely won't be told to reconcile at all costs (whereas that's the vibe on Affair Recovery - reconciliation at all costs). On the other side, Chump Lady is all "Rah rah rah, you kick that evil cheater to the curb" with no nuance or ability to ascribe humanity to your spouse.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

For many people navigating an airport pick-up is truly a hardship, especially if they are 65+. I understand having a younger adult sibling pick you up, other than that factor a car service into your travel budget.

My dad is 66 and if he would NOT be happy to hear someone say he’s too old and senile to navigate an airport pickup.

OMG seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So sorry , OP. You sound so lovely and so blind- sided.

It’s also so weird to me that they would have a three- year text affair! I’d just want to know if she traveled to him in all that time as you said he did not?

It seems more like fan fiction ( I don’t really know about this other than a good friend said he lost his wife to that- in that every night she’d just be on an online board chatting with others about some character they all liked. They divorced)

Anyway, the cheating is awful but the lying and giving himself emotionally to someone else for 3 yrs would do it for me. Again, so sorry.

He says she never did. Some.of her messages to him said things like he's lucky he gets to travel for work and she hopes to go on a plane someday. She asked him about airports and what a layover is. There's nothing else in the messages about meeting up, seeing each other, etc except the one time.

Wtf? What grown woman had never heard of a layover?

I hadn't until a few years ago, and I fly 100k+ miles a year. It's a dated term. Like, 1960's dated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. She's single, never married. No kids. I also feel bad for her in a way. It seems like she was very smitten and very naive, but also a good bit of psycho. She screenshotted him his mom's Facebook and said she would send pics to his whole family if didn't respond to her at one point. Their convos are mainly her writing these intensely long paragraphs about her day, her job, her workout, her pet bird, how amazing she thinks my DH is and him responding oh wow, awesome, no way, that's cool. Occasionally he would say more like if he was stressed and then he'd get the ego boost from her of oh you are so smart, sexy, kind, you have a great job, you have it all. You work, work out, cook, raise your kids, maintain a home, of course you are stressed. I would take all your stress away by blah blah blah and on to sexting.

OP, this sounds WAY more like a one-time indiscretion (which is terrible, don't get me wrong!) and then him trying to desperately "string her along" so she doesn't out him. This is not an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. She's single, never married. No kids. I also feel bad for her in a way. It seems like she was very smitten and very naive, but also a good bit of psycho. She screenshotted him his mom's Facebook and said she would send pics to his whole family if didn't respond to her at one point. Their convos are mainly her writing these intensely long paragraphs about her day, her job, her workout, her pet bird, how amazing she thinks my DH is and him responding oh wow, awesome, no way, that's cool. Occasionally he would say more like if he was stressed and then he'd get the ego boost from her of oh you are so smart, sexy, kind, you have a great job, you have it all. You work, work out, cook, raise your kids, maintain a home, of course you are stressed. I would take all your stress away by blah blah blah and on to sexting.

OP, this sounds WAY more like a one-time indiscretion (which is terrible, don't get me wrong!) and then him trying to desperately "string her along" so she doesn't out him. This is not an emotional affair.

Frankly, I’ve seen sexual ones like this too. The woman settles for little, but puts pressure on as time goes by. There is a lot of one-sided emotion—though a lot of times they will feign interest to keep getting sex.

This isn’t even that because of the distance and lack of proximity.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks, all. The sexting included pics and videos on both ends. For 3 years. Idk. My head is all over the place. Though I did dress up extra for work today and walk out of the house like a boss to my fav coffee shop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all. The sexting included pics and videos on both ends. For 3 years. Idk. My head is all over the place. Though I did dress up extra for work today and walk out of the house like a boss to my fav coffee shop

Love it, OP! You rock that outfit, girl!

It's totally OK if infidelity is a deal-breaker for you. On the spectrum of redeemable cheaters, your DH may be on the "more redeemable" end, but he is STILL A CHEATER. He still chose to keep this from you for half of your marriage. You don't have to be OK with that.

I just think, either way, you don't have to decide right now. You JUST got back, you're jetlagged, and you're emotionally exhausted. You get to have as much time as you need, and you can take it one single step at at ime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

I went back to read the first couple pages of this thread and the above is the kind of thing that makes me think PP are overly minimizing this by saying it wasn’t an emotional affair or was one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all. The sexting included pics and videos on both ends. For 3 years. Idk. My head is all over the place. Though I did dress up extra for work today and walk out of the house like a boss to my fav coffee shop

YES! That's the way you do it, girl! Baby, you're worth it! Hugs!