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[quote=Anonymous]Married for 6 years.  We have two biokids and DH has two other kids. DH's kids lived across the country and we saw them 2-3 times a year.  DH has always had little involvement in parenting decisions because he lived so far away, they were never married and never lived in a home together for longer than a year, and because of his awful relationship with their mom.  They come from different cultures and often disagree on things. They recently moved back across the country to our area.  Kids come every other weekend.  DH still has no input on activities, tv in their room, clothing choices, food choices.  When he has tried to make changes or discuss, it ends in fights and threats not to be able to see the kids.  My input has been unwelcome as well. On the other hand MIL is very involved and her input is accepted.  She also helps pay for a lot of things - directly to their mom. She wants to make sure that their mom doesn't deny access. DH just wants to ride it out the way it is until they turn 18 (4-5 years) when he can just have relationships and make plans with them without the involvement of their mother.

He is not a deadbeat dad - just had these kids at a very young with someone he probably shouldn't have been involved with and rather than fighting with their mom, provides child support, calls them daily and just wants to make sure they know they have a dad who cares.

I feel like we are just babysitting when they come over, not parenting.  They play video games and watch tv all day and DH doesn't say anything.  They are very picky eaters and it is too late in a way to force them to eat what we put in front of them. I'm concerned that our children will wonder why they have to eat all their beans,  do chores or why they can't watch tv for hours.  I also read about how some people consider their stepkids as their own and I just don't feel that way because I truly don't have a hand in raising them.  I plan activities, bake brownies, ask about school, but it is more like an aunt or family friend.  I don't feel comfortable disciplining or enforcing our house rules that other kids have to observe.

I feel like there is a large part of my schedule I don't have control over - their mom sometimes demands for kids to come back early on our weekend, change days, tell us at the last minute about a recital or school event, or if something is needed.

We split the holidays and when they're not with us, I want to travel to visit my family but my MIL makes us feel very guilty about it and wants us to stay and still see the kids on Christmas Eve or Day for example.

MIL also seems to overcompensate with the kids, concerned that they'll be jealous of the attention/intact home that our kids have so she buys them tons of clothes and gifts which spoils them and also at some point will be noticeable to biokids.

My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations.  They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips.

We bought our current house thinking kids would only come to visit so they have to share a room when they come and they don't like it.  We can't afford to move but it is truly cramped when we're all here - 2 bathrooms, no family room, small kitchen.

I'm frustrated that unless DH did something drastic, things will remain this way for at least the next several years and on the other hand torn about pushing him to do more because I don't want their volatile mom to move, keep them from him yet also am not prepared for 50/50 custody.

Yes, I should have thought about this scenario before getting married.  Yes, I need to be as supportive as I can to DH, kind and an adult role model to the kids, etc. But if I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have gotten married.  Now that we have our own kids though, I would never want my children to have to live the life of a kid with divorced parents.  It can truly be awful and hard on the kids and I don't want that to happen to them.  I also love DH very much and maybe just have to accept that we will not be a fully blended family.  I always want DH to be a part of his kids lives but I feel like my only choice is to focus on my own nuclear family.

I'm sure I will get flamed but just want to hear from those who have been there, done that.  
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