Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there enough sexless married women to fill this need.

Oh heck no. But that's why prostitution is the world's oldest profession

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would really benefit a lot of these men to be on the receiving end of sex when they were on the “meeting someone’s needs”-level of enthusiasm for it. It might make the whole situation clearer for them.

Agree completely. This is why men in this situation should sleep around discreetly. Saves everyone from having to engage in duty sex.

In a perfect world, couples would be more open minded about finding a way for each person to find sexual satisfaction outside the marriage when the spark dies. The alternative is this rigid method of passion, marriage and divorce which ruins family relationships as you can see from the Second Marriages thread.

If you can cheat and get away with it, you can save all this heart ache

Dumb advice. How many second marriages do you think started when someone didn’t get away with it.

True, it's hard to get away with it forever. But those marriages would end in divorce if celibate so it's sort of the same situation only at least the marriage lasted a little longer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would really benefit a lot of these men to be on the receiving end of sex when they were on the “meeting someone’s needs”-level of enthusiasm for it. It might make the whole situation clearer for them.

Agree completely. This is why men in this situation should sleep around discreetly. Saves everyone from having to engage in duty sex.

In a perfect world, couples would be more open minded about finding a way for each person to find sexual satisfaction outside the marriage when the spark dies. The alternative is this rigid method of passion, marriage and divorce which ruins family relationships as you can see from the Second Marriages thread.

If you can cheat and get away with it, you can save all this heart ache

Dumb advice. How many second marriages do you think started when someone didn’t get away with it.

It's better than just getting divorced outright. If you can have your needs met elsewhere, and the person at home has no interest, what's the harm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

Being depressed is hard. But being in a relationship with a depressed person is also very hard. It is especially hard when said depressed person is not aware of their issues, how to talk about them, or how to take control of them. I always suspect that depression, and the communication dysfunction that can result, is behind a huge percentage of bad relationships.

I think that doctors also don't really consider the emotional and libido killing side effects of hormonal birth control, which they hand out like candy starting at very young ages. I get why they do it, but it is something that is not often enough discussed.

I am well aware that it’s hard. And it was hard for my husband even though I was aware of and working on my issues. You did see the part where I said I was on anti-depressants right?

But even if somebody isn’t depressed, even if they are just sad, you shouldn’t approach them in anger and with no empathy when your needs aren’t being met. Actually you should never, ever do that. Approaching somebody in anger when they have done nothing wrong is just not a good move in a relationship.

You seem awfully defensive for a post that is largely agreeing with you. It makes me wonder how you are as a partner. Yes, I saw that you were on anti-depressants, but I also saw that you said it took you a while to handle your issues. I feel bad for your DH, and I feel bad that you still resent him after all of that. But I am just glad I don't live with someone who both put me through the wringer and then held onto resentment about how I handled being put through the wringer.

And "done nothing wrong" is such a ridiculous use of words. Were you "wrong" to have depression? No. Did he have reason to be frustrated or unhappy with you? Sounds like he did, even though you did nothing wrong.

Well I was defensive because your post was, in a roundabout way, critical of me. But now you’re just being straight-up critical, so you can’t gaslight me when I act defensive about it, so that’s nice.

If a loved one has never hurt you in a way that took you some time to get over, I am happy for you. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t need some time and to make some effort to for me to get over the fact that he angrily confronted me for not having sex more during a time in my life when I desperately needed help. (And that is very different from getting angry. I get angry at DH, but I don’t confront him until I can have a calm, productive conversation)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Well, if she's not trying, then you should have an affair, keep it quiet, and keep the family together.

This is actually the advice of most advice columnists, from Dear Abby to Dear Prudence. If you have made an effort to rekindle your sex life and your spouse refuses, they recommend a discrete affair for the sake of keeping the family intact. if kids are out of the house, they recommend divorce unless one spouse would be left destitute.

So who made these advice columnists the arbiter of all good advice? Their advice on manners in a society is one thing, their advice on issues related to values/morality isn't worth a grain of salt. Why would I want to listen to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my situation:

Married 15 yrs, sexless for 4 years, 6-18 month stretches sexless before that. Very active before kids, started going south once we started trying. Even though DW doesn't enjoy PIV (which is fine - happy to do other things) she usually pushed for that so it would be over faster. The last time was the worst experience of my life - very clear she just wanted it over with.

I have tried to support her career journey, including SAH and PT when she wanted it. I do at least half of housework and cooking and almost all work related to yard and cars. Also pick up kids and help them with their HW since I work from home these days. I have tried most of the "romance" suggestions on this thread at one time or another except vacation since she doesn't enjoy travel.

We have talked about it and she basically says she is no longer interested. She has no friends, so I have thought about telling her sister that we are having problems. (She doesn't want to go to counseling or therapy.)

I am under consideration for a project where I would travel to the same location a few days each week. If that happens, I am planning to tell her that I am not planning to be celibate while I am there. I think she will then file for divorce...

Good lord. Why did you marry her? But yeah, it sounds like you don't even really like being together, so might as well get divorced.

PP here. We were 3-4 times/week while dating and first part of marriage- didn't change until we started trying to get pregnant. Only a year between the kids so infrequent sex seemed somewhat normal/expected. Once the kids turned 5/6 I tried very hard to return to previous frequency - all the romance I mentioned above - but no success.

We actually get along well otherwise and she is a great mother. I don't want to hurt the kids but it seems unavoidable...

Sex therapist, open marriage or divorce.....it's not unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

Who didn't anticipate that this thread was going to devolve in to a just cheat thread? Not sure if OP was looking for validation to cheat or some real advice ( I know it's an old thread). Nevertheless, he has to have anticipated this.