husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

I wish you all the best, truly I do. But are you actually poor now? If you are talking about inheritance- not daily subsistence - you probably are not. You are letting your fear from your childhood break up your current life. You also seem to be reverting to what you know and are heading towards a typical poverty track - single motherhood. If you have the income between the two of you to both be able to live beyond subsistence as single parents (costs of things will close to double), then you have enough to accommodate one more child as a family unit. If you don’t, you and your DD will be back to where you started. Talk to a therapist and a financial advisor. Invest in term life insurance to cover expenses if something happens, not just squirreling away money.

+1. My mom was a single mom, had me at 21, married and went on to have two more kids and divorced. I wouldn’t advise anyone to stay in a marriage that isn’t working but understand financially there can be a hit divorcing. It’s not only maintaining two households but if your DH ends up starting another family with a new woman that’s even more resources diverted from your daughter. I won’t go into all the details but financially my mom and stepdad are doing terrible with their retirement savings. They took a hit in the divorce having so split their biggest investment, the house, and part of my step-dad’s financial issues relate to getting remarried and then divorced.

Still not a reason.

OP has a lot to think about. Her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having lived in poverty for awhile I agree that most people on DCUM have no idea whatsoever what being poor is like. OP I support your decision.

I have a very clear idea what poverty is like. There were many times we went to bed hungry. I still don’t think it’s a legitimate reason for an abortion because OP isn’t living in poverty now. She’s looking for an excuse and this is the best she can come up with. I’m pro-choice and I don’t support her in this.

[Anonymous]

the complexity of pregnancy and choice is that of course the potential child is the responsibility of both parents and both should have some say in the decision. But at the end of the day, one person needs to make the choice if they are in conflict and it has to be the person bearing the child. If men were the bearers of c hildren, I think we'd see a lot more pro choice and not pro life stances.


what I find disturbing about *this* situation is that in an otherwise seemingly stable marriage, the husband would prefer to divorce over not having a second, unplanned, unexpected child, especially after they both were supposedly on the same page of one and done (well, earlier it was none and done). In this sense, he is putting the welfare of a theoretical child above the welfare of their 11 year old and his wife--the family he has now. I can understand if he were sad, and found it very difficult to understand, but decide divorce is the only solution seems extreme. A lot of people will not understand OPs stance, but I do, even if I dont know if I would make it. She's in her late 30s, they have a middle school age child and they never intended to have another child. She has worked hard to build a life that is more secure for her daughter than the one she had. Finally, I think she senses that she would feel resentful at being coerced into another pregnancy and what effect would that have on the entire family? There is no good answer here, but I dont think having a child under the threat of divorce is a good option at all. Sadly, if each spouse continues to feel as they do, the conflict is irresolveable and they should move directly into therapy in order to figure out whether they need to separate and how to best do that to protect their child.

On another note: the day after I had our second kid, at age 41 (with no intervention, first time unprotected), my doc discussed birth control with us, and my husband immediately volunteered to have a vasectomy. It was a super easy procedure, with minimal side effects. He was super proud of it and can't understand why other men don't take this option more frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.

+1

Quoting because I want to make sure OP sees this. Ignore the posters trying to guilt you in the same way your husband did before and is trying to do now. Only one body has to go through this (and good god certainly not your existing child). You make the call. If he divorces or takes any other punitive action over this, you're well rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.

Being older also means she’s probably more financially secure than she was 12 years ago, and plenty of people are older parents. OP herself never gave these as reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll post for OPs sake. Looks like a lot of infertility patients and pro life PPs on this thread. I thought this was a liberal website? Liberal except for a woman’s right to choose?

No-one says she doesn’t have a right to choose. She does, but there are many factors to consider.

Re-read the entire thread. There are a number of posters saying that OP’s husband and daughter have the right to decide as well.

OP's husband definitely has a say in this. If OP didn't want to get pregnant, she should have thought of that long ago.

Nope. The only choice the husband has is to stay or leave. He has zero choice with regards to the termination. Only OP has a choice.

Some of you are being really obtuse. I don’t think the OP’s husband is threatening to keep her tied up so she has to have the baby. He’s saying that he would choose to leave her if she chooses to terminate. How does he not have the right to say that. He’s not saying he would physically prevent her from doing so.

As it has been said many times, of course the husband has the right to say he will divorce OP. If that’s his line in the sand, then he should communicate that (as he’s done). What he doesn’t have is a choice to or not to terminate. THAT is what posters are arguing. He has zero choice in the matter, yet many posters believe he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m my view husband lost his rights when he declared have this baby or divorce. Anyone who would say that after waffling back and forth is equally likely to walk when things get tough anyway. He just wants to be baby daddy. Divorce may be in the cards anyway. Her body, her choice.

Perfectly summed up. Thank you.

People waffle about things all time. It’s human nature. I’d have a very low opinion of any man who was ok with a woman aborting his child, especially if the reasons were as weak as OP’s. The husband is behaving in a normal manner. He’s been around for the first child, so I don’t understand your claim that he’ll walk if things get tough. Not all men are assholes no matter how many times you keep saying it. Several of these posts seem to be more about hating the husband because he’s male. If OP had been married to a woman, I wonder if so many would be as supportive of her decision.

If she were married to a woman, she wouldn't be unexpectedly pregnant.

Affair? Open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.

She didn’t mention that either. She said it’s about child #1 inheritance which is literally unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having lived in poverty for awhile I agree that most people on DCUM have no idea whatsoever what being poor is like. OP I support your decision.

I have a very clear idea what poverty is like. There were many times we went to bed hungry. I still don’t think it’s a legitimate reason for an abortion because OP isn’t living in poverty now. She’s looking for an excuse and this is the best she can come up with. I’m pro-choice and I don’t support her in this.

No you’re not. If you are prochoice you support a woman’s right to chose to have an abortion. There are no caveats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an 11 year old dd and I just found out I am pregnant. I don't want this child and my husband wants it. I have been so careful with my birth control regiment. Our dd is set for life and if we have another one it means that she will get half of what she has now and her inheritance will be divided by two. I just can't. We have discussed it for three days now and he won't budge. If I terminate he threatened divorce. I cannot bring a child into this world that I know I won't love. When we got married we both didn't want any children, then he changed his mind and I gave in. I only agreed because he promised we would be one and done.

This statement is frightening. You couldn't love your own child because it'd take away from your older daughter's inheritance?
Wow...that's downright demented. If I knew your name I'd refer you to child protective services cause YOU HAVE ISSUES and your dd is no doubt in jeopardy.

Which makes her either a sociopath or a troll. In either case, 27 pages of debate is pointless.

[Anonymous]

I'm with PP. The OP is either a troll or has serious psychological issues. Regardless, this was an interesting discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much pro choice but, honestly, this is not a valid reason for termination.

Then you aren't pro choice. Pro choice means you believe it to be her right and her choice, not "permissible" if you agree with the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.

Well..we don't know that and OP could have been 18 when she had her first for all we care. But, no matter what age, it's OP's body. OP's husband's assertion of "baby or I'm out" is just a detrimental and toxic statement to any relationship, and that relationship will not last long even when baby pops out. However, OP doesn't seems to have her priorities screwed on quite right as to why to not have a second child. Again, OP will always be in the right for not wanting to have the child, but to say that she won't love the child as much or her DD would have half the inheritance (regardless, OP could write her own will to exclude DC2 anyways) is a bit off-putting, especially to the pro-life crowd. TBH, OP's reason for not wanting to have the second one is equally telling of her mentality as a parent as much as DH's understanding of women's rights.

[Anonymous]

Op I was in a similar but reversed situation. Dh wanted the abortion. I did not. Kept baby and divorced. As a single mom I was afraid of poverty. But I have a job, home, health insurance and food. Couldn’t justify (in my mind) abortion on poverty grounds. Glad I kept my kid and ditched the ex.