husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll post for OPs sake. Looks like a lot of infertility patients and pro life PPs on this thread. I thought this was a liberal website? Liberal except for a woman’s right to choose?

No-one says she doesn’t have a right to choose. She does, but there are many factors to consider.

Re-read the entire thread. There are a number of posters saying that OP’s husband and daughter have the right to decide as well.

OP's husband definitely has a say in this. If OP didn't want to get pregnant, she should have thought of that long ago.

Nope. The only choice the husband has is to stay or leave. He has zero choice with regards to the termination. Only OP has a choice.

Some of you are being really obtuse. I don’t think the OP’s husband is threatening to keep her tied up so she has to have the baby. He’s saying that he would choose to leave her if she chooses to terminate. How does he not have the right to say that. He’s not saying he would physically prevent her from doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m my view husband lost his rights when he declared have this baby or divorce. Anyone who would say that after waffling back and forth is equally likely to walk when things get tough anyway. He just wants to be baby daddy. Divorce may be in the cards anyway. Her body, her choice.

Perfectly summed up. Thank you.

Perfectly summed up bullshit. Personally I would not remain together with a wife who killed our kid. That seems to be OP's husband's position.

It's not killing.

Go back to school.

Good for you. You are not her so she can make choice. As for her DH according to her he said "one and done" so she has a choice again whether to stay with him. He changed the rules without telling her. Again we really have no idea do we? We don't live behind their closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s interesting how many PPs think that OP needs a justifiable reason to end her pregnancy. In reality it’s very hard to get an abortion in the US right now. Many states have so many barriers to abortion.
Incidentally the vast majority of abortions are performed on married women who already have children and do not want more.

And often their husbands are on the same page, or they are in tumultuous relationships. OP’S husband wants this baby and she has not said anything to indicate that the marriage is unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m my view husband lost his rights when he declared have this baby or divorce. Anyone who would say that after waffling back and forth is equally likely to walk when things get tough anyway. He just wants to be baby daddy. Divorce may be in the cards anyway. Her body, her choice.

Perfectly summed up. Thank you.

Perfectly summed up bullshit. Personally I would not remain together with a wife who killed our kid. That seems to be OP's husband's position.

It's not killing.

Go back to school.

Good for you. You are not her so she can make choice. As for her DH according to her he said "one and done" so she has a choice again whether to stay with him. He changed the rules without telling her. Again we really have no idea do we? We don't live behind their closed doors.

Of course it’s killing. It’s not killing a baby, but it is certainly a life that is being ended. I think you’re the one who needs to go back to school.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m my view husband lost his rights when he declared have this baby or divorce. Anyone who would say that after waffling back and forth is equally likely to walk when things get tough anyway. He just wants to be baby daddy. Divorce may be in the cards anyway. Her body, her choice.

Perfectly summed up. Thank you.

People waffle about things all time. It’s human nature. I’d have a very low opinion of any man who was ok with a woman aborting his child, especially if the reasons were as weak as OP’s. The husband is behaving in a normal manner. He’s been around for the first child, so I don’t understand your claim that he’ll walk if things get tough. Not all men are assholes no matter how many times you keep saying it. Several of these posts seem to be more about hating the husband because he’s male. If OP had been married to a woman, I wonder if so many would be as supportive of her decision.

If she were married to a woman, she wouldn't be unexpectedly pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Skipped to the end here: OP originally said no kids. Then had one who is now 11, and has an accidental pregnancy. I can fully understand not wanting to start all over again with an infant that was unplanned. I think that OP would probably get over the regret of an abortion faster than the many many years ahead of raiding another child. It’s her body and we all know that the woman does both the pregnancy and the work of child rearing. Yes Dads help but the burden is on the woman. It’s ok OP to make a hard decision.

I am a therapist, and you will be surprised how many woman cannot get over past abortion, even 20+ years later. And this is not religious woman (for those I think is much easier to find a forgiveness and piece). A lot of women don't understand what mental damage it may cause in a long term.

I am also a therapist and many women deeply and permanently regret having more children than they wanted.

I was the unwanted child. Growing up I used to think about how my parents would have been better people if they had just had strength to get an abortion. My childhood was horrible. I knew and understood that I wasn’t wanted. I was neglected. It took a long time to move past my upbringing. As an adult I think abortion is the compassionate choice - for the child.

I have children of my own, and if one of them came to me with an unplanned pregnancy, I would fully support them in terminating.

You are leaving out another option, adoption.

This husband wants to raise the child. Adoption isn't an option.

[Anonymous]

Having lived in poverty for awhile I agree that most people on DCUM have no idea whatsoever what being poor is like. OP I support your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Skipped to the end here: OP originally said no kids. Then had one who is now 11, and has an accidental pregnancy. I can fully understand not wanting to start all over again with an infant that was unplanned. I think that OP would probably get over the regret of an abortion faster than the many many years ahead of raiding another child. It’s her body and we all know that the woman does both the pregnancy and the work of child rearing. Yes Dads help but the burden is on the woman. It’s ok OP to make a hard decision.

I am a therapist, and you will be surprised how many woman cannot get over past abortion, even 20+ years later. And this is not religious woman (for those I think is much easier to find a forgiveness and piece). A lot of women don't understand what mental damage it may cause in a long term.

I am also a therapist and many women deeply and permanently regret having more children than they wanted.

I was the unwanted child. Growing up I used to think about how my parents would have been better people if they had just had strength to get an abortion. My childhood was horrible. I knew and understood that I wasn’t wanted. I was neglected. It took a long time to move past my upbringing. As an adult I think abortion is the compassionate choice - for the child.

I have children of my own, and if one of them came to me with an unplanned pregnancy, I would fully support them in terminating.

You are leaving out another option, adoption.

Yes, when I was a younger child I often fantasized about what life would have been like for all of us if my parents had given me up for adoption. That fairy tale is a very naive solution. As an adult, I understand what pregnancy entails and the physical and emotional baggage it brings. Adopted children are also not without baggage.

Sure, sometimes it works out, but that’s a similar gamble to ‘sometimes unwanted pregnancies work out.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

I wish you all the best, truly I do. But are you actually poor now? If you are talking about inheritance- not daily subsistence - you probably are not. You are letting your fear from your childhood break up your current life. You also seem to be reverting to what you know and are heading towards a typical poverty track - single motherhood. If you have the income between the two of you to both be able to live beyond subsistence as single parents (costs of things will close to double), then you have enough to accommodate one more child as a family unit. If you don’t, you and your DD will be back to where you started. Talk to a therapist and a financial advisor. Invest in term life insurance to cover expenses if something happens, not just squirreling away money.

[Anonymous]

Abortion or no, OP needs therapy stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

I wish you all the best, truly I do. But are you actually poor now? If you are talking about inheritance- not daily subsistence - you probably are not. You are letting your fear from your childhood break up your current life. You also seem to be reverting to what you know and are heading towards a typical poverty track - single motherhood. If you have the income between the two of you to both be able to live beyond subsistence as single parents (costs of things will close to double), then you have enough to accommodate one more child as a family unit. If you don’t, you and your DD will be back to where you started. Talk to a therapist and a financial advisor. Invest in term life insurance to cover expenses if something happens, not just squirreling away money.

OP Good luck! Your thought process is spot on for you. Ignore the others that want to judge you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

OP, some of us hear you and understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all for you advice.

What a lot of you fail to understand is what growing up in poverty means. It's not simply not getting that birthday gift you wanted, its not having a birthday at all. Christmas is like any other day. You love school not because you want to learn but because you get to EAT.
Your whole life is centered around where your next meal is going to come from.
Imagine being 5 or 6 and rolling up the table cloth and shaking it into your bowl so you can get every last crumb. Don't get me wrong, my mother was and is very loving and would often go without so I could eat. She was "smart" enough to stop at 1 child. My husband grew up just as poor as I did but he has 4 siblings (3 different fathers) and a single mother. His mother too tried her best but it wasn't easy.
The decision to not have this child is not selfish and has nothing to do with our current situation.
He made his choice and I mine. I don't mind being a single mother with 1 child.

once again thank you all.

I wish you all the best, truly I do. But are you actually poor now? If you are talking about inheritance- not daily subsistence - you probably are not. You are letting your fear from your childhood break up your current life. You also seem to be reverting to what you know and are heading towards a typical poverty track - single motherhood. If you have the income between the two of you to both be able to live beyond subsistence as single parents (costs of things will close to double), then you have enough to accommodate one more child as a family unit. If you don’t, you and your DD will be back to where you started. Talk to a therapist and a financial advisor. Invest in term life insurance to cover expenses if something happens, not just squirreling away money.

+1. My mom was a single mom, had me at 21, married and went on to have two more kids and divorced. I wouldn’t advise anyone to stay in a marriage that isn’t working but understand financially there can be a hit divorcing. It’s not only maintaining two households but if your DH ends up starting another family with a new woman that’s even more resources diverted from your daughter. I won’t go into all the details but financially my mom and stepdad are doing terrible with their retirement savings. They took a hit in the divorce having so split their biggest investment, the house, and part of my step-dad’s financial issues relate to getting remarried and then divorced.

[Anonymous]

In this very long thread no one is mentioning that OP who was reluctant to have children in the first place is now 12 years OLDER than her first pregnancy. So not only is she starting again on her DHs whim she also much older than she was for the first one. More high risk pregnancy, older mom, older dad, retirement plans etc etc.