Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay guys, OP here. Again. I went back and forth on continuing this thread, but ultimately I decided to update.

Many of the comments have been extremely harsh. Honestly though, that is not that shocking considering I am posting to an essentially all women/mother forum. You ladies empathize with the wife’s side, and I get that. It’s actually the relatable and natural position for you to take. I was pleased to see there were some comments that really “heard” where I was coming from. I’m not some complete jerk to my wife. I’m not perfect and neither is she. She has many wonderful qualities, but she can also be unforgiving and hold grudges, so it isn’t the easiest thing to side with her against someone I love. (I also wouldn’t side with someone else against her.)

Anyway, I took the advice to drop the idea of my wife and newborn attending the wedding. You all were loud and clear on that point. I have accepted her decision to not attend. I told her I willl be traveling Thursday - Monday and she gave me the green light. The tricky part is my son. She is still refusing to allow me to take him. We had a spirited discussion regarding it and are currently at an impasse. I have spoken to my mom about the situation and she has assured me that she will be happy to help care for my son basically the whole wedding, anytime I need anything. Due to the issues between my wife and my parents, my parents have spent very very little time with my son. (He is their only grandchild at this time.) So they are very eager. There will also be several Aunts, female cousins and friends of my mother present, some of whom I’m certain would pitch in.

My wife is being extremely emotional and unwilling to even entertain a calm and rational conversation about me taking my own kid to my brothers wedding. Surely many of you can see that that is not right. Right? She has stated that if i take my son, it will do such irreparable damage to the marriage that we likely wouldn’t survive. How would you respond to this? To those of you who at least can see that I have the right to take my son with me. Help me out here. I’d love to hear how you would frame your argument and if you’ve ever been in a situation like this before. (One where you disagreed on something regarding your child and how you came to a solution.)

Dear Op,

Of course your wife is emotional right now! She is pregnant and you are stressing her out. You seem to think that 2 years old is a big kid but, really they are babies. Ask yourself this: Will your son be happy to be away from his mom? Has he ever been away for that long? What would you do if your son was inconsolable during the wedding? If your son doesn't know anyone not sure how they are going to soothe him.

So, instead of thinking only of your "rights" to bring your son and how you want to prove your wife wrong why don't you think of your son? Have you ever taken care of him for a weekend by yourself? Ie wife not even there? If your son was a bit older, say four I would say it would be easier for you. Also, your wife doesn't trust your parents. How would you feel if you didn't trust her parents and yet wife is asking them to take care of your most loved person in the world...your son! Add to the fact, that I'm assuming you haven't taken care of him solo so surely you can understand why she is reluctant.

I were you I would back off on the wedding discussion. Make plans for your parents to visit or you to take son to visit your parents before the wedding ( like other pps suggested) Get your parents to start being nicer to your wife and you all try to make amends. Then if that goes well and you can bring up the discussion about bringing your son to the wedding.

Personally, you will have a better time solo at the wedding. The two year old will not miss anything by missing the wedding. Heck we had our four year old nephew and he remembers nothing of the wedding! He is going to be out of sorts with the new baby don't make it harder on you or him and leave the kid at home.

Also, we support your wife because we have given birth and some of us have difficult in-laws. I don't think your mom is up to the challenge of taking care of a two year old and it isn't fair because she will miss most of her son's wedding if she has to. ( same with your Aunts, cousins etc.) Who wants to go to a wedding and then not see it?

Howz the potty training going?

[Anonymous]

what potty training? that's for 6 yr olds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for a little perspective. My brother is getting married 6 weeks after my wife’s due date (toward the end of this year.) We also have a son who will be almost 2 at the time. The wedding is a 3 hour flight away. I am the best man in the wedding and so will be somewhat busy during the weekend of the wedding with various wedding party obligations. My wife is already saying that she doesn’t think she will be up for traveling 6 weeks after giving birth. She keeps bringing up how she will still be recovering (she had a natural birth with our first and recovered very quickly), she had low milk supply so we supplemented with formula the first time around, probably will do the same with this coming LO, so she is also complaining about having to pack bottles and formula and sterilizing them and pumping to try to get her supply up. I get that it’ll be a lot of work to travel with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. However, I am a little frustrated because people do it all the time. And if it were her sibling getting married I know she would suck it up and go 100%.

Another thing she has mentioned is that she feels like she won’t have much help with the kids at the wedding because I am the best man. I told her I will make sure I am able to help her a lot, and especially my parents will help her but she wasn’t happy about that and in fact doesn’t want their help. She doesn’t like them and that is no secret. So I believe that she is using these excuses to get out of letting my parents see their grandchildren. Either way, I was curious what you all think. Is it reasonable for her to be saying months in advance that she probably won’t be attending my brothers wedding? (Which means my kids won’t get to attend it either? My brother has also invited my son to be the ring bearer but my wife wants me to tell him no. Again, I believe this is to limit my parents access more than anything.)

OP I haven't read the replies because you have 26 pages there. Just want to say that for my brother's wedding, my DH was best man and I was a bridesmaid 5 weeks after my DD was born, and the wedding was a drive, not a flight, but we did have to stay in a hotel.

So our situation was easier than yours, I'd say, because we only had one baby and didn't fly.

Fifteen years later....it still wins as The Worst Day of My Life.

Please cut your wife some slack. And actually you will have a great time taking a break from the kids. Or take the 2 y.o.!

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why you have to drag your wife with you to your family event? Even if she wasn't pregnant. She doesn't want to go for her personal reasons maybe. Why you have to be so pushy and aggressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay guys, OP here. Again. I went back and forth on continuing this thread, but ultimately I decided to update.

Many of the comments have been extremely harsh. Honestly though, that is not that shocking considering I am posting to an essentially all women/mother forum. You ladies empathize with the wife’s side, and I get that. It’s actually the relatable and natural position for you to take. I was pleased to see there were some comments that really “heard” where I was coming from. I’m not some complete jerk to my wife. I’m not perfect and neither is she. She has many wonderful qualities, but she can also be unforgiving and hold grudges, so it isn’t the easiest thing to side with her against someone I love. (I also wouldn’t side with someone else against her.)

Anyway, I took the advice to drop the idea of my wife and newborn attending the wedding. You all were loud and clear on that point. I have accepted her decision to not attend. I told her I willl be traveling Thursday - Monday and she gave me the green light. The tricky part is my son. She is still refusing to allow me to take him. We had a spirited discussion regarding it and are currently at an impasse. I have spoken to my mom about the situation and she has assured me that she will be happy to help care for my son basically the whole wedding, anytime I need anything. Due to the issues between my wife and my parents, my parents have spent very very little time with my son. (He is their only grandchild at this time.) So they are very eager. There will also be several Aunts, female cousins and friends of my mother present, some of whom I’m certain would pitch in.

My wife is being extremely emotional and unwilling to even entertain a calm and rational conversation about me taking my own kid to my brothers wedding. Surely many of you can see that that is not right. Right? She has stated that if i take my son, it will do such irreparable damage to the marriage that we likely wouldn’t survive. How would you respond to this? To those of you who at least can see that I have the right to take my son with me. Help me out here. I’d love to hear how you would frame your argument, and if you’ve ever been in a situation like this before. (One where you disagreed on something regarding your child and how you came to a solution.)

You have sided with someone else against her. You have sided with your parents when they insulted her and belittled her. You don't think that your parents' treatment of her is a problem. And honestly, this is the root of the problem, and the fact that you can't see it is the real issue. Your wife knows that you don't have her back. She knows that you're not on her side. She knows that you won't stand up for her.

And "basically" the whole wedding? Ha. Her son is getting married. She is going to have things to do. She will be busy. She will have people she wants to visit with. (Just like you, I might add.) Who is going to watch him when it's his nap time and you're supposed to be getting ready for the wedding? Who is going to leave the reception early to put your son to bed and stay with him? Who is going to take him out of the church (and miss the ceremony) when he starts crying or making noise during the ceremony? Everyone will be happy to play with a cute little toddler--until it inconveniences them and they have to miss part of the ceremony or the party to deal with him.

Honestly, I think you need to drop this. The more you push, the more your wife is going to dig in, because, at bottom, this is about your lack of respect for your wife.

I absolutely agree with this poster but come out differently. You have 6 months before the wedding - this is plenty of time for you to wake up and shape up as a husband and dad. Your child will survive the wedding and will likely not remember any terrible time and not remember any issues he had being passed around by strangers. However, that does not excuse you from stepping up and acting like an adult. There is no credible universe in which you and your can watch your son for the duration of the wedding, let alone the weekend. The fact that you even been pushing this idea shows that you don't have a clue. So get one - who will watch your son when you and your mom are busy? The aunts and cousins mentioned above? Did they agree to this? It would be good for you (not to mention your marriage) to show you have thought this out. Separately, I liked the idea above about taking trips with your son and having your son get to know your family. You have six months before the wedding; use that time to become a better husband and father. Start watching your parents behavior. Try and understand your wife's perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should be able to take your toddler, but you need a concrete plan for taking care of him. Trust me - BTDT. Relying on family members who will.alao be wedding guests is a bad idea, no matter what these people tell you in advance about how much they'll help.

You need to hire a (non-wedding guest) sitter for the rehearsal dinner and the day and night of the wedding. Other posters have explained why. You need someone who can put the kid to bed and stay with him while festivities are going on. You really think your mom or aunt is going to want to leave the reception right after dinner? And exactly who will cover nap time instead of getting their hair done? Without a doubt the only way this works is with a sitter. Please - trust me! I just went through this with my sister's wedding.

Also - you need to limit your alcohol intake that weekend. Remember you'll be on duty 24/7, even if you also have a sitter.

Again - he's your son and I think you should be able to take him. But, make sure you're taking him for the right reasons - that you want him there and he will enjoy it. Don't take him just to spite your wife because, honestly, you'll have a LOT more fun without him. Again, I speak from experience. Family weddings are kind of a drag when you're on kid duty, and I absolutely guarantee you that, no matter what your mom and cousins are promising now, once they're swept up in the excitemenr of the day, the open bar, the dancing, and all the people to catch up with they will NOT want to help watch your son. As certain as death and taxes. Without a sitter, this situation is bound to end in resentment on the part of all parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should be able to take your toddler, but you need a concrete plan for taking care of him. Trust me - BTDT. Relying on family members who will.alao be wedding guests is a bad idea, no matter what these people tell you in advance about how much they'll help.

You need to hire a (non-wedding guest) sitter for the rehearsal dinner and the day and night of the wedding. Other posters have explained why. You need someone who can put the kid to bed and stay with him while festivities are going on. You really think your mom or aunt is going to want to leave the reception right after dinner? And exactly who will cover nap time instead of getting their hair done? Without a doubt the only way this works is with a sitter. Please - trust me! I just went through this with my sister's wedding.

Also - you need to limit your alcohol intake that weekend. Remember you'll be on duty 24/7, even if you also have a sitter.

Again - he's your son and I think you should be able to take him. But, make sure you're taking him for the right reasons - that you want him there and he will enjoy it. Don't take him just to spite your wife because, honestly, you'll have a LOT more fun without him. Again, I speak from experience. Family weddings are kind of a drag when you're on kid duty, and I absolutely guarantee you that, no matter what your mom and cousins are promising now, once they're swept up in the excitemenr of the day, the open bar, the dancing, and all the people to catch up with they will NOT want to help watch your son. As certain as death and taxes. Without a sitter, this situation is bound to end in resentment on the part of all parties.

+1
People will "help out," but your mom is not going to miss the fun to watch your child. And if she does, she'll resent you (actually, she'll probably resent your wife, given that dynamic). Go by yourself and have a blast!

[Anonymous]

The wedding is the weekend before xmas so OP wants to stay for 10+ days either at his parents' or in a hotel.

At the same time he will have a newborn 5 week old (if all goes as expected) who will not be vaccinnated until 2 months old (germs in winter are terrible), will be feeding every 2 hours, and a wife in the throes of sleep deprivation, feeding, and repairing her body.

And all OP can talk about is how he wants to kiss his mom's @$$ and stay at her house for two weeks and do wedding and his family of origin stuff. Meanwhile, his parents are consistently jerks to his wife and are never around kids whatsoever.

Go to wedding yourself and get back to your wife, 2 yo and newborn at home.
Start behaving like a husband and father of two children.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have done a wonderful thing - you have made me value my husband SOOOOO much more than I remember to do on a daily basis.

You're a neanderthal but you've done me (and my husband) a service.

In return I'm sending the most supportive wishes I can to your wife and kids. I wish them luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Totally agree with 9:17. If you want your parents to spend time with your son, take him for a visit this summer. Your brother's wedding is not the time to do it. Who'll manage his nap? Who'll put him to bed at 7pm? Who'll be changing his diaper? Who'll take him out when he starts crying at the wedding? Kids that age are a ton of work. You can't be best man at the wedding (or mother of the groom!) and also take care of a toddler's needs. It just doesn't work.

+1000

Who's making sure he is fed and his food is cut up so there aren't choking hazards?

Who has a car seat and is designated driver?

[Anonymous]

Wifey and old Mommy can plan and do everything.
Just tell me when and where to show up for the festivities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have done a wonderful thing - you have made me value my husband SOOOOO much more than I remember to do on a daily basis.

You're a neanderthal but you've done me (and my husband) a service.

In return I'm sending the most supportive wishes I can to your wife and kids. I wish them luck.

Seriously. I’m so not complaining about my DH ever again.

I wish someway somehow, OP’s wife could see this post and all the replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you have done a wonderful thing - you have made me value my husband SOOOOO much more than I remember to do on a daily basis.

You're a neanderthal but you've done me (and my husband) a service.

In return I'm sending the most supportive wishes I can to your wife and kids. I wish them luck.

No kidding! I have a newfound appreciation for the fact that at least my DH can (and usually does) take our kids out all by himself, including preparing their food and getting them ready 100% by himself etc. And when we have babies, he basically takes responsibility as much as a nanny would, just brings the baby to me for nursing or if there's really something out of the ordinary going on. He loves to party as much as the next guy but he'd never think it's okay to drag along a 1 year old to a multi-day party, let alone one where for at least a day of that there would be nobody to actually supervise the toddler. And almost-2-years-old is really a prime time for attachment issues, being super quick to get into stuff that's not safe for them, etc.

I think one of the big issues with OP is that he's so clueless since he's never actually taken full responsibility for his child that he doesn't even realize everything that's involved. It's like he doesn't even know what he doesn't know. And that's just the supervision part, forgetting about the fact that his parents seem like pieces of work. I agree that it's going to turn out terribly and then the mom is going to be blamed for everything.

Instead of understanding that most of us on this board have done the baby and toddler thing at least a couple of times already, and maybe we know a thing or two that he just has zero idea about, OP just assumes that we're women and that's the reason we don't agree with him. Not sure why he even posted in the first place. Clearly he's been so brainwashed by his mother that he's not going to change his position.

[Anonymous]

...My wife is being extremely emotional and unwilling to even entertain a calm and rational conversation about me taking my own kid to my brothers wedding. Surely many of you can see that that is not right. Right? She has stated that if i take my son, it will do such irreparable damage to the marriage that we likely wouldn’t survive. How would you respond to this? To those of you who at least can see that I have the right to take my son with me. Help me out here. I’d love to hear how you would frame your argument, and if you’ve ever been in a situation like this before. (One where you disagreed on something regarding your child and how you came to a solution.)

Suppose I agree with you (even though I don't) that your wife is being overly emotional and unreasonable. By continuing to pursue this, you are showing her that you, again, are placing your parents' wishes/opinions above hers. Whether it is right or wrong, her perception is that you, again, are deomnstrating that you don't value her and that your parents' behavior were acceptable. You are demonstrating that complying with your parents' wishes is more important than your marriage.

IME, this is not an argument you can win no matter how you try to frame it because it really isn't about whether your kid goes with you or not. It is about you valuing and respecting your parents more than her and giving your relationship with them more primacy than your relationship with her. I am sure what you have shared with us are not the only examples of this - at least in your wife's mind.

You don't need an argument. You need relationship counseling because whether or not your kid goes with you, your marriage is already damaged and you are already on the path that will end your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP: Of course my mom will be happy to miss out on her child's wedding festivities because she's busy chasing, feeding, diapering and caring for my toddler! And if not, I'm sure some random aunts will pitch in! Someone somewhere will figure it out and take care of my child. Gee whiz, what's my wife so concerned about?