Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Me- Married almost 30 years. Didn’t take his last name (and he declined to take mine). Children survived middle and high school without embarrassment over names. I’m sure we had worse sins than our different last names. I would not respect a man who was so invested in taking away my autonomy that he insisted I change my name to his and he did nothing. If he was invested in a ‘family name’ either we both change or neither. (Unless one of us had a last name like Gross or Butts or D!ck). My kids are fine. I’ve travelled overseas with them without issues. Why are they persistent myths about this? And why does it matter to a man what his wife’s name is so much that he insists she change something fundamental to her identity yet he does nothing to on a similar level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not shocked you’re unmarried at this point OP.

I'm married and I didn't take his name. OP will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Lol! I'll believe this nonsense when men start changing their names for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

Do people realize that the person sharing a last name with you might not be the custodial parent? There's a reason why parents are advised buy the government to travel with their children's birth certificate or other documents REGARDLESS of last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was easier to change names when this trend started as most women married between 16-24 and didn’t have many degrees, bank accounts, professional licenses, LinkedIn, passports, driving license, homeownership, credit history etc.

It doesn't really matter. You can be 18 and unemployed, and you still don't need to justify keeping your name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not think taking your husband's last name needs to be treated like some outdated or anti-woman thing.

The data still shows it is completely normal. Pew found that 79% of women in opposite-sex marriages took their husband's last name, while only 14% kept their own and 5% hyphenated. Even education does not change the overall picture as much as people assume. Among women with postgraduate degrees, only 26% kept their original last name, meaning most still either took their husband's name or combined names.

And this is not just a conservative or old-fashioned thing. Plenty of prominent liberal, educated, accomplished American women have taken or used their husband's last name publicly, including Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jill Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Gwen Walz, and Gretchen Whitmer. In younger/current culture, you also see examples like Hailey Bieber and Chrissy Teigen.

Obviously, if someone has a strong personal, professional, cultural, or family reason not to change it, that is completely fine. But for most people, sharing one family name is simple, practical, and meaningful. It does not erase anyone's independence, education, politics, or accomplishments. For many families, it is just easier and cleaner to take the name and move on.

No amount of "most women take their husband's name" changes the fact that the practice is sexist and implies the superiority of male identity. We would have just as many men taking their wives' last name if the practice was truly neutral.

Kamala Harris did not change her last name. What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

Nope. I kept my name.

-A woman

You kept your dad’s last name, not mom’s.

Nope. Kept her birth name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me- Married almost 30 years. Didn’t take his last name (and he declined to take mine). Children survived middle and high school without embarrassment over names. I’m sure we had worse sins than our different last names. I would not respect a man who was so invested in taking away my autonomy that he insisted I change my name to his and he did nothing. If he was invested in a ‘family name’ either we both change or neither. (Unless one of us had a last name like Gross or Butts or D!ck). My kids are fine. I’ve travelled overseas with them without issues. Why are they persistent myths about this? And why does it matter to a man what his wife’s name is so much that he insists she change something fundamental to her identity yet he does nothing to on a similar level?

Many posters here seem to be extremely insecure about their position in society and need their choices to be constantly validated by others. They see someone questioning if they're married or divorced a complete and utter tragedy. At the same time, they suffer form the main character syndrome and believe that everyone is constantly thinking about them. They don't realize that the vast majority of people is uninterested in their last names.

I'm also surprised that of all the places where workers could be confused about parents and children having different or hyphenated last names, they use immigration and travel-related agencies as examples. They constantly look at documents of people that comes from cultural backgrounds where taking your husband's name isn't the norm, not to mention that in some cultures the concept of surname as we know it doen't even exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

Yes crossing into Canada may be an issue. I had remarried and had a different last name from my teen kid. I had to take their birth certificate (showing I was the mom), my marriage license showing my current last name, all our regular ID, my divorce decree showing I had custodial rights, and I had to get a notarized letter from my ex approving the trip. Usually he would have forced me to court to get it, but since our kid was old enough to see what was up, he gave it to me.

He later took our kid to Canada and sailed right through the border with just their IDs, no notarized letter from me or divorce decree showing he had visitation rights. I'm sure many cross into Canada with far less, even if they are married and have the same last name as their kid, but it did put some stress on me having to show the progression of my last name changing since the birth certificate, as well as the custody papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just call the whole thing off. I'm serious. If you can't even do this to reach a mutual goal, how will you handle all life will throw at you?

Not OP, but how exactly would you handle this? He's the own that refuses to compromise. She offered to hyphenate and he didn't want to. She offered him to change his name, he didn't want to, but he expects her to change hers. there's not much to agree on.

Not PP. but this is a talk that should have happened long ago. Long before this time. My DH kept her name. I could care less. Not important at all but big deal to her feminist self. We have been married 30 years. She wishes she changed her name. She said would have been much easier. I still don’t care. She was good with the kids taking my name. We both absolutely hate double names. These were conversations long before we talked about marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

Yes crossing into Canada may be an issue. I had remarried and had a different last name from my teen kid. I had to take their birth certificate (showing I was the mom), my marriage license showing my current last name, all our regular ID, my divorce decree showing I had custodial rights, and I had to get a notarized letter from my ex approving the trip. Usually he would have forced me to court to get it, but since our kid was old enough to see what was up, he gave it to me.

He later took our kid to Canada and sailed right through the border with just their IDs, no notarized letter from me or divorce decree showing he had visitation rights. I'm sure many cross into Canada with far less, even if they are married and have the same last name as their kid, but it did put some stress on me having to show the progression of my last name changing since the birth certificate, as well as the custody papers.

These documents are always required from parents travelling with their minor children alone regardless of name:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/visit-canada/minor-children-travelling-canada.html

These documents might not always be checked at the border but everyone should have them. Sharing a name with a minor doesn't mean you're the custodial parent or that you're even related to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

I have a hyphenated name and I'm giving my child a hyphenated name. A couple where both are hyphenated can choose a single last name or choose one part of their lastnames each and combine them. Selfish is the expectation that only one partner gets to slap their name on both kids and wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was easier to change names when this trend started as most women married between 16-24 and didn’t have many degrees, bank accounts, professional licenses, LinkedIn, passports, driving license, homeownership, credit history etc.

It doesn't really matter. You can be 18 and unemployed, and you still don't need to justify keeping your name

It doesn’t but it did to people back then.