Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

So you think Chinese and Arab women are trying too hard?

Chinese women officially don’t change their names but their children always take the husband’s last name and when addresses they are addressed as Mrs husbands last name. They are also viewed as part of the husbands family when married. The only thing they do is not make the last name official in paperwork that’s all.

This isn't really true. It is not uncommon in China for the children or some children to take the mother's surname. It happened in pre-1950s China and it is probably even more common today. Happens for a variety of reasons. And really, they are only addressed by husband's surname in more formal settings (and in HK/Taiwanese backgrounds, not so much mainland).

They only take the mother’s last name when the man marries into the woman’s family, usually for the goal of continuing the woman’s family name. It’s also considered a great shame to the man and usually done under duress.

And yes formal settings and introductions is when the woman is addressed as Mrs (husbands last name). It’s a very common form of address. And a woman is considered part of the man’s family when married, that’s why boys were preferred. Chinese culture is deeply patriarchal and I don’t know why you are arguing otherwise. On paperwork the woman keeps her last name but in every social setting she is Mrs (husbands last name).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

It’s proof that women on this forum are educated, independent and don’t fall for patriarchal BS that you so desperately want to hang on to. I bet you tell women to smile more too.

I am an educated liberal woman and I find this debate embarrassing. Keep your own name, that's fine, but the idea that most of America just isn't as smart and independent as you is so patronizing.

Where did I make that claim?

"It’s proof that women on this forum are educated, independent and don’t fall for patriarchal BS that you so desperately want to hang on to. I bet you tell women to smile more too."

By comparison the rest of women aren't as "educated, independent and fall for patriarchal BS". Thank god you're here to save all women from their terrible views since you know best.

Oh in that case you’re right. I am smarter than you. You’re welcome.

PS Read who I was responding to before you write another brilliant response.

Thanks for the sarcasm, definitely the sign of mature intelligence.

It can be so hard to track who is saying what over a 23 page thread. I'm just a stupid lady! Maybe we could use our last names to identify ourselves?

Well thanks for admitting you were wrong anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

It’s proof that women on this forum are educated, independent and don’t fall for patriarchal BS that you so desperately want to hang on to. I bet you tell women to smile more too.

I am an educated liberal woman and I find this debate embarrassing. Keep your own name, that's fine, but the idea that most of America just isn't as smart and independent as you is so patronizing.

Where did I make that claim?

"It’s proof that women on this forum are educated, independent and don’t fall for patriarchal BS that you so desperately want to hang on to. I bet you tell women to smile more too."

By comparison the rest of women aren't as "educated, independent and fall for patriarchal BS". Thank god you're here to save all women from their terrible views since you know best.

Oh in that case you’re right. I am smarter than you. You’re welcome.

PS Read who I was responding to before you write another brilliant response.

Thanks for the sarcasm, definitely the sign of mature intelligence.

It can be so hard to track who is saying what over a 23 page thread. I'm just a stupid lady! Maybe we could use our last names to identify ourselves?

Well thanks for admitting you were wrong anyway.

You're so welcome, you're the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

As someone whose mom never changed her name, no, no it's not. I don't think anyone ever even noticed.

As a child who’s mom was married more than once… The world for me absolutely noticed


Why do you and your mother and siblings alllll have diff last names

Are you all related ?

So it seems it would have been better for your mom not to change her name and give her children her name

[Anonymous]

It seems like you might have fundamental differences in beliefs and values that probably aren't compatible with a long term relationship

[Anonymous]

I was at a girl's weekend. We are all in our 60s.

Every one said they wish they had not changed their names. And that was the still-married ones as well as the divorced ones.

I was the only one that didn't change my name
Still married 30 years later.

[Anonymous]

Why do you and your mother and siblings alllll have diff last names

Are you all related ?

They asked if you were related to your siblings and your mother?

Identical last names isn’t going to help that level of stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with taking his name.

Why do you think those of us who keep our names get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

As someone whose mom never changed her name, no, no it's not. I don't think anyone ever even noticed.

As a child who’s mom was married more than once… The world for me absolutely noticed


Why do you and your mother and siblings alllll have diff last names

Are you all related ?

So it seems it would have been better for your mom not to change her name and give her children her name

It was just alot…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with asking his name.

I loved mine but never asked his name. Married 9 years and still no idea what his name is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with asking his name.

I loved mine but never asked his name. Married 9 years and still no idea what his name is.

I never learned my husband's last name so I took his first name. You can call us both Todd now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with taking his name.

Why do you think those of us who keep our names get married?

We need to hogtie someone to the bed, duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with asking his name.

I loved mine but never asked his name. Married 9 years and still no idea what his name is.

I never learned my husband's last name so I took his first name. You can call us both Todd now.

I understand, as I did the same. Unfortunately, we are now both Randy and currently I live in the UK. Introductions have become very awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a general point, I think a woman who refuses to take her husband’s name is trying a little too hard to make a point.

But I couldn’t care less about their decision.
It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

So you think Chinese and Arab women are trying too hard?

Chinese women officially don’t change their names but their children always take the husband’s last name and when addresses they are addressed as Mrs husbands last name. They are also viewed as part of the husbands family when married. The only thing they do is not make the last name official in paperwork that’s all.

This isn't really true. It is not uncommon in China for the children or some children to take the mother's surname. It happened in pre-1950s China and it is probably even more common today. Happens for a variety of reasons. And really, they are only addressed by husband's surname in more formal settings (and in HK/Taiwanese backgrounds, not so much mainland).

They only take the mother’s last name when the man marries into the woman’s family, usually for the goal of continuing the woman’s family name. It’s also considered a great shame to the man and usually done under duress.

And yes formal settings and introductions is when the woman is addressed as Mrs (husbands last name). It’s a very common form of address. And a woman is considered part of the man’s family when married, that’s why boys were preferred. Chinese culture is deeply patriarchal and I don’t know why you are arguing otherwise. On paperwork the woman keeps her last name but in every social setting she is Mrs (husbands last name).

Yes and even in such a patriarchal society, women retain their identities. I find it so baffling when American women their own identity after marriage and then end up divorced with their ex husband's name and then have to change it back, until they marry again. It makes women seem like lost puppies looking for an owner. Truly baffling to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

It's nonsense to you and important to him. If this is going to be such a huge fight you shouldn't marry. I've been married over 20 years and it's basically a lot of compromise, he doesn't want to go to Florida to visit my family but it's important to me so we go. I don't want to live closer to his job but it's important to him so that's where we buy. You don't have to agree with what's important but negating his feelings and forcing him to justify them on your terms means you will not be a good partner.

Her partner is asking her to change her name while keeping his. He's the one that needs to justify his feelings, not OP. If sexes were reversed you'd be singing a different tune.