Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Uhh isn’t this illegal?

Nope. Not illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

No. As I said, it is purely a SES issue.

In India, everyone in our circles and in our family have daily maids for chores. Each household has a daily cook who comes once or twice and cooks for the family or guests.

My nephews who are single young men working in big cities and living with flatmates have daily cooks who come in the morning before they leave for office and make their breakfast, pack their lunch and make dinner for them and keep it in the refrigerator.

In US, we cut down expenses on other things and paid for cleaners and landscapers. Now we can afford help when entertaining and pay for cooks, servers and bartenders when we are entertaining.

People may balk at the cost of domestic help in India or US, but, help is available in both countries if you are willing to pay a fair wage.

Yes, and only a tiny percentage of people in the US, regardless of ethnic background, can afford this level of domestic help therefore, as previously stated, you obviously live in a bubble that is not representative of most Indian immigrants and your feigned shock in your prior post

“ Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. ”

just makes you sound ridiculous and out of touch. I’m betting you also post in the money and finances forum wondering how families can possibly survive on less than 250k per year.

No. Any Indian family with 150K HHI in this area can live a very comfortable life. And yes, no Indian man that I know in the US is not helping with running of the household, especially if the wife is working and they have kids.

As I said - it is probably a SES issue and the kind of families these Indians have come from. Indians are usually quite educated, bilingual, employable and are the highest HHI group in the US. The kind of Indians you are describing sound like someone out of "The Namesake". Typical Boomers who came in the 60s and 70s. The kinds who used to get excited to see Dhania Patta in the grocery stores. Lazy people do not make it big in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really obnoxious. Your husband’s family has experienced such hardships for a lifetime. You can handle it for a few weeks. You sound mad at him for having grown up in a poor country.

1) How clueless are you about how most people on this planet live?

2) Feel lucky, not put out.

3) This is a real education for you and your children. It should give you tremendous insight into your husband and his formative years.

For future trips, figure out what is important to you. But be sure to treat his family with respect and sensitivity. Compromise. Learn. Find some humility .

While she is a sock puppeteer, you have to feel sorry for her. She is stuck with this man, this family, this country. And there is no way that she can stay in a hotel with her kids.

[Anonymous]

What’s Jeff’s daily rundown? And where can I find more of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I go to India almost every year for the last 30 years. My kids like their comforts and so we make sure that we are well prepared. We usually stay at home or at hotels. We hire touring luxury taxies or vans. We travel by road, by railways and by plane.

The family homes (ILs, parents, friends, siblings, relatives) where we stay usually have water heaters and you can either bathe using a bucket or use the shower. However, no one wastes a lot of water so mostly one or two large buckets of water is all we use per person to bathe with.

We have access to family car (relatives drive us around) or we usually hire uber or a whole day taxi that costs us around $30 per day.

We have our own bank account in India, our own Indian ATM and credit card and we have our own Indian cell phone with google pay.

No one goes hungry there because the level and variety of food there is mind blowing. We shop till we drop and the shopkeepers even ship our bulky items to US.

OP, sorry but I know how terrible the infrastructure and modernization is in Bangladesh. If you are not from a well-off family or if your DH does not want to spend money, you are so screwed. So, you are not even going traveling and touring in Bangladesh?

Op here. To be fair to dh, I don't think there is as much to your here. Flying around Bangladesh isn't a popular thing. Bangladesh is comparable to the size of Iowa but half the population as the US. There are a lot of traffic jams. We spend $150 going back and forth to Dhaka and it can easily take 4 hours. The distance doesn't seem that bad but once you get to the suburbs of Bangladesh the traffic gets really bad. This trip we were able to take a toll road but last time it wasn't built yet and we had to take this ancient ferry. I get the feeling a lot of people don't truly understand the differences between India and Bangladesh including myself. Some of my Indian friends in the US have told me the showers are the same experience in India as in the US. A lot of them own a car. That's not the norm here. It's for truly rich people. I am going to take a break from this post and check it in a few weeks. It's overwhelming learning all about the cultural differences. Most of my marriage has been fine. I haven't had any issues at all with DHs family. If they wanted to live with us in the US I would be okay with it. My sister is laws are awesome. I want to focus on the positive things. Thanks for all of your help to the nice people. In my everyday life, no one knows anything about Bangladesh. I get a shocked face if I mention it without DH around and then the conversation usually moves on. Dh and I fell in love in college. I was in undergrad and he was doing his second master's. Yesterday I found the picture he sent to his family as a way to introduce me. I think video chat wasn't as popular in those days. He sent them my picture and they approved. I grew up dressing really conservatively as my background is Mormon. Dh is very attractive to Mormon girls. I joke with him about it now lol even though our cultures and countries are different we have a lot in common regarding our families. I lost a parent and so did he. My grandmother was a widow so she lived with my family growing up. I think he factored these things in as u would be more accepting if his family needed to live with us. His family likes Bangladesh and doesn't want to come to the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

That really sounds like exploitation. Even with the exchange rate.
In India in cities like Delhi, Bangalore, Mumbai maids are paid quite well. I remember seeing a photo essay about the Bangladeshi upper class women who employ housemaids and their maids sitting side by side.



In Delhi, my mom employs 4 part time maids - sweeping and mopping, bathroom washing, dish washing, dusting, sweeping the yard and cooking food. She is paying 35K Indian rupees (420 $) per month. Each of these maids make around 25-35K each month from working in multiple homes, and that is almost as much as someone would make working in a call center.

My mom is generous with tips during holidays because she knows that her household is running smoothly thanks to these ladies. In fact, when we visit my mom, we also tip generously and take gifts from the US for them because don't want them to feel that they had to work harder because we were visiting. My MIL is the same. She wants all of us to give at least $50- $100 to each of the servants when our visit concludes. And frankly, we are happy to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

That really sounds like exploitation. Even with the exchange rate.
In India in cities like Delhi, Bangalore, Mumbai maids are paid quite well. I remember seeing a photo essay about the Bangladeshi upper class women who employ housemaids and their maids sitting side by side.



In Delhi, my mom employs 4 part time maids - sweeping and mopping, bathroom washing, dish washing, dusting, sweeping the yard and cooking food. She is paying 35K Indian rupees (420 $) per month. Each of these maids make around 25-35K each month from working in multiple homes, and that is almost as much as someone would make working in a call center.

My mom is generous with tips during holidays because she knows that her household is running smoothly thanks to these ladies. In fact, when we visit my mom, we also tip generously and take gifts from the US for them because don't want them to feel that they had to work harder because we were visiting. My MIL is the same. She wants all of us to give at least $50- $100 to each of the servants when our visit concludes. And frankly, we are happy to do that.

[/quote
Op here. I believe it! Because I don't speak the language I didn't know they had maids. It was hard for me to pick up on it because the clothes washing is done away from the house and the dishes are cleaned outside. There are so many people coming and going I get them all mixed up. Dh has twin sisters and they don't come at the same time. The last trip I thought they were one person lol one stayed for a few days and the other one came when she left. Both had a son around the same age. There is so much I will never pick up on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

No. As I said, it is purely a SES issue.

In India, everyone in our circles and in our family have daily maids for chores. Each household has a daily cook who comes once or twice and cooks for the family or guests.

My nephews who are single young men working in big cities and living with flatmates have daily cooks who come in the morning before they leave for office and make their breakfast, pack their lunch and make dinner for them and keep it in the refrigerator.

In US, we cut down expenses on other things and paid for cleaners and landscapers. Now we can afford help when entertaining and pay for cooks, servers and bartenders when we are entertaining.

People may balk at the cost of domestic help in India or US, but, help is available in both countries if you are willing to pay a fair wage.

Yes, and only a tiny percentage of people in the US, regardless of ethnic background, can afford this level of domestic help therefore, as previously stated, you obviously live in a bubble that is not representative of most Indian immigrants and your feigned shock in your prior post

“ Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. ”

just makes you sound ridiculous and out of touch. I’m betting you also post in the money and finances forum wondering how families can possibly survive on less than 250k per year.

No. Any Indian family with 150K HHI in this area can live a very comfortable life. And yes, no Indian man that I know in the US is not helping with running of the household, especially if the wife is working and they have kids.

As I said - it is probably a SES issue and the kind of families these Indians have come from. Indians are usually quite educated, bilingual, employable and are the highest HHI group in the US. The kind of Indians you are describing sound like someone out of "The Namesake". Typical Boomers who came in the 60s and 70s. The kinds who used to get excited to see Dhania Patta in the grocery stores. Lazy people do not make it big in this country.

As an Indian myself - who cares? No one cares how your DH does housework or you have an auntie down the block making your chicken curry for the week so you don't have to? (And before you scream jealousy - mine also does housework and cooks and yes there are ladies who will cook for us who we've used on occasion if we want Indian food though we don't eat much of it.)

This is about OP's current situation in Bangladesh + how her DH is behaving IN BANGLADESH. As a post above lays out - often these kinds of men are very normal in the US because that's what they see others doing and they want to make their marriages work so they do everything from grocery shopping to picking up the kids from school to some cooking. Transport them back home to mommy and sister for a month and they are SOOOOO worried about what mommy and sister will think that they are willing to screw over their own wives and kids at every turn of the step bc they are too scared that mommy will judge them for picking up a space heater, so they'd rather their wive and kids just be uncomfortable for the month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Uhh isn’t this illegal?

Nope. Not illegal.

Indian American here - hhahahahhahahahah. You do you but it is 100% NOT legal. Guaranteed you're paying auntie in cash, not on the books. And oh yeah does auntie have the health code certifications to be cooking for others which she'd need if she were catering or running a restaurant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

My mother’s maid in India would laugh hysterically if she heard that. Your DH’s head is stuck in time like 50 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s Jeff’s daily rundown? And where can I find more of it?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think people are being overly tough on you. You know that 95% of these comments are made by middle-aged women living in upper-class comfort who would HATE to be where you are right now.

I'm not sure why you went though given the circumstances. There is room for compromise here. I’d shorten the trip or insist on the remainder being in a hotel.

100% agree. I'm an UC 59 year old and there's no way I would have gone, and I'm married to a person born in a 3rd world country (India). Fortunately, he has no desire to go back.

Your loss. India is a wonderful country.

Meh, plenty of good Indian restaurants right here in the good old USA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

My mother’s maid in India would laugh hysterically if she heard that. Your DH’s head is stuck in time like 50 years ago.

I don't know if that's necessarily true because as this forum has proven Bangladesh isn't India. There are big differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

This is what I thought/was hoping you would say. I'm jealous but also a little worried about exploitation. It all worked out well? It sounds ideal if both sides are happy.