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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all. [/quote]

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off.  Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him.  He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good.  I know you love him, I loved mine too.  But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you.  You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on.  You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family.  He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife.  Move on.[/quote]

Thank you for a kind response. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. There was friendship well before the affair. It’s hard to walk away but knowing that it won’t ever be what I want it to be, is devastating.

[b]Why doesn’t he spend his time talking to his wife? Why does he spend hours and hours every day looking for my advice? Sharing with me?[/b][/quote]

DP asking seriously and not with judgement: Have you asked him these EXACT questions, PP?

Better yet, you have here nearly a script for yourself, to use when you cut contact with him. Just adjust it a little: "You should spend time talking to your wife. You spend hours and hours every day looking for MY advice. Sharing with me. Seek her advice. Share with her. I am no longer your affair partner and can no longer be your friend--or your [i]emotional crutch[/i]." That's what he's made you, rather than gracefully bowing out of the affair. He's probably claiming "friendship" but what friend would do this to you, PP?

Then, please, for your own sanity and ability to move forward, cut all contact. I suspect you don't want to do that because you sincerely believe you can be friends, since (as you put it) "There was friendship well before the affair."  I'm wagering you believe sincerely you can just return to being friends, and you want to be supportive. But no true "friend" would devastate and use you. And he's doing both, whether he thinks he does it wittingly or not. Please don't wake up one day and realize you gave all your emotional effort, love, most of your mental real estate and YEARS of your life to someone who never would reciprocate. Move on. If you work with him, or are in the same social circles or see him in any way, I truly would leave the job, circle, area, if I were as entrenched with a needy former lover as you are.

Please save yourself from his constant need to keep you in HIS life to be his crutch and his "advice wife." That's what he's made you. A wife without the sex, commitment or future together. 
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Thank you for this. And thank you to everyone who replied. [b]I did actually ask him once, why don’t you talk to your wife about this, and he said they were both so tired at the end of the day, that they rarely talk.[b] [/b]I realize he is a broken man and I am living my life pinning for someone who is never capable of loving me or giving me what I need. Courage to change is what I lack. The whole thing has taken a toll on my mental health and yes, I know it’s my fault too. [/quote]

Long marriages have phases. There are some hard years.  This man had terribly poor coping skills and could have turned to his wife who might now have even had the time to realize he felt this way since she was likely the default carrying the heavy childcare load/logistics in addition to her own job- most likely.

You said that he said he 'loved her and didn't want to cheat'. START THERE.  What you are both doing is so unfair to the wife who will likely be blind-sided by this treachery/deceit and now has to feel violated by the health risk.

Stop messing around with men that are married, and this guy told you where you stand already: he's not leaving his wife.  So many of these men in therapy say that they wish their wife were the one they were having these conversations with and intimacy.  They are stuck and resort to escapism and behavior learned in childhood.

You likely have many childhood wounds yourself for choosing to participate in something like this that serves you zero purpose and is wasting years of your life when you could be with someone that put you as their first priority.  You could have a family of your own instead of trying to force yourself into another one with step-kids that would hate you.
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Bingo.[/quote]

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