Reply to If you had an affair with a married person

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "If you had an affair with a married person "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all. [/quote]

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off.  Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him.  He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good.  I know you love him, I loved mine too.  But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you.  You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on.  You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family.  He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife.  Move on.[/quote]

Thank you for a kind response. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. There was friendship well before the affair. It’s hard to walk away but knowing that it won’t ever be what I want it to be, is devastating.

[b]Why doesn’t he spend his time talking to his wife? Why does he spend hours and hours every day looking for my advice? Sharing with me?[/b][/quote]

DP asking seriously and not with judgement: Have you asked him these EXACT questions, PP?

Better yet, you have here nearly a script for yourself, to use when you cut contact with him. Just adjust it a little: "You should spend time talking to your wife. You spend hours and hours every day looking for MY advice. Sharing with me. Seek her advice. Share with her. I am no longer your affair partner and can no longer be your friend--or your [i]emotional crutch[/i]." That's what he's made you, rather than gracefully bowing out of the affair. He's probably claiming "friendship" but what friend would do this to you, PP?

Then, please, for your own sanity and ability to move forward, cut all contact. I suspect you don't want to do that because you sincerely believe you can be friends, since (as you put it) "There was friendship well before the affair."  I'm wagering you believe sincerely you can just return to being friends, and you want to be supportive. But no true "friend" would devastate and use you. And he's doing both, whether he thinks he does it wittingly or not. Please don't wake up one day and realize you gave all your emotional effort, love, most of your mental real estate and YEARS of your life to someone who never would reciprocate. Move on. If you work with him, or are in the same social circles or see him in any way, I truly would leave the job, circle, area, if I were as entrenched with a needy former lover as you are.

Please save yourself from his constant need to keep you in HIS life to be his crutch and his "advice wife." That's what he's made you. A wife without the sex, commitment or future together. 
[/quote]

Thank you for this. And thank you to everyone who replied. I did actually ask him once, why don’t you talk to your wife about this, and he said they were both so tired at the end of the day, that they rarely talk. I realize he is a broken man and I am living my life pinning for someone who is never capable of loving me or giving me what I need. Courage to change is what I lack. The whole thing has taken a toll on my mental health and yes, I know it’s my fault too. [/quote]

I'm the PP to whom you're replying. I can't recall from earlier posts if you're in therapy but if not, please get into it ASAP. And you did not answer whether you see him at your work, or socialize with him and his wife or have the same social circle or share some activity or organization where you see him in person - or if the contact is only text/phone/email.

I think you know you need to go cold turkey and cut contact entirely but you maybe fear you will feel lonely and miss him. Yes, you will feel lonely and miss him. That is not fatal and will pass but it will take longer to pass, the longer you wait to break from him. You also are killing your soul continuing to let him suck you dry as his "advice wife" fulfilling part of his actual wife's responsbility. The "we're too tired" excuse gets no sympathy; that's life, and don't YOU get tired too? Yet he expects [i]you[/i] always to have energy, time and availabilty to advise and empathize and share his life. See it for the using that it is. I'm not trying to say, "Learn to hate him!" because you won't; you don't; you can't. But you can find courage. You can fake courage until you actually feel it, OP; it can be done.

But you need to quit him and that means a new job if you interact at work, a new town if you cannot avoid seeing him around; new social circle if you're in the same one as him. If none of the above applies, 100 percent ghosting (OK, go ahead and deliver one last "I cannot be your crutch any longer and this is not a friendship" message with NO expectation on your part of seeing any reply because...ghosting). If all of the above applies, still 100 percent ghosting. I think you'll say it sounds cruel just to cut all contact but do you know the expression "Cruel to be kind"? Be cruel momentarily and harshly in order to be kind -- to yourself.

PLEASE have something else lined up for the day you ghost him. I would do it, then immediately leave on a trip way, way out of town. Preferably with a good friend who (a) knows what's up and (b) will refuse entirely to engage in any discussion of him, your affair, your friendship with him, anything. Total distraction and distance, especially physical distance. I also realize it's easy for a stranger to say "Just move towns and jobs!" It may not be doable, I get that. But you are truly enmeshed and being used every single day, even if he's a great guy in other ways. Let his wife be his wife and regain the energy and love he is sucking away every day with his needy pleas for your time and mental effort. I hope you'll post soon that you are out of town for a long trip and clearly broke with him before you left, and have [i]specific plans the instant you return[/i] to join a new organization, volunteer at something that's meaningful to you, start a hobby you've wanted to do, or look into a move. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics