S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

Yes! I’m actually fairly agnostic on monogamy and understand there are all sorts of marriages, but you’re definitely a scum bag. You’re keeping your wife in a marriage you’ve already left behind her back. It’s sort of incredible that you could be like this and still care about your kids but I guess biology is a wild ride.

His wife did same by not having sex with him. Give me a break.

If you are not having sex with your spouse and not in open communication about the steps you are taking to remedy the issue, you cannot claim moral ground here. If sex is vital to a marriage then you should be having it at least once a week. If you are not interested in sex with your spouse, you sound ridiculous and selfish to then break up because they are having it elsewhere. It's either important to you or it's not.

Now the partners who are having sex and still getting cheated on do have a higher moral ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Agree. I’ll add, most of the wives I know that through this were much more attractive and fit than the women the men cheated with. It’s not about that.

Did they divorce? Sounds like they’re good catches who can do better. Why spend another year with someone who makes your feel like you’re not good enough if you are?

You are as delusional as the cheaters. Lol

They can do better with who? Some ex DH whose beautiful wife left him for the same reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

This is a silly article to quote. Your C-suite job is completely different in terms of stress from 99 percent of jobs, even good jobs. And C-suite women aren't burnt out and quitting the workforce to sit at home and rely on some man, most have plenty to take care of themselves and most quit to step down to continue to make good money consulting, as board members, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

Your entire premise is based upon this false assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

I'd say it depends on the man in question and what his options are. And it has to do not just w/looks or money but rather his access to and influence over pretty, skinny, smart women. Which is why professors, men in leadership roles in female-dominated industries, men who work in entertainment, etc. cheat and often cheat with beautiful ambitious women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not happy in my marriage but divorce would be very difficult for the kids and a strain on our finances. I cannot divorce and reduce the disposable money available to my kids. Also the parental time/attention they get. But on the other hand, I cannot bring myself to have sex with dh. Too much has passed between us and I cannot mend things.

So your marriage is open. Have you officially granted mutual hall passes? Or are you expecting him to still pretend like he isn't going elsewhere for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

So now people who have affairs are scum to all even if you aren't involved? Over 50% of marriages have affairs. No one can control another person. No one is responsible for another person whether it is alcohol, workaholic, big spender, yeller, laziness, aldulterer among others. We all have the ability to wound ourselves and others or to be misled. You don't sound too kind yourself. Whether it is electronics or another woman this person had low willpower and was enticed by a society that is permissive in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

So now people who have affairs are scum to all even if you aren't involved? Over 50% of marriages have affairs. No one can control another person. No one is responsible for another person whether it is alcohol, workaholic, big spender, yeller, laziness, aldulterer among others. We all have the ability to wound ourselves and others or to be misled. You don't sound too kind yourself. Whether it is electronics or another woman this person had low willpower and was enticed by a society that is permissive in this area.

In this context, yes.

If her DH is not good enough for his lower value AP, he is definitely not good enough for his " bright, high moral" wife. Either that or she is not as high value as she thinks she is, be it morally or intellectually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

So now people who have affairs are scum to all even if you aren't involved? Over 50% of marriages have affairs. No one can control another person. No one is responsible for another person whether it is alcohol, workaholic, big spender, yeller, laziness, aldulterer among others. We all have the ability to wound ourselves and others or to be misled. You don't sound too kind yourself. Whether it is electronics or another woman this person had low willpower and was enticed by a society that is permissive in this area.

In this context, yes.

If her DH is not good enough for his lower value AP, he is definitely not good enough for his " bright, high moral" wife. Either that or she is not as high value as she thinks she is, be it morally or intellectually.

I feel like you are acting like these are two people dating this person with the same equality. One person the man made a promise to in front of his family and friends and her. It's not a wife's job to keep tabs on her husband to the same level as when she was dating after that promise has been made. It doesn't make her dumb. She just actually believed him and then went about pursuing married life. If he didn't want the job of husband and just wanted to be a boyfriend, he shouldn't have applied.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

So now people who have affairs are scum to all even if you aren't involved? Over 50% of marriages have affairs. No one can control another person. No one is responsible for another person whether it is alcohol, workaholic, big spender, yeller, laziness, aldulterer among others. We all have the ability to wound ourselves and others or to be misled. You don't sound too kind yourself. Whether it is electronics or another woman this person had low willpower and was enticed by a society that is permissive in this area.

In this context, yes.

If her DH is not good enough for his lower value AP, he is definitely not good enough for his " bright, high moral" wife. Either that or she is not as high value as she thinks she is, be it morally or intellectually.

I feel like you are acting like these are two people dating this person with the same equality. One person the man made a promise to in front of his family and friends and her. It's not a wife's job to keep tabs on her husband to the same level as when she was dating after that promise has been made. It doesn't make her dumb. She just actually believed him and then went about pursuing married life. If he didn't want the job of husband and just wanted to be a boyfriend, he shouldn't have applied.l

If he is scum, any woman sleeping with him is dumb. It doesn't matter when they got him.

If you buy a fresh tomato, you throw it away when it's rotten. You don't get to eat a rotten tomato and feel smart while looking down on whoever bought the rotten one. You are both eating it. That's dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade. This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa

That's unreliable narrators. If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW was prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves.

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence led her to scum.

So now people who have affairs are scum to all even if you aren't involved? Over 50% of marriages have affairs. No one can control another person. No one is responsible for another person whether it is alcohol, workaholic, big spender, yeller, laziness, aldulterer among others. We all have the ability to wound ourselves and others or to be misled. You don't sound too kind yourself. Whether it is electronics or another woman this person had low willpower and was enticed by a society that is permissive in this area.

In this context, yes.

If her DH is not good enough for his lower value AP, he is definitely not good enough for his " bright, high moral" wife. Either that or she is not as high value as she thinks she is, be it morally or intellectually.

I feel like you are acting like these are two people dating this person with the same equality. One person the man made a promise to in front of his family and friends and her. It's not a wife's job to keep tabs on her husband to the same level as when she was dating after that promise has been made. It doesn't make her dumb. She just actually believed him and then went about pursuing married life. If he didn't want the job of husband and just wanted to be a boyfriend, he shouldn't have applied.l

If he is scum, any woman sleeping with him is dumb. It doesn't matter when they got him.

If you buy a fresh tomato, you throw it away when it's rotten. You don't get to eat a rotten tomato and feel smart while looking down on whoever bought the rotten one. You are both eating it. That's dumb.

I haven't followed this person in detail, but people are multi-faceted. An adulterer is not entirely scum because no human is. If you make a vow and especially if you have children, it makes sense to try to work on the marriage before giving it up unless there was never a true marriage to begin with and someone lied or omitted information. I'm not really understanding why you have such a need to put the wife down here.