Reply to S/O How do you justify having an affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]ABC cared because their employees and America cared.  I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around.  I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous?  I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife?  It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho?  I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.  [/quote]

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: [b]married men don't get laid for free[/b][/quote]

I can assure you they get laid for free. [/quote]

Then why do so many men pay for sex?  Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?[/quote]

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.[/quote]

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.[/quote]

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.[/quote]

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell.  But--that is where it gets messy.  They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road.  Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of.  The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.[/quote]
No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.[/quote]

Wow.  When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.[/quote]
Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.[/quote]

[b]Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only,  but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. [/b]Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel. 
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment. [/quote]

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.[/quote]

Yes, the notion is passé and infantilizing, but anecdotally we can point to many posts here from single women looking to marry wealthy men and [b]we hear from betrayed wives how the AP was looking for an upgrade.[/b] This article discusses women quitting their jobs at c suite level at 3x the rate of men. Many women are burnt out and want to quit. workinghttps://www.forbes.com/sites/lizelting/2019/08/21/why-women-quit/?sh=20b91c4f16fa[/quote]

That's unreliable narrators.  If you listen to the wives, they are always prettier, thinner and smarter than AP.[/quote]

Yeah, but APs are already making a dumb decision to try to land a cheater, so why would we assume they're the brightest of the bunch?

I feel pretty confident that I understand the OW's motivations because she was even dumb enough to blog about it obliquely (the heart wants what the heart wants!). Her writing style was "run-on sentences always punctuated by exclamation points." How charming. And she told DH that her sibling had married someone who was divorcing with kids so she thought that was a viable path for her after having aged out of the dating pool in her small community.

To quote Legally Blonde, the OW isn't entirely unfortunate looking, but she's not clearly better looking than me. But that doesn't have anything to do with whether I'm aware of her motivations regarding her affair with my husband.

In the end, OW married an older widower (no kids between them). She's now in her early 40s, so she has probably missed the chance to have kids. I can see the appeal for her of moving to a wealthier nation and marrying a wealthy man with adorable kids. I think she had genuine feelings for him too. Really the true tragedy is that my husband was thinking with his smaller brain and didn't stop to think about the fact that we weren't actually on the verge of divorce and this fantasy was never going to happen. After a couple of weeks he was totally over her, but she wrote sad things on her blog for years until meeting her now-husband.

Yes, I'm invested in the outcome of this story. Sleep with my husband, that's what you get! I feel an odd sense of sorrow on her behalf for never having kids. I'm pretty sure she wanted them and it was probably a matter of fertility and not being able to afford treatment. Wasting her early/mid 30s pining after a married man didn't help either.

The thing I don't feel the need to do is compare our qualities because when you get married, you specifically sign up for a one on one relationship. It's not a competition between me and another woman, and I stomp on the toes of any man who tries to make it one. You don't get to try other partners on for size when you're married . . . I'm a great person, but if I'm not right for you, then we'll divorce. I don't think OW is a completely horrible person, just someone with lower self-esteem and perhaps not the greatest strategic mind. Our primal instincts and society would have fight each other for the male's attention, but nah. I'll pass. If he can't see how great I am he's free to go be with someone else.

Those were my instincts on DDay, and I'm sure they saved me a lot of headaches because OW [i]was[/i] prepared to fight me for him. Neither of them was prepared for me to go, "What the hell? Um, no thanks . . . . I am exiting the triangle . . ." And of course that made my husband snap to reality. He actually said out loud, "This is crazy; I don't even know her that well," after I was like, what the hell, get out and go be with her . . . But if I'd played his game and said, oh wow, you are such a stud and of course we both want you, he would have sat on the fence patting himself on the back until one of us pushed him off.[/quote]

And you made a dumb decision by marrying a cheater. What makes you any brighter than her?

At least she has the same moral compass as the men she sleeps with.

You seem to think you are better than them. How did you end up with a slime ball like your DH if you are brighter than AP?[/quote]

She has higher morals if not the intelligence. When she married he wasn’t a cheater. Enough with the blaming people for things that might happen in the future. We can only control ourselves. [/quote]

What good did the higher morals serve when she ended up with a trashy man? And she is so moral and intelligent that she keeps him while looking down on the woman who is his actual level.

She should not be talking about other people's intelligence when her moral compass and intelligence  led her to scum.[/quote]

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