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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

DP.  I know, OP, that you said much earlier you wanted to avoid divorce at all costs, etc., did not want your kids to grow up in a household where you got divorced etc.

Please realize that your neat and tidy three-option list you present above is NOT necessarily going to prevent a divorce. I think you'll say, "I know that," but I really wonder if you get the full reality of it all.

You seem quite confident he'll choose your options of a "parenting marriage" or "work on the real marriage" instead of divorce, but that might be your own intense wish to avoid divorce that's talking, OP. He may decide those options are just too much hard work and he'd rather get divorced, have the kids only part-time so he's freer to have more sex without kid schedules in his way.

Set up everything you may need to get the best possible divorce for you and your kids -- even if the first thing chosen is "work on the marriage and stay together." It might all work out, it really might, but don't be too confident in your list of choices for him.

If DH and you decide the "parenting marriage" is the way you'll go, you MUST openly and frankly plan for what happens if he gets someone pregnant. Seriously, you must discuss it and make a plan. A postnup, maybe. It really does happen and it could rock your and your kids' lives if the woman keeps it, uses it to get your DH to leave you, whatever. He can swear up and down that he'll never get an AP pregnant; his APs are too old or whatever; he'll wear a condom perfectly every time blah blah blah...and he can still end up with a pregnant AP. Happened with a close friend who had three kids with her DH but he finally left, after multiple affairs, for the one he got pregnant "by accident."  I know. Anecdotal, not about you. But it does happen no matter what the man swears to you. [/quote]

OP here. I know you are right, though I don't want you to be. This is why I am waiting to confront. It may be months. There are a number of things I want to get in place prior to him knowing that I know, because it could indeed lead to divorce. I want him to get the vasectomy, I want his '22 profits to deposit in our joint bank account, I want to finalize some revisions to our will that have to do with custody of our kids if we both die (which we have both easily agreed to make already-- but want it nailed down), and a few other things. I have to move forward on the assumption that the worst case scenarios could happen.

That being said, I am still trying to find a counselor to work with me individually and hopefully eventually both of us. It is really hard to find good counselors, much less get an appointment with them.

I did do a credit check on him and he doesn't appear to have opened any new accounts or taken any loans, which is good. He has 1 card that is just in his name, where he receives and pays the bills online (I otherwise handle all the finances) and a credit card for his business, so that is probably where he is paying for his extracurricular activities. He has not made any big cash withdrawals.

Thanks again to all who have provided advice/support.[/quote]

You are doing this right!

I got my H to get the vasectomy and put in writing he’d pay for college (1/2) and a few other things before I divorced.

Men usually want to stay they will say they will give up the affairs. The often sincerely want to, but they can’t. [/quote]

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