17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

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He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.

It is completely developmentally normal for a 17 year old to prioritize job, friends, and activities over spending 48 hours home with his dad. It shows poor knowledge of child development to think that a parent could build a relationship with his 17 year old by expecting him to leave his job, friends and activities half the weekends in a month, and just hang around with dear old dad.

Any parent who wanted to maintain a relationship with his teen - no matter where the child actually lives or sleeps or visits -- would need to understand that. The whole point or developing a relationship is to benefit the child, not the parent! Kids don't exist so parents can get warm fuzzy feelings by keeping them in the house, like a pet, to spend time with you, on your schedule, when you feel like it.

If it's dad's weekend with the kids, that means its Dad's weekend to help the kids have a developmentally appropriate weekend -- which means *some* family time, but mostly facilitating son's access to work, sports, social life, activities. Driving the kid (or letting him have the car) to parties and sports events.

I have full custody of my teens and can tell you the absolute best time for bonding with teens is when you are driving them places. If Dad really wanted a relationship with his 17 year old, he'd be spending 90 minutes driving his kid to events on the weekends, learning who was having a party and where they live...

THAT'S how you bond with teenagers. Figuring who gets the car and for how long. My kids don't have a car but we spend a lot of time just talking logistics - who gets the care when, who picks who up, who will do which errands so they can have the car - this is all part of raising a teen and staying connected with them.

You know how else you bond with kids? Take them on college visits. Don't feel like helping your kid pay for college? At least help them figure out how they will manage a college education without your help. Help them fill out the FAFSA. (You can do this with him over the phone or a zoom call, even - I have done it with my college student that way. Share a screen and talk him through it.) Take them to their school's financial aid night, or college open house night. I don't care Dad that you live 1.5 hours away from your kid - YOU are the one who moved away. If you want a relationship with your kid you go to HIM and offer to help him do things that will help HIM. Kids don't exist for YOUR pleasure, Dad - you are supposed to care more about HIM than you care about yourself.

The issue is you don't value Dad in your kids life having full custody. With every other weekend visits you cannot do all the tings you list. You simply don't get it. Try having your kids 4 days a month and doing everything you are stating. This Dad wants a relationship and is being refused. The reason why these kids lose their Dad is because Mom's like you rationalize everything is more important to justify keeping the kids away from Dad. Friends are not more important than Dad. Nor is working.

It's kinda sad the only way you bond with your kids is driving them places. How about spending quality time with them? Or, did you teach them you aren't a priority either?

NP and you are describing my child who struggles socially. You are not a kind and sensitive person.
Do you have active, social, althete teens? You don't "get" much time with them AT ALL.

My daughter leaves home at 6:45 for practice, is at school and practice and clubs till 6 or 7. Drives home to change then heads out to a meeting/game/dance/practoce/hang with friends/date/babysitting job.

Weekends she's also mostly out of the house.

No one “gets” their teens in the house for four full non school days every month. The kids are out there in the world.

If you want a relationship with active social athletic teens you get it in minutes when you can.

If you kid its constantly out of the house, maybe you should consider why?

I have a teen who is in sports 4-5 days a week, plus another activity 2-3 days a week and we have plenty of time with them. Clearly you don't have a very good relationship with your daughter if she doesn't want to spend time with you. Why don't you have the kids to your house?

How do you have plenty of time? Do you let them sleep? Are you counting two hours spent on homework every night as "quality time"?

Clearly your kids are social recluses if they are hanging around the house with mom and dad during their precious free time (non school, non-club, non-sports, non social event) senior year instead of going out with their friends. They must not be very popular. what;'s wrong with your kids exactly?

Lots of kids struggle socially, including my own. You are really insensitive and unkind.

NP but I don’t think it was very kind to ask PP why their kid was out of the house all the time as if to imply the kids don’t want to be around their parents. So how about we try mutual kindness.

Stop to think why a kid is never home. Normally its because the homelife isn't very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.

It is completely developmentally normal for a 17 year old to prioritize job, friends, and activities over spending 48 hours home with his dad. It shows poor knowledge of child development to think that a parent could build a relationship with his 17 year old by expecting him to leave his job, friends and activities half the weekends in a month, and just hang around with dear old dad.

Any parent who wanted to maintain a relationship with his teen - no matter where the child actually lives or sleeps or visits -- would need to understand that. The whole point or developing a relationship is to benefit the child, not the parent! Kids don't exist so parents can get warm fuzzy feelings by keeping them in the house, like a pet, to spend time with you, on your schedule, when you feel like it.

If it's dad's weekend with the kids, that means its Dad's weekend to help the kids have a developmentally appropriate weekend -- which means *some* family time, but mostly facilitating son's access to work, sports, social life, activities. Driving the kid (or letting him have the car) to parties and sports events.

I have full custody of my teens and can tell you the absolute best time for bonding with teens is when you are driving them places. If Dad really wanted a relationship with his 17 year old, he'd be spending 90 minutes driving his kid to events on the weekends, learning who was having a party and where they live...

THAT'S how you bond with teenagers. Figuring who gets the car and for how long. My kids don't have a car but we spend a lot of time just talking logistics - who gets the care when, who picks who up, who will do which errands so they can have the car - this is all part of raising a teen and staying connected with them.

You know how else you bond with kids? Take them on college visits. Don't feel like helping your kid pay for college? At least help them figure out how they will manage a college education without your help. Help them fill out the FAFSA. (You can do this with him over the phone or a zoom call, even - I have done it with my college student that way. Share a screen and talk him through it.) Take them to their school's financial aid night, or college open house night. I don't care Dad that you live 1.5 hours away from your kid - YOU are the one who moved away. If you want a relationship with your kid you go to HIM and offer to help him do things that will help HIM. Kids don't exist for YOUR pleasure, Dad - you are supposed to care more about HIM than you care about yourself.

The issue is you don't value Dad in your kids life having full custody. With every other weekend visits you cannot do all the tings you list. You simply don't get it. Try having your kids 4 days a month and doing everything you are stating. This Dad wants a relationship and is being refused. The reason why these kids lose their Dad is because Mom's like you rationalize everything is more important to justify keeping the kids away from Dad. Friends are not more important than Dad. Nor is working.

It's kinda sad the only way you bond with your kids is driving them places. How about spending quality time with them? Or, did you teach them you aren't a priority either?

NP and you are describing my child who struggles socially. You are not a kind and sensitive person.
Do you have active, social, althete teens? You don't "get" much time with them AT ALL.

My daughter leaves home at 6:45 for practice, is at school and practice and clubs till 6 or 7. Drives home to change then heads out to a meeting/game/dance/practoce/hang with friends/date/babysitting job.

Weekends she's also mostly out of the house.

No one “gets” their teens in the house for four full non school days every month. The kids are out there in the world.

If you want a relationship with active social athletic teens you get it in minutes when you can.

If you kid its constantly out of the house, maybe you should consider why?

I have a teen who is in sports 4-5 days a week, plus another activity 2-3 days a week and we have plenty of time with them. Clearly you don't have a very good relationship with your daughter if she doesn't want to spend time with you. Why don't you have the kids to your house?

How do you have plenty of time? Do you let them sleep? Are you counting two hours spent on homework every night as "quality time"?

Clearly your kids are social recluses if they are hanging around the house with mom and dad during their precious free time (non school, non-club, non-sports, non social event) senior year instead of going out with their friends. They must not be very popular. what;'s wrong with your kids exactly?

Lots of kids struggle socially, including my own. You are really insensitive and unkind.

NP but I don’t think it was very kind to ask PP why their kid was out of the house all the time as if to imply the kids don’t want to be around their parents. So how about we try mutual kindness.

Stop to think why a kid is never home. Normally it’s because the homelife isn't very good.

In both my junior & senior years of high school, I took 3 AP + 3 honors classes, worked 7 hours/week, went to xc/indoor track/outdoor track 5 days a week and was in 2 clubs. Also volunteered on the weekends.

My high school was only a mile away, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.

It is completely developmentally normal for a 17 year old to prioritize job, friends, and activities over spending 48 hours home with his dad. It shows poor knowledge of child development to think that a parent could build a relationship with his 17 year old by expecting him to leave his job, friends and activities half the weekends in a month, and just hang around with dear old dad.

Any parent who wanted to maintain a relationship with his teen - no matter where the child actually lives or sleeps or visits -- would need to understand that. The whole point or developing a relationship is to benefit the child, not the parent! Kids don't exist so parents can get warm fuzzy feelings by keeping them in the house, like a pet, to spend time with you, on your schedule, when you feel like it.

If it's dad's weekend with the kids, that means its Dad's weekend to help the kids have a developmentally appropriate weekend -- which means *some* family time, but mostly facilitating son's access to work, sports, social life, activities. Driving the kid (or letting him have the car) to parties and sports events.

I have full custody of my teens and can tell you the absolute best time for bonding with teens is when you are driving them places. If Dad really wanted a relationship with his 17 year old, he'd be spending 90 minutes driving his kid to events on the weekends, learning who was having a party and where they live...

THAT'S how you bond with teenagers. Figuring who gets the car and for how long. My kids don't have a car but we spend a lot of time just talking logistics - who gets the care when, who picks who up, who will do which errands so they can have the car - this is all part of raising a teen and staying connected with them.

You know how else you bond with kids? Take them on college visits. Don't feel like helping your kid pay for college? At least help them figure out how they will manage a college education without your help. Help them fill out the FAFSA. (You can do this with him over the phone or a zoom call, even - I have done it with my college student that way. Share a screen and talk him through it.) Take them to their school's financial aid night, or college open house night. I don't care Dad that you live 1.5 hours away from your kid - YOU are the one who moved away. If you want a relationship with your kid you go to HIM and offer to help him do things that will help HIM. Kids don't exist for YOUR pleasure, Dad - you are supposed to care more about HIM than you care about yourself.

The issue is you don't value Dad in your kids life having full custody. With every other weekend visits you cannot do all the tings you list. You simply don't get it. Try having your kids 4 days a month and doing everything you are stating. This Dad wants a relationship and is being refused. The reason why these kids lose their Dad is because Mom's like you rationalize everything is more important to justify keeping the kids away from Dad. Friends are not more important than Dad. Nor is working.

It's kinda sad the only way you bond with your kids is driving them places. How about spending quality time with them? Or, did you teach them you aren't a priority either?

NP and you are describing my child who struggles socially. You are not a kind and sensitive person.
Do you have active, social, althete teens? You don't "get" much time with them AT ALL.

My daughter leaves home at 6:45 for practice, is at school and practice and clubs till 6 or 7. Drives home to change then heads out to a meeting/game/dance/practoce/hang with friends/date/babysitting job.

Weekends she's also mostly out of the house.

No one “gets” their teens in the house for four full non school days every month. The kids are out there in the world.

If you want a relationship with active social athletic teens you get it in minutes when you can.

If you kid its constantly out of the house, maybe you should consider why?

I have a teen who is in sports 4-5 days a week, plus another activity 2-3 days a week and we have plenty of time with them. Clearly you don't have a very good relationship with your daughter if she doesn't want to spend time with you. Why don't you have the kids to your house?

How do you have plenty of time? Do you let them sleep? Are you counting two hours spent on homework every night as "quality time"?

Clearly your kids are social recluses if they are hanging around the house with mom and dad during their precious free time (non school, non-club, non-sports, non social event) senior year instead of going out with their friends. They must not be very popular. what;'s wrong with your kids exactly?

Lots of kids struggle socially, including my own. You are really insensitive and unkind.

NP but I don’t think it was very kind to ask PP why their kid was out of the house all the time as if to imply the kids don’t want to be around their parents. So how about we try mutual kindness.

Stop to think why a kid is never home. Normally it’s because the homelife isn't very good.

In both my junior & senior years of high school, I took 3 AP + 3 honors classes, worked 7 hours/week, went to xc/indoor track/outdoor track 5 days a week and was in 2 clubs. Also volunteered on the weekends.

My high school was only a mile away, thankfully.

That's really unfortunate that you didn't have a great homelife. Same going for your child. You should do better. And, that's a normal schedule around here and yet kids seem to manage to spend time with their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Stop to think why a kid is never home. Normally its because the homelife isn't very good.

17 year olds? They aren't in their home much because they have school, commute to school, extracurricular activities (theater rehearsal, NHS tutoring, Robotics Club, International Club), sports (swimming, Cross Country, lacrosse), sports competitions, concerts, "open mike" night at the coffee house, dances, volunteer activities, other social events.

Home life is fine, but my kids at least are out and about a lot with other teens, getting ready for college and adulthood when they will no longer be living at home.

Seriously, if your kid is 17 and mostly just hangs out with you all at home, there might be some kind of social anxiety or other issue going on. That's fine - but don't think that your kid's behavior means most other teens are somehow living in bad homes because they don't spend many hours at home with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Stop to think why a kid is never home. Normally its because the homelife isn't very good.

17 year olds? They aren't in their home much because they have school, commute to school, extracurricular activities (theater rehearsal, NHS tutoring, Robotics Club, International Club), sports (swimming, Cross Country, lacrosse), sports competitions, concerts, "open mike" night at the coffee house, dances, volunteer activities, other social events.

Home life is fine, but my kids at least are out and about a lot with other teens, getting ready for college and adulthood when they will no longer be living at home.

Seriously, if your kid is 17 and mostly just hangs out with you all at home, there might be some kind of social anxiety or other issue going on. That's fine - but don't think that your kid's behavior means most other teens are somehow living in bad homes because they don't spend many hours at home with their parents.

Sure, keep telling yourself that to justify your bad relationship with your child. But, not surprising given you blocked them from having a relationship with their Dad.

If your kid is doing club swimming, they aren't doing cross country and lacrosse too. And, theater. Or, they are just doing the absolute minimum on each activity as that wouldn't even be possible. Strange how my kid is in multiple activities, clubs and an intense sport, friends and yet, we still find time to spend together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's really unfortunate that you didn't have a great homelife. Same going for your child. You should do better. And, that's a normal schedule around here and yet kids seem to manage to spend time with their families.

That's a normal schedule around here, you are right. But it doesn't leave many hours for spending time at home with families. Maybe just one or at most two waking hours a day, during the school day, and that's totally normal and fine.

The point is, MOST parents of MOST older teens do not spend a whole lot of time with their 17 year olds, at home, just hanging out. An hour or two at most. Spending time with older teenagers and "bonding" with them means meeting them on their terms, basically being there and supporting them when THEY need it. And a lot of that time can actually be spent at a distance if necessary, helping them know how to handle a tricky social issue (or for my college kid, coaching him through a problem with a professor) and often they reach out for help at 11 PM or some very late time like that. Being responsive and listening - that's the way you bond with an older teen or young adult.

It's not through forced time spent physically in your house, away from your friends and activities. That is going to blow up in your face.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

I think the father holds resentment, is being lazy and/or playing this particular circumstance to his advantage for the sake of revenge.

If doubting the veracity of the son's feelings, he could have agreed to flip the pick-up/drop-off arrangement and tried to pick up the son and mom could have brought him home. Since he didn't want this, it's clear that he knew what the outcome would be and is just bitter and playing games now.

Wonder what dad says about all this? We don’t know his side.

Yeah, that would be ideal but what could he possibly say? How would he respond to the question as to why he doesn't come pick his son up? I'm sure there's some context and information missing but I'm not sure that it's really enough to make much of a difference here, I don't think he's being realistic/reasonable.

Mom has posted son refuses to visit. Mom has posted he got a job, friends and activities are her priority for him. Dad can see kid if he’s not doing those things but he’s over scheduled so there is no time.

Dad has refused to contribute to college. Thus kid had job, and activities that could lead to aid. Dad is trying to hamstring the kid's chances re: college. Dad is a controlling, narcissistic POS. To have a series of court proceedings mar the kid's senior year shows how hard dad is working to f up the kid's life and destroy their relationship. That money could have gone toward school expenses or toward a used car so kid is not stranded 80 miles from his life twice a month. Dad's priorities are about rage, abuse and jealousy of the kid.

He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.

Dad did not prioritize knowing his son. Dad is all about his "time", not actually knowing his son.

I've known guys like this. "The court order says 5pm Friday to 5pm Sunday and dammit that's what it will be! I will not be taking kid to their job and they will not see friends or participate in their extra curricular activities. Those 48 hours are about ME." He stopped paying child support as soon as everything was finalized.

Guess what? His kids are just like OP's. 18+ and not interested in Dad.

It actually sounds like he did and child refuses to see Dad and OP is encouraging it. If the order states a specific schedule, then OP needs to follow it or go to court and modify it. Orders are orders. They are not suggestions, just like child support orders are not suggestions. We are talking 4 days a month. Kid sees Dad FOUR days a month. That's not a lot of time.

The next post will be Dad doesn't want to pay for college and extra's after 18....

OP's ex has never intended to pay for college. That is why a PT job and football were esp important to the kid's future college prospects. Can't be on a team or have a PT job if 80 miles away 2 weekends a month.

Ex-DH is really trying to play power games with his son and ruin his senior year and try to ruin kid's rx with his mom and family by causing expense and dragging people into court repeatedly. It's not how you create or nurture a relationship with a teen boy, so that can't be the goal. He is inflicting maximal damage right at the 11th hour.

OP you and your son will be stronger for this. I hope he is able to compartmentalize and still create happy memories with friends despite his sperm donor's final reign of terror. What a horrible man he is, truly a disgrace of a father. Not emotionally or socially supporting his kid, not helping pay college costs, just a real narc bully loser like so many frequent fliers in family court.

OP stated that he played football and Dad changed the visitation schedule for the footballs season. It's no longer football sason and yes, kids can work and see their parents twice a month. Many kids do.

Not from 80 miles away and w/o access to a vehicle they don't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He should refuse if he has no relationship with his child. If the job, friends and activities are more important, then that speaks volumes of how mom parented him. Dad is absolutely right to fight for visitation. On here when Dad's don't fight, they are slammed, so according to DCUM, he should have gone to court.

It is completely developmentally normal for a 17 year old to prioritize job, friends, and activities over spending 48 hours home with his dad. It shows poor knowledge of child development to think that a parent could build a relationship with his 17 year old by expecting him to leave his job, friends and activities half the weekends in a month, and just hang around with dear old dad.

Any parent who wanted to maintain a relationship with his teen - no matter where the child actually lives or sleeps or visits -- would need to understand that. The whole point or developing a relationship is to benefit the child, not the parent! Kids don't exist so parents can get warm fuzzy feelings by keeping them in the house, like a pet, to spend time with you, on your schedule, when you feel like it.

If it's dad's weekend with the kids, that means its Dad's weekend to help the kids have a developmentally appropriate weekend -- which means *some* family time, but mostly facilitating son's access to work, sports, social life, activities. Driving the kid (or letting him have the car) to parties and sports events.

I have full custody of my teens and can tell you the absolute best time for bonding with teens is when you are driving them places. If Dad really wanted a relationship with his 17 year old, he'd be spending 90 minutes driving his kid to events on the weekends, learning who was having a party and where they live...

THAT'S how you bond with teenagers. Figuring who gets the car and for how long. My kids don't have a car but we spend a lot of time just talking logistics - who gets the care when, who picks who up, who will do which errands so they can have the car - this is all part of raising a teen and staying connected with them.

You know how else you bond with kids? Take them on college visits. Don't feel like helping your kid pay for college? At least help them figure out how they will manage a college education without your help. Help them fill out the FAFSA. (You can do this with him over the phone or a zoom call, even - I have done it with my college student that way. Share a screen and talk him through it.) Take them to their school's financial aid night, or college open house night. I don't care Dad that you live 1.5 hours away from your kid - YOU are the one who moved away. If you want a relationship with your kid you go to HIM and offer to help him do things that will help HIM. Kids don't exist for YOUR pleasure, Dad - you are supposed to care more about HIM than you care about yourself.

The issue is you don't value Dad in your kids life having full custody. With every other weekend visits you cannot do all the tings you list. You simply don't get it. Try having your kids 4 days a month and doing everything you are stating. This Dad wants a relationship and is being refused. The reason why these kids lose their Dad is because Mom's like you rationalize everything is more important to justify keeping the kids away from Dad. Friends are not more important than Dad. Nor is working.

It's kinda sad the only way you bond with your kids is driving them places. How about spending quality time with them? Or, did you teach them you aren't a priority either?

Do you have teens? Please describe your idea of how a 17 year olds quality time with Dad Saturday and Sunday looks like in March of their senior year.

Explain what they would do this entire weekend, for example for forty eight hours of quality bonding time.

80 miles from school activities, friends, PT job, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sure, keep telling yourself that to justify your bad relationship with your child. But, not surprising given you blocked them from having a relationship with their Dad.

If your kid is doing club swimming, they aren't doing cross country and lacrosse too. And, theater. Or, they are just doing the absolute minimum on each activity as that wouldn't even be possible. Strange how my kid is in multiple activities, clubs and an intense sport, friends and yet, we still find time to spend together.

Wait, you are confused -- my kids live with both me and their dad. I'm not OP.

The kids' dad lives in the house with us (my husband). Yes, my kids do multiple activities, not on the same day of course. Yes, it is possible to do multiple activities. Then they drive home, have a quick dinner, get started on homework. This is a normal schedule. It doesn't leave much time for "spending time together" -- just an hour or so is how much we see each other, before I go to sleep around 11 PM.

How much time do you spend every school day with your older teenagers, anyhow? How many hours? And what are you all doing together all evening long? I'm curious. Are you spending 5-11 PM together nightly with your 17 year olds? Today is Monday - what quality things have you done with your high school senior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How much time do you spend every school day with your older teenagers, anyhow? How many hours? And what are you all doing together all evening long? I'm curious. Are you spending 5-11 PM together nightly with your 17 year olds? Today is Monday - what quality things have you done with your high school senior?

I'm waiting -- tell me what your evening schedule with your high school senior has been today.

Here's mine:

My kid left the house (before me) to work out, so I didn't see her. I left for work. She came home, showered, changed, and drove to school. School was over at 3:30, she did about an hour of tutoring for NHS and then went to practice until 6:30. Came home at 7, grabbed a quick bite to eat and chatted with me - I saw her for 30 minutes, just long enough to remind her to take the trash out. She's been holed up in her room doing homework where she'll be till probably 10 PM as she has a big group project due later this week and is also writing an essay for a college scholarship application. I might see her another 30 minutes or so; she tends to want to chat around 11 just as I am heading to bed, probably she'll ask me to proofread her scholarship essay.

So that's it - that's our "time" together - about 30 minutes from 6:30-7:00 and then another 30 minutes 10:30-11:00.

Tell me how your high school senior is spending his or her Monday having quality time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How much time do you spend every school day with your older teenagers, anyhow? How many hours? And what are you all doing together all evening long? I'm curious. Are you spending 5-11 PM together nightly with your 17 year olds? Today is Monday - what quality things have you done with your high school senior?

I'm waiting -- tell me what your evening schedule with your high school senior has been today.

Here's mine:

My kid left the house (before me) to work out, so I didn't see her. I left for work. She came home, showered, changed, and drove to school. School was over at 3:30, she did about an hour of tutoring for NHS and then went to practice until 6:30. Came home at 7, grabbed a quick bite to eat and chatted with me - I saw her for 30 minutes, just long enough to remind her to take the trash out. She's been holed up in her room doing homework where she'll be till probably 10 PM as she has a big group project due later this week and is also writing an essay for a college scholarship application. I might see her another 30 minutes or so; she tends to want to chat around 11 just as I am heading to bed, probably she'll ask me to proofread her scholarship essay.

So that's it - that's our "time" together - about 30 minutes from 6:30-7:00 and then another 30 minutes 10:30-11:00.

Tell me how your high school senior is spending his or her Monday having quality time with you.

Mondays are our easy day but yes, I see mine way more. Mine doesn’t hole the self up in their room for homework for starters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sure, keep telling yourself that to justify your bad relationship with your child. But, not surprising given you blocked them from having a relationship with their Dad.

If your kid is doing club swimming, they aren't doing cross country and lacrosse too. And, theater. Or, they are just doing the absolute minimum on each activity as that wouldn't even be possible. Strange how my kid is in multiple activities, clubs and an intense sport, friends and yet, we still find time to spend together.

Wait, you are confused -- my kids live with both me and their dad. I'm not OP.

The kids' dad lives in the house with us (my husband). Yes, my kids do multiple activities, not on the same day of course. Yes, it is possible to do multiple activities. Then they drive home, have a quick dinner, get started on homework. This is a normal schedule. It doesn't leave much time for "spending time together" -- just an hour or so is how much we see each other, before I go to sleep around 11 PM.

How much time do you spend every school day with your older teenagers, anyhow? How many hours? And what are you all doing together all evening long? I'm curious. Are you spending 5-11 PM together nightly with your 17 year olds? Today is Monday - what quality things have you done with your high school senior?

So, why are you posting here? Kinda sad how little time you spend with them. Maybe they hide in their room for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How much time do you spend every school day with your older teenagers, anyhow? How many hours? And what are you all doing together all evening long? I'm curious. Are you spending 5-11 PM together nightly with your 17 year olds? Today is Monday - what quality things have you done with your high school senior?

I'm waiting -- tell me what your evening schedule with your high school senior has been today.

Here's mine:

My kid left the house (before me) to work out, so I didn't see her. I left for work. She came home, showered, changed, and drove to school. School was over at 3:30, she did about an hour of tutoring for NHS and then went to practice until 6:30. Came home at 7, grabbed a quick bite to eat and chatted with me - I saw her for 30 minutes, just long enough to remind her to take the trash out. She's been holed up in her room doing homework where she'll be till probably 10 PM as she has a big group project due later this week and is also writing an essay for a college scholarship application. I might see her another 30 minutes or so; she tends to want to chat around 11 just as I am heading to bed, probably she'll ask me to proofread her scholarship essay.

So that's it - that's our "time" together - about 30 minutes from 6:30-7:00 and then another 30 minutes 10:30-11:00.

Tell me how your high school senior is spending his or her Monday having quality time with you.

Mondays are our easy day but yes, I see mine way more. Mine doesn’t hole the self up in their room for homework for starters.

I didn't ask you if you saw your teen. I asked you to describe your interaction with them last night. What were your activities with the them.

My senior coukd have sat at the dining room table instead of in her room butbher room has her desk and it's where she prefers to work, so I'm not going to tell her she has to work at the table so I can "see" her. I'd have to sit at the table with her wouldn't I? That's completely nuts. Is that what you are calling "quality time with your 17 year old?" The kid has to be physically present with the parent for it to count?

[Anonymous]

So, why are you posting here? Kinda sad how little time you spend with them. Maybe they hide in their room for a reason.

Yes, she works in her room because as he has a desk and her bed there, it's quiet. I'm not going to interact with her while she's doing homework. It's not my project, and she certainly doesn't need me directing her work or telling heevwhst to write.

Tell me how you interact with your high school senior on his homework. Are you still supervising his homework? Is he able to complete work independently? Or do you need to watch over him to make as sure it gets done? Kinda worried about your kid - sounds like he might not be ready for college independence in addition to being a recluse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, why are you posting here? Kinda sad how little time you spend with them. Maybe they hide in their room for a reason.

Yes, she works in her room because as he has a desk and her bed there, it's quiet. I'm not going to interact with her while she's doing homework. It's not my project, and she certainly doesn't need me directing her work or telling heevwhst to write.

Tell me how you interact with your high school senior on his homework. Are you still supervising his homework? Is he able to complete work independently? Or do you need to watch over him to make as sure it gets done? Kinda worried about your kid - sounds like he might not be ready for college independence in addition to being a recluse.

I have slightly younger kids and yes, we still support them - read papers, tutoring help if needed. And, yes we verify work is done. Kinda sad you don't interact at all with yours. That speaks volumes. Perhaps mine are on a more advanced track than yours. Same thing my parents did. Managed just fine in college. Why are you so invested in those that are divorced if you aren't?