17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

My 17 year old DS is a senior in high school, turning 18 in the spring. He has started trying to refuse visitation at his dad's on the every other weekend schedule we've followed for basically his entire life. (Dad lives an hour and 15 minutes away, which is why we have always had that schedule). DS's reason is that he's busy with fall sports (football), school, friends, etc. He doesn't want to be at his dad's two weekends a month anymore. It has nothing to do with liking me or not liking his dad, and everything to do with where his school, friends, and life all are.

His dad is adamant that the schedule has to stay the same until DS turns 18.

What, if anything, can I do here? DS told me he is "not going EOW and you can't make me." Am I expected to manhandle my son into the car and drive him up there next weekend? Hold a gun to his head? I don't want to be in contempt of a court order - and his dad has threatened to take me to court if DS won't cooperate. How is a judge going to look at this for an almost-18 year old? I assume we just have to suck it up until spring, right?

FWIW, I have encouraged my DS to continue to see and spend time with his dad, so I am not the barrier here. But I am sympathetic to where DS is coming from when his dad lives so far away and given his age.

Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I should have added, I really do not have the money to spend to fight this out in court or try to change our court order, and his dad definitely does.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is a dick for not understanding his son’s needs he’s going to have to deal with the consequences when his soon to be adult son refuses to have a relationship with him. Each any chance you can have a verbal conversation gently trying to understand this? Are you required by court order to deliver your son? If that part of the process is not hammered out in writing, then tell your ex he needs to travel to get his son. I would definitely contact my lawyer if I were you to ask what rights a 17-year-old has to refuse. It seems to me at that age he should be allowed to make some decisions about where he spends his time.

[Anonymous]

OP here: our court order requires that I drive him to see his dad at the beginning of the weekend, and his dad drops him off at the end of the weekend. The driving is required to be split 50/50.

My understanding is that in my state, the child does not get to decide until 18. Their desires can be taken into account, but they don't get to make the ultimate decision.

[Anonymous]

By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

[Anonymous]

1.25 hours is not that far. Does he have access to a car so he can see his friends at dad's house? I would just explain that the schedule is court ordered. If he doesn't go to his dad's house, you could be sent to jail. His dad may need to come pick him up if getting him there becomes a problem. Figure out how to make it not your problem. The reality is that it is a very short time until he is off to college (or whatever). You just have to make it less than a year.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. That is a sucky position to be put in. But if your son doesn't want to go, your son needs to tell his dad clearly and come to some sort of agreement. Ask your husband how he expects you to get your son there if your son won't go. Tape the conversation in case it becomes an issue. And yes, probably consult with your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Let it play out. It’s a year or less until he is 18. If your ex does actually move forward with taking you to court, I would then explain to your son the consequences that are happening to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1.25 hours is not that far. Does he have access to a car so he can see his friends at dad's house? I would just explain that the schedule is court ordered. If he doesn't go to his dad's house, you could be sent to jail. His dad may need to come pick him up if getting him there becomes a problem. Figure out how to make it not your problem. The reality is that it is a very short time until he is off to college (or whatever). You just have to make it less than a year.

OP here: no, he does not have his own car. That's part of the problem. I have been helping him save up to try to buy a used one but it's a ways away. I was laid off at the beginning of the pandemic and have been playing financial catch-up ever since.

His dad could easily afford to buy him a car if he wanted to, but he but won't.

[Anonymous]

Have you sat down and explained the repercussions to your son? Here’s what the court order says, here’s what contempt of court means, etc. Bring him into the brainstorm. Perhaps suggest one more weekend with his dad so kid and dad can do the same solution brainstorming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you sat down and explained the repercussions to your son? Here’s what the court order says, here’s what contempt of court means, etc. Bring him into the brainstorm. Perhaps suggest one more weekend with his dad so kid and dad can do the same solution brainstorming.

Don't lie to the kid - he won't be held in contempt of court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you sat down and explained the repercussions to your son? Here’s what the court order says, here’s what contempt of court means, etc. Bring him into the brainstorm. Perhaps suggest one more weekend with his dad so kid and dad can do the same solution brainstorming.

According to my DS, his dad refuses to discuss it with him.

Yes, I have explained what the court order says to my DS and that it applies until he is 18. DS says he doesn't care and wants to call his dad's bluff. He also said he wants to plead his case to a judge himself.

I can't physically force my DS into a car given his size and mine, so I don't really know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Does your agreement dictate that YOU are the one that delivers the child and your ex returns him, or does it just say transporting the child is 50/50? If the later tell ex that he needs to pick up his son and you’ll retrieve him at the end of the weekend.

I seriously think you should gently remind your ex that your son will be an adult in less than a year and you both should be focused on the long game of raising a happy, contented son who wants to maintain relationships with his parents.

When your son is with dad is your son permitted to go out and do his own thing? Or is he required to spend a full weekend of forced and potentially artificial time with his dad? Is your son permitted to invite a friend to come with him or is he allowed to go out for a few hours to meet up with friends. The distance doesn’t seem terribly far.