Guys, how do you feel when she says no?

[Anonymous]

I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do. We just had our 15 year anniversary in the fall and Im lucky to get it 6-8 times per year. No, I didnt put on a 100 pounds and no, I try all the time to initiate. Its to the point where its caused a strain on our marriage and Ill stick it out until the kids get to college and then Im done.

[Anonymous]

sorry....just to add to my post at 23:33....yes its emotional. I feel rejected when she says no. She stays at home, does very little, and I feel that Im a paycheck any more. This reinforced it.

[Anonymous]

Once when I was a little guy, there were a bunch of big kids down the block hanging out and I got my mom to say I could go join them. I ran out there just in time for them to pick teams for some street football. Nobody picked me, and when I made a move to go to the team that would have picked next, everyone yelled at me that I was too little, to go home. Two cute girls were sitting on their lawn watching and saw everything. I ran home in tears and went to cry to my mother who was unusually unsympathetic. As I left the kitchen to go cry to myself under my bed, my older brother pinned me down and pummeled me.

That's how I feel when my wife rejects my advances. totally humiliated, and no matter how great of a day I may have had in every other facet of my life, it promptly totally wrecks the day.

[Anonymous]

Women can feel as rejected as men do, when it happens to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

As with so many things, it depends. If you regularly have sex and the frequency significantly outweighs the rejections, then that's one thing. If you're having sex infrequently as it is, then each rejection is magnified.

For men I think (warning - gross generalization coming) it's a higher priority. No matter how bad my day or how tired I am, if my wife gave me the look, I'd rally. She could wake me up in the middle of the night and I'd be quite happy with the idea. On the other hand, I think (again, generally) that if a woman is tired the last thing she wants is her husband/SO coming at her with that horny look, and if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night looking for sex, there's a good chance I might not live to wake up in the morning.

[Anonymous]

I do, for sure. Outcome depends a lot on how the rejection was done. A rebuff like "stop pawing at me!" becomes pretty hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I read a similar post of rejection the other morning while laying in bed. I got up, brushed my teeth, undressed and crawled back into bed and started in with a blow job and finished on top. Made his day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Women can feel as rejected as men do, when it happens to them.

I'd as it's almost worse. After all, men are supposed to be horn dogs 24/7 so when one turns you down you really wonder what's wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

For the longest time, I didn't realize my wife didn't realize how emotionally I felt the rejections. Of course, in the early years, when sex was more frequent, the rejections weren't a very big deal. Next time wasn't far away.

When you haven't had sex in a week, you get "no, maybe tomorrow" and then sex doesn't happen tomorrow or the next day or for another week, then each rejection looms a lot larger. It's no longer a matter of bad timing - it's a window into how she really feels for you.

If she asked me, "can I spend 20-30 minutes massaging you and giving you oral sex," she'd have to be pretty repulsive for me to decline that invitation. So, I must be that repulsive to her, right?

With sexual attractiveness being so deeply tied into your ego, every rejection turns me back into that shy, vulnerable, uncertain little kid in middle school. Because of how awful that is, the initiations get less frequent and more tentative, and that feeds the rejection cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry....just to add to my post at 23:33....yes its emotional. I feel rejected when she says no. She stays at home, does very little, and I feel that Im a paycheck any more. This reinforced it.

Same here. This is my life. -- DH in Arlington

[Anonymous]

Ew, who asks for sex? Does he just say, "can we have sex tonight?" Or "how about we schedule it at 10pm Tuesday?" Just do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ew, who asks for sex? Does he just say, "can we have sex tonight?" Or "how about we schedule it at 10pm Tuesday?" Just do it

Well, actually, after non-verbal passes get rejected, I do think some people take to asking more bluntly. It's part of the continuum.

[Anonymous]

Please let me give you the other point if view. If a woman is depressed and/ or taking medications that zap her sex drive, the thought of sex in general is repulsive. I am currently going through this. I am suffering depression die to the fact that my husband has been out if work for years. I feel like there is no end in sight or a light at the end if the tunnel. How he thinks I would be interested in Sex is beyond me. Unfortunately his inability to provide for his family has made me lose a lot of respect and interest in general. I think it's true that women look to men to provide and if they can't- or aren't willing, then there is less attraction. I'm not asking him to bear the full brunt of providing. I work full time and am the only source if income. That as well puts a ton of stress on me and makes me even less interested in sex. Really the way I feel right now is I could care less if I ever have sex again. Hopefully that will change at some point, but for now it's the furthest thing from my mind. For women sex is a lot more emotional than physical- and that his the reason I feel that many women say no. Unlike men- we don't just get interested at the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your situation, 07:48, but I don't think it's relevant. Most people generally understand how women feel about sex under circumstances you describe, so it wasn't necessary to provide the other point of view.

We're discussing the emotional effect on men who have pledged to remain monogamous who have been systemically rejected by the spouses. This thread is about the men.