Guys, how do you feel when she says no?

[Anonymous]

Of course it's relevant- maybe if you actually asked your wife why she is rejecting you- or talked to her about it with a therapist- you might understand why. Women need more than just- hey you are my wife therefore obligated to have sex with me. Is there any romance in your life? Do you talk to her On a regular basis and emotionally connect? Are there things at home that she might be resentful about? All these things can contribute to your wife rejecting you for sex. You are taking it personally without really knowing "why" she doesn't want to have it.

If you'd rather just complain about it and never get to the root of the problem- then nothing is going to change. But sure just file divorce papers instead of actually finding out why....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's relevant- maybe if you actually asked your wife why she is rejecting you- or talked to her about it with a therapist- you might understand why. Women need more than just- hey you are my wife therefore obligated to have sex with me. Is there any romance in your life? Do you talk to her On a regular basis and emotionally connect? Are there things at home that she might be resentful about? All these things can contribute to your wife rejecting you for sex. You are taking it personally without really knowing "why" she doesn't want to have it.

If you'd rather just complain about it and never get to the root of the problem- then nothing is going to change. But sure just file divorce papers instead of actually finding out why....

Yeah, that's about to happen, actually. I'm done with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's relevant- maybe if you actually asked your wife why she is rejecting you- or talked to her about it with a therapist- you might understand why. Women need more than just- hey you are my wife therefore obligated to have sex with me. Is there any romance in your life? Do you talk to her On a regular basis and emotionally connect? Are there things at home that she might be resentful about? All these things can contribute to your wife rejecting you for sex. You are taking it personally without really knowing "why" she doesn't want to have it.

If you'd rather just complain about it and never get to the root of the problem- then nothing is going to change. But sure just file divorce papers instead of actually finding out why....

Look! An example of a selfish woman who's so worried about it being "all about her," that she's pointing out how the husband can have some sex (something pleasurable to BOTH people) only when everything she wants is met. She is unconcerned about ANYTHING he wants. There. That sums up the typical woman denying her husband for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

DH here: if our sex life is otherwise healthy, rejection is a non-issue; I'd actually prefer her to tell me when she is not up for it to avoid a bad experience for both of us. When it is not healthy, though, rejection is a major issue and suggests there are serious problems with the relationship. It's not just rejection, though. Disengaged sex where she is clearly only doing it out of a sense of obligation is in some ways worse than being straight-up turned down.

[Anonymous]

How to avoid rejection is valuable information, but it will happen. When it does happen, I think it's valuable for the wife to understand that the effect of the rejection isn't solely a lack of physical release for the guy. It can be an emotionally scarring sort of thing if done too frequently and/or for reasons that are obscure.

For example, if I were to try to initiate when she was deathly ill from the flu and she rejected me, I wouldn't take that personally. (Though why I'd be initiating at a time like that, I don't know.)

On the other hand, if she gives some vague reason about being too tired or there not being a spark or whatever; then cheerfully goes and pulls weeds from the garden or a bunch of other stuff, then I start to wonder why such mundane stuff is so much more of a priority than her sex life with me. You can go run 10 miles but can't have sex with me? Running, like sex, is something you often don't really feel like doing at first, but you like it once you get into it and you feel great afterward. Do your running shoes take you out on a date night first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never realized how deeply rejected men feel when their wives turn them down for sex until I began reading this forum. Whenever my dh asked for sex and I said no, I never thought of it as that big of a deal. Oh well, we'll do it next time. Then I read this post here from a guy who described in detail how sad it made him, how it just shot down his whole self-esteem, especially when it happened over and over again. I think it leads to some guys cheating.

Do other men feel this way? Is it bigger for you emotionally than your wife realizes?

As a wife, I find it hard to believe you didn't realize this. Doesn't it cause self esteem problems when your husband says no over and over again? It sure did wreak havoc on my self esteem, so much so that I stopped initiating frequently. Of course it leads to some spouses, not just guys, cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Women can feel as rejected as men do, when it happens to them.

I'd as it's almost worse. After all, men are supposed to be horn dogs 24/7 so when one turns you down you really wonder what's wrong with you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ew, who asks for sex? Does he just say, "can we have sex tonight?" Or "how about we schedule it at 10pm Tuesday?" Just do it

Wife here. I ask if he's up for sex, point blank. No point in getting my own motor going if he'd rather drink and watch TV.

[Anonymous]

First I didn't notice there was no sex as we were both busy with the kids. Then I pleaded with dw to get help, or an open marriage. Now I am just at a loss about what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First I didn't notice there was no sex as we were both busy with the kids. Then I pleaded with dw to get help, or an open marriage. Now I am just at a loss about what to do next.

How long did it take you to notice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Women can feel as rejected as men do, when it happens to them.

I'd as it's almost worse. After all, men are supposed to be horn dogs 24/7 so when one turns you down you really wonder what's wrong with you.

Saturday night, I wanted to have sex and he said that her was tired and went to sleep. I moved to the guest room. In the morning he came looking for me. I told hm to lie on top of me as I miss his weight. Minutes ticked by... once I could feel my ribs being crushed and the air escaping from my lungs, I told him to get off.

Last night, he blew my mind and made up in more ways that one. And I did not have to do anything. No BJ's, no riding...nothing. He did all the work and went on for a long time.

So, was it me or the Super Bowl?

I don't know and right now I don't care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please let me give you the other point if view. If a woman is depressed and/ or taking medications that zap her sex drive, the thought of sex in general is repulsive. I am currently going through this. I am suffering depression die to the fact that my husband has been out if work for years. I feel like there is no end in sight or a light at the end if the tunnel. How he thinks I would be interested in Sex is beyond me. Unfortunately his inability to provide for his family has made me lose a lot of respect and interest in general. I think it's true that women look to men to provide and if they can't- or aren't willing, then there is less attraction. I'm not asking him to bear the full brunt of providing. I work full time and am the only source if income. That as well puts a ton of stress on me and makes me even less interested in sex. Really the way I feel right now is I could care less if I ever have sex again. Hopefully that will change at some point, but for now it's the furthest thing from my mind. For women sex is a lot more emotional than physical- and that his the reason I feel that many women say no. Unlike men- we don't just get interested at the drop of a hat.

A DW here. If I was in your situation, I would actually be having more sex with DH to feel better about the situation.

Anytiime things have become tough for us, the frequency of sex has actually increased between my DH and I. He needs the encouragement, support and love a wife can offer, and the release in stress and feel good properties of sex.

Sex does not cost money. This is an intimacy you can provide to bolster each other's confidence. Tough times actually calls for more sex, not less!

You were in a dual income family. Which meant that you have less risk of being without money. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. You are making this into a bad thing by not having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First I didn't notice there was no sex as we were both busy with the kids. Then I pleaded with dw to get help, or an open marriage. Now I am just at a loss about what to do next.

How long did it take you to notice?

Two or three years. The second stage took seven or more years.

[Anonymous]

Well, the rejection got very tough on me so I stopped asking. With my DW, I think her denying was more about power and control than it was anything else. I am the primary breadwinner and her credit is not the best so I think she resents needing me as much as she does. I am not a jerk about it and never ever bring up money as an issue.

Anyways, I would ask and she would reject me. When I stopped asking, THAT is when it became a problem for her. "Why don't you want me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First I didn't notice there was no sex as we were both busy with the kids. Then I pleaded with dw to get help, or an open marriage. Now I am just at a loss about what to do next.

How long did it take you to notice?

Two or three years. The second stage took seven or more years.

My conclusion is that you're both very low sex drive. Even with two kids under three, we made it a point to have sex once a week whether we felt like it or not.