Reply to Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding 
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression 
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.[/quote]

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over. [/quote]

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?[/quote]

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death. [/quote]

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? [b]Suck it up buttercup[/b]?[b] I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like.[/b] But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.  [/quote]

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.[/quote]

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive?  The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone.  Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?[/quote]

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.[/quote]

DP.  Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment.  How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?[/quote]

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?[/quote]

If you don’t enjoy spending non-sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.[/quote]

If you don’t enjoy spending sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.[/quote]

There can be many physiological reasons why someone loses interest in sex that have nothing to do with how they feel about their partner.[/quote]

That's actually pretty rare. Even post-menopausal women, and older men who have significantly lower testosterone, often enjoy spending sexual time with their partners when they have a good relationship.[/quote]

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