WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

And we wonder why victims stay silent.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is a total shit show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

But do you trust them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

But do you trust them?

WTH does that matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?

DP, if she is saying don’t tell Because she’s afraid of being retaliated against by the bully girls then I don’t think that’s a reason to not tell and I surmise that is why she’s saying don’t say anything, as well as being embarrassed. Shame and fear are Reasons bullies get away with the behavior.

I see. So basically, you're guessing, and have felt it appropriate to exhort OP to disregard her daughter's wishes based on this speculation. Got it.

Again, with all due respect, just shut up.

NP, and I haven't commented before, but I do think sometimes adults have to go against a child's wish to stay silent. That's kind of the point of being an adult and a parent - sometimes making tough choices.

I recall my good friend calling me very upset - her daughter had confided in her that daughter's friend (age 13) was exchanging sexually charged messages with some older men on the internet. Daughter begged her mom not to tell because then her friend would know that daughter told. My friend was torn, because she didn't want her daughter to lose trust in her. Still, obviously the right thing to do was to reach out to the friend's parents or school.

One thing I recall asking my friend was why she thought her daughter told her? I think, deep down, daughter was afraid for her friend and did want /need an adult to step in and do the right thing. It wasn't something that she was equipped to handle. By telling her mom she was, maybe subconsciously, trying to pass that burden on to an adult. And it then became incumbant on my friend to act like an adult and make an adult decision. And sometimes that means explaining to your child that keeping silent is, while the path of least resistance, not always the right choice. That's where the parenting comes in - you can't always do what your kid wants. Sometimes you need to make an unpopular call because it's the right thing to do. A good parent will be able to explain that to their child.

I'm not saying that going to the coach here is definitely the right way to proceed. I don't feel like I have enough information to make that call. But, while OP's daughters wishes should be considered, they shouldn't necessarily be determinative. OP is the adult.

NP, and I agree with this responding poster.

OP - you may need to talk more with your DD, and may need to tell the coach (giving DD a heads up, of course)

[Anonymous]

OP i was bullied mercilessly when I was in MS. I let it go on for months and begged my mother not to go to the administration. She stayed away and the bullying continued, then when she went against my wishes the bullying stopped cold. Never happened again. Seriously. I know is harder when your kid is almost an adult but her impulse to keep quiet is probably coming from the same place as mine did which was a deep feeling of shame.

All that aside, I applaud you for being level headed and taking your time to assess things and not being a bull in a china shop.

[Anonymous]

Exclusion is not a prank. A prank is funny to make people laugh. This is mean kid. Its not bullying even though everyone terms everything now bullying as bullying would be making fun of her and picking on her somehow. This is mean and cruel. At this point she or mom needs to talk to the coach or find a new team or let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, it was not a sanctioned team event -- it was during the weekend outside of regular after school practice.

The parent should have emailed all the parents the information. It was on the parent who allowed their child to behave that way. However, I'd find a new team. The coach should know and she is clearly not wanted on that team and continuing is only setting her up for future failure. That is not a prank. That is just cruel.

I'm sorry this happened.

It is up to your DD to talk with her coach about it even though it happened outside of official team business. Support her decision.

Schools deal with social media bullying which happens outside if school hours. THis is no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I think you should ask this thread to be taken down. I'm glad people were helpful, but your daughter REALLY doesn't need this to be public, and there are some terribly meanspirited people out there.

Her daughter has nothing to be embarrassed about. She has done nothing but show grace to her teammates despite what happened to her. If anything the girls involved should be embarrassed and I’m a little suspicious of your post and your intentions.

My intentions are good. Girls are cruel. So are their moms. No one wants to be discussed on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

This was not a prank. And you need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

Hi mom of the bully!

I was wondering how long it would take for you to figure out a way to protect your sweet daughter, and finally you've chosen a strategy.

[Anonymous]

OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Damnit Siri!

* conscience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

+1000!
Wow, wow, wow, so very this post OP.
I totally agree with everything this PP has said and am in full agreement that your poor daughter will just become a bigger target if nothing is said. What's to stop these girls from doing something much, much worse to either your child or another child next time? I so feel for you and your daughter OP, I could feel the lump in my throat while reading your initial post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

Bullshit. Kids who bully start with small things and then move on to bigger and bigger things. This is exactly how it starts. OP needs to contact the coach and get these two kids pulled up short. They need to stop before they do something much more serious.