Reply to WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better.  I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes.  I am really sympathetic to your position, [b]BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake.  There is something really rotten happening with her entire team[/b].  Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this.  The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media.  You don't even need to demand specific punishments.  I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this.  There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.[/quote]

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.[/quote]

Good God, shut up, both of you.  I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too.  But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed.  OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it.  This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled.  The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicr[b]ous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies[/b].  And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it.  OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being.   If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up.  Please.  [/quote]

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?[/quote]

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?
[/quote]

DP, if she is saying don’t tell Because she’s afraid of being retaliated against by the bully girls then I don’t think that’s a reason to not tell and [b]I surmise that is why she’s saying don’t say anything[/b], as well as being embarrassed. Shame and fear are Reasons bullies get away with the behavior.[/quote]

I see.  So basically, you're guessing, and have felt it appropriate to exhort OP to disregard her daughter's wishes based on this speculation.  Got it.

Again, with all due respect, just shut up.  [/quote]

NP, and I haven't commented before, but I do think sometimes adults have to go against a child's wish to stay silent. That's kind of the point of being an adult and a parent - sometimes making tough choices.

I recall my good friend calling me very upset - her daughter had confided in her that daughter's friend (age 13) was exchanging sexually charged messages with some older men on the internet. Daughter begged her mom not to tell because then her friend would know that daughter told. My friend was torn, because she didn't want her daughter to lose trust in her. Still, obviously the right thing to do was to reach out to the friend's parents or school.

One thing I recall asking my friend was why she thought her daughter told her? I think, deep down, daughter was afraid for her friend and did want /need an adult to step in and do the right thing. It wasn't something that she was equipped to handle. By telling her mom she was, maybe subconsciously, trying to pass that burden on to an adult. And it then became incumbant on my friend to act like an adult and make an adult decision. And sometimes that means explaining to your child that keeping silent is, while the path of least resistance, not always the right choice. That's where the parenting comes in - you can't always do what your kid wants. Sometimes you need to make an unpopular call because it's the right thing to do. A good parent will be able to explain that to their child.

I'm not saying that going to the coach here is definitely the right way to proceed. I don't feel like I have enough information to make that call. But, while OP's daughters wishes should be considered, they shouldn't necessarily be determinative. OP is the adult. 
[/quote]

NP, and I agree with this responding poster.

OP - you may need to talk more with your DD, and may need to tell the coach (giving DD a heads up, of course)[/quote]

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