Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

You will think differently in 14 years.... and if you mom is a good mom, she will let the lesson just be learned and not smack you upside the head.

There are tons of things you will do in the next 40 years that your 40 year old self can't imagine you would do.

Good luck with the next 60+ years, it will be educational.

I love the people who think and say Oh Just Wait, as a way of dismissing a value or perspective or position,. Guess what, there are people on this thread who have teens and think the same as OP does pre-kids.

Are there people on this forum who knew exactly how they were going to raise their children BEFORE they had children and never wavered from that thinking. If so, that is sad.

There are people that want their child to be an athlete no matter what and there are people who will only devote a certain amount of time and money to each child no matter what. We know families that had rock star gymnasts who just weren't willing to devote the time, money, and energy into making them Olympians. And parents that coached and sought out travel teams for their child even though the child had no strong devotion or great skill in a sport.

And some people want their kids to go to an Ivy league school no matter the cost financially or emotionally.

the point is ... the good parent gets to know their child before they make parenting decision. The OP of this thread things that she knows what she will do with her imaginary children that are not even born yet. She know exactly what she would do... in 14 years and if she does not do exactly what she thinks she would do ... she wants her mom to hit her upside the head.. You can't parent the kids you think you will have you actually have to wait until your child is born ... then make decisions about how to raise them.

And the good parents also know how to balance needs of all family members including themselves for the long haul. It's ok that children don't always develop to their full potential whatever that is. Yes, each child is different, but if parents agree that it's important to be with family on Thanksgiving because that's the biggest holiday of the year for them, they're probably not going to put their child in a pageant that only happens Thanksgiving weekend and will find another outlet for that talent even if that outlet isn't the best one around.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 13 and a swimmer. We are doing this 3x a week and then on top of that we have meets. I've made similar decisions to OP's sister, but I won't again. I regret it. For me, it was the wrong decision and what I've learned is that the important family is more meaningful and longlasting than an individual day in sports in most scenarios. We've had swim meets and soccer tournaments (for my son who made a great travel team and now is on the HS team) and in retrospect any single one has faded away. But the big family events we chose against (because of the commitment or the kid's preferences or the fear of the consequence) for the one kid who had the conflict, well those turned out to be irreplaceable experiences of tremendous value. I think OP's sister will greatly regret this when she gets some space from the sports craziness.

[Anonymous]

I missed my own High School graduation for a tournament.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone come? Just curious. Missing a graduation is a little more understandable because both events are mainly about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

You will think differently in 14 years.... and if you mom is a good mom, she will let the lesson just be learned and not smack you upside the head.

There are tons of things you will do in the next 40 years that your 40 year old self can't imagine you would do.

Good luck with the next 60+ years, it will be educational.

I love the people who think and say Oh Just Wait, as a way of dismissing a value or perspective or position,. Guess what, there are people on this thread who have teens and think the same as OP does pre-kids.

Are there people on this forum who knew exactly how they were going to raise their children BEFORE they had children and never wavered from that thinking. If so, that is sad.

There are people that want their child to be an athlete no matter what and there are people who will only devote a certain amount of time and money to each child no matter what. We know families that had rock star gymnasts who just weren't willing to devote the time, money, and energy into making them Olympians. And parents that coached and sought out travel teams for their child even though the child had no strong devotion or great skill in a sport.

And some people want their kids to go to an Ivy league school no matter the cost financially or emotionally.

the point is ... the good parent gets to know their child before they make parenting decision. The OP of this thread things that she knows what she will do with her imaginary children that are not even born yet. She know exactly what she would do... in 14 years and if she does not do exactly what she thinks she would do ... she wants her mom to hit her upside the head.. You can't parent the kids you think you will have you actually have to wait until your child is born ... then make decisions about how to raise them.

And the good parents also know how to balance needs of all family members including themselves for the long haul. It's ok that children don't always develop to their full potential whatever that is. Yes, each child is different, but if parents agree that it's important to be with family on Thanksgiving because that's the biggest holiday of the year for them, they're probably not going to put their child in a pageant that only happens Thanksgiving weekend and will find another outlet for that talent even if that outlet isn't the best one around.

Funny, we are Italian, the biggest day of the year is Christmas Eve. It drives my MIL crazy but one of her grandchildren sings in the choir every Christmas eve so she misses Christmas Eve every other year for 1 grandchild instead of being with 75 other relatives. Her son, misses every year.

It's not the only concert of the year, it's one of many.

We all make sacrifices. Who knew he would be a singer in the choir. But he loves it, so the people that love him sacrifice, the other relative understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I missed my own High School graduation for a tournament.

Gonzaga? My friends son missed his too.

[Anonymous]

If someone in my family let their child miss a wedding for the sake of sports it would be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

You will think differently in 14 years.... and if you mom is a good mom, she will let the lesson just be learned and not smack you upside the head.

There are tons of things you will do in the next 40 years that your 40 year old self can't imagine you would do.

Good luck with the next 60+ years, it will be educational.

I love the people who think and say Oh Just Wait, as a way of dismissing a value or perspective or position,. Guess what, there are people on this thread who have teens and think the same as OP does pre-kids.

Are there people on this forum who knew exactly how they were going to raise their children BEFORE they had children and never wavered from that thinking. If so, that is sad.

There are people that want their child to be an athlete no matter what and there are people who will only devote a certain amount of time and money to each child no matter what. We know families that had rock star gymnasts who just weren't willing to devote the time, money, and energy into making them Olympians. And parents that coached and sought out travel teams for their child even though the child had no strong devotion or great skill in a sport.

And some people want their kids to go to an Ivy league school no matter the cost financially or emotionally.

the point is ... the good parent gets to know their child before they make parenting decision. The OP of this thread things that she knows what she will do with her imaginary children that are not even born yet. She know exactly what she would do... in 14 years and if she does not do exactly what she thinks she would do ... she wants her mom to hit her upside the head.. You can't parent the kids you think you will have you actually have to wait until your child is born ... then make decisions about how to raise them.

And the good parents also know how to balance needs of all family members including themselves for the long haul. It's ok that children don't always develop to their full potential whatever that is. Yes, each child is different, but if parents agree that it's important to be with family on Thanksgiving because that's the biggest holiday of the year for them, they're probably not going to put their child in a pageant that only happens Thanksgiving weekend and will find another outlet for that talent even if that outlet isn't the best one around.

Funny, we are Italian, the biggest day of the year is Christmas Eve. It drives my MIL crazy but one of her grandchildren sings in the choir every Christmas eve so she misses Christmas Eve every other year for 1 grandchild instead of being with 75 other relatives. Her son, misses every year.

It's not the only concert of the year, it's one of many.

We all make sacrifices. Who knew he would be a singer in the choir. But he loves it, so the people that love him sacrifice, the other relative understand.

Not following. Do these families live near each other? Who misses Christmas Eve? The grandchild or the mother in law? Why does the son miss every year but the grandchild miss only every other year? Do the families see each other Christmas day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone in my family let their child miss a wedding for the sake of sports it would be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

I disagree with this as much as I disagree with the parent who misses all family events for sports. I have a hard time believing people who think family events are important really would act this way. Certain event conflicts take more thought than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone in my family let their child miss a wedding for the sake of sports it would be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

I disagree with this as much as I disagree with the parent who misses all family events for sports. I have a hard time believing people who think family events are important really would act this way. Certain event conflicts take more thought than others.

No, it would be a really, really, really big deal. Maybe because of the culture my parents come from (they are middle eastern) but missing a wedding for something like sports would definitely be read as an insult to the bride and groom and their families. I'm not saying that is how I'd personally react, but that's how a lot of people would read it, including my whole family basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone in my family let their child miss a wedding for the sake of sports it would be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

I disagree with this as much as I disagree with the parent who misses all family events for sports. I have a hard time believing people who think family events are important really would act this way. Certain event conflicts take more thought than others.

No, it would be a really, really, really big deal. Maybe because of the culture my parents come from (they are middle eastern) but missing a wedding for something like sports would definitely be read as an insult to the bride and groom and their families. I'm not saying that is how I'd personally react, but that's how a lot of people would read it, including my whole family basically.

I know people react this way and families harbor resentment for years and even get torn apart, but I think it's a bad of them. There is very little that someone could do in my family that I could not forgive. I might slow my involvement in their life if cancellations became a habit over many years instead of just skipping one or two events because of something they felt was very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

OP here. I think this is my takeaway from this thread. So thank you everyone - it's a valuable takeway and helped me process and move through this.

I actually believe my sister is pretty darn consistent with me on how we view family and I think we both agree that celebratory family gatherings like this present a tremendous opportunity and reward. But somehow sports in her kids' lives seem to trump everything for her for whatever various reasons. I can't tell her how her nuclear family should work, even when it impacts others. I can just be disappointed for me, my partner, my mom, my dad, my grandmother and others who all want my niece to be there with us, and even for my niece (because I subscribe to the fact that these types of moments can be a thread in the beautiful fabric that is a family over the years; sorry for the cheese!). And even for my sister who I am sure wishes she would not have forgotten the tournament and could have her kid in both places. But it is what it is. I told my mom to smack me upside the head if in 14 years I end up with a different outlook. She said she absolutely would.

You will think differently in 14 years.... and if you mom is a good mom, she will let the lesson just be learned and not smack you upside the head.

There are tons of things you will do in the next 40 years that your 40 year old self can't imagine you would do.

Good luck with the next 60+ years, it will be educational.

I love the people who think and say Oh Just Wait, as a way of dismissing a value or perspective or position,. Guess what, there are people on this thread who have teens and think the same as OP does pre-kids.

Are there people on this forum who knew exactly how they were going to raise their children BEFORE they had children and never wavered from that thinking. If so, that is sad.

There are people that want their child to be an athlete no matter what and there are people who will only devote a certain amount of time and money to each child no matter what. We know families that had rock star gymnasts who just weren't willing to devote the time, money, and energy into making them Olympians. And parents that coached and sought out travel teams for their child even though the child had no strong devotion or great skill in a sport.

And some people want their kids to go to an Ivy league school no matter the cost financially or emotionally.

the point is ... the good parent gets to know their child before they make parenting decision. The OP of this thread things that she knows what she will do with her imaginary children that are not even born yet. She know exactly what she would do... in 14 years and if she does not do exactly what she thinks she would do ... she wants her mom to hit her upside the head.. You can't parent the kids you think you will have you actually have to wait until your child is born ... then make decisions about how to raise them.

And the good parents also know how to balance needs of all family members including themselves for the long haul. It's ok that children don't always develop to their full potential whatever that is. Yes, each child is different, but if parents agree that it's important to be with family on Thanksgiving because that's the biggest holiday of the year for them, they're probably not going to put their child in a pageant that only happens Thanksgiving weekend and will find another outlet for that talent even if that outlet isn't the best one around.

Funny, we are Italian, the biggest day of the year is Christmas Eve. It drives my MIL crazy but one of her grandchildren sings in the choir every Christmas eve so she misses Christmas Eve every other year for 1 grandchild instead of being with 75 other relatives. Her son, misses every year.

It's not the only concert of the year, it's one of many.

We all make sacrifices. Who knew he would be a singer in the choir. But he loves it, so the people that love him sacrifice, the other relative understand.

Not following. Do these families live near each other? Who misses Christmas Eve? The grandchild or the mother in law? Why does the son miss every year but the grandchild miss only every other year? Do the families see each other Christmas day?

My BIL and his son miss every year. My MIL misses every other year. The drive is 2 hours and it's 6:00 service. My MIL stays with them every other year for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone in my family let their child miss a wedding for the sake of sports it would be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

I disagree with this as much as I disagree with the parent who misses all family events for sports. I have a hard time believing people who think family events are important really would act this way. Certain event conflicts take more thought than others.

No, it would be a really, really, really big deal. Maybe because of the culture my parents come from (they are middle eastern) but missing a wedding for something like sports would definitely be read as an insult to the bride and groom and their families. I'm not saying that is how I'd personally react, but that's how a lot of people would read it, including my whole family basically.

It's a good way to remove toxic people from your life.

[Anonymous]

Christmas is a repeat event. A wedding or funeral hopefully only happens once. Does this family come up to visit the MIL often and for other holidays or perhaps Christmas day? Does the family always schedule around their child or always have the mom visit them or vice versa? If there was a Christmas wedding planned a year in advance could the child skip a concert one year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is a repeat event. A wedding or funeral hopefully only happens once. Does this family come up to visit the MIL often and for other holidays or perhaps Christmas day? Does the family always schedule around their child or always have the mom visit them or vice versa? If there was a Christmas wedding planned a year in advance could the child skip a concert one year?

Another scenario. If your BIL moved to CA, your MIL lived in NJ, and his siblings only got together with the MIL on Christmas, would the BIL and son always miss Christmas eve because of this singing event even though in February there was a large winter concert every year? The point I'm trying to make is that family members should support one another. Maybe they can't support each other at every event, but it's not healthy when a relationship is so one-sided.