Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

We don't live in representative samples of the U.S., we all live in specific communities that are a function of geography, level of education, etc.. In mine, not changing your name is normal.
I don't come to whatever the message boards are for your community and lecture you about first cousin marriage or whatever's normal there, and the least you can do is show me the same consideration.

Honestly, even if we did 21% is a lot of people? It'd be like thinking people would be confused by a Catholic.

[Anonymous]

I’m not shocked you’re unmarried at this point OP.

[Anonymous]

I had a different name from both my mother and my father because of their home country’s naming structure. It was a complete nonissue my entire childhood. So the people saying this is a problem for the kids need to be more specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a different name from both my mother and my father because of their home country’s naming structure. It was a complete nonissue my entire childhood. So the people saying this is a problem for the kids need to be more specific.

It’s a non issue for anyone who actually lives it. People are just making up stuff that doesn’t exist.

[Anonymous]

I kept my last name mostly out of laziness but the idea of being called by a different name felt odd.

That being said, it is more efficient to have same last name for whole family. It’s up to you to choose which one.

In my culture traditionally women kept their last name (often their dad’s first name) or took husband’s first name until recently when they started following westernized trend of using husband’s last name.

As women are given their dad’s name not mom’s name, husband wanting them to take his last name isn’t patriarchal but more like ownership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

Not necessarily. My kids were secure in knowledge that marriage of their parents is as strong or stronger than marriages of couples with same last names.

[Anonymous]

The justification on both sides is ridiculous. So many insecure people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

Not necessarily. May be she doesn’t want to go through the process of changing her name on all personal and professional documents and knows that it would be her headache to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The justification on both sides is ridiculous. So many insecure people.

What’s your stance on this?

[Anonymous]

More than half of the women on this forum are divorced or contemplating a divorce or against marriage so statistically changing names is a bad idea. Only real question is whose last name kids should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The justification on both sides is ridiculous. So many insecure people.

What’s your stance on this?

My stance on what? If the OP should break up? Probably, but for not for the reason she thinks.

On changing last names? I didn't change mine because I didn't want to. I think that's the only reason that matters, either way.

IDC what other people/couples do because I don't think changing or not changing means anything on a macro level. I also think either is a perfectly fine decision that is personal, so I don't need your weak justifications. Just own your choice. It's also one that can be undone if you want to go through the hassle, either way.

[Anonymous]

I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

Not necessarily. May be she doesn’t want to go through the process of changing her name on all personal and professional documents and knows that it would be her headache to do that.

OP didn't say that anyone as the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate the patriarchy but took my husbands name gladly. The reason was that I wasn’t particularly close with my family of origin due to their patriarchal structure. So I figured why not choose a new name for me, of the man I love. It wasn’t even that I loved his family at that time, it was just a new fresh start for me. Still happy with the choose.

Exactly. Women who actually love the man they marry have no issues with asking his name.

[Anonymous]

Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.