Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She changed the name or can be single

I'd rather be single.

Me too. This guy is not someone I'd want to spend my life with or father my children. There are far better men out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this ridiculous, my mom kept her last name, as did I. My sons have my last name as a middle name and my husband's as a surname. My spouse and I have been married over 15 years, my parents have been married over 60 years.

I don't personally care if someone socially calls me Mrs. Husband's name, but I didn't want the legal hassle and I quite like my name. Literally never had issues.

It's your name, it's your day to day life.

+1 I wouldn't marry someone who had that kind of regressive view over what my own name would be. I did the same and for my kids as well.

[Anonymous]

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I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

Women have had to sacrifice their identity and freedom for “tradition” and “cultural norms” for centuries. That is ALWAYS the argument for having women being second class. So yeah, I judge it. I have that right.

Women and their progeny needed security. It was and still is a trade-off or transaction if you will.
Marriage is a social contract and yes, one's identity will be revised by entering into that.

Most cultures around the world don’t require this “identity revision.” It is a purely western construct, and let’s face it, western marriages aren’t better than anyone else’s.

Lol, PP’s "Women and their progeny needed security.” is extra hilarious because most women and children only need protection from the man in the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you asked your partner why it's important for him for the family to have his name? My husband is the only male in his immediate family. His two cousins are women.

His family has a long history that he wishes to preserve. I agreed to take his name to honor his side of the family. My name is common and we're as a family are not as connected to it as my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked your partner why it's important for him for the family to have his name? My husband is the only male in his immediate family. His two cousins are women.

His family has a long history that he wishes to preserve. I agreed to take his name to honor his side of the family. My name is common and we're as a family are not as connected to it as my husband.

Does this mean the his cousins are justified in making their husbands take their name? Since your name is common and unimportant, are the men in your family changing their names to their wives'?

[Anonymous]

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I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

It's nonsense to you and important to him. If this is going to be such a huge fight you shouldn't marry. I've been married over 20 years and it's basically a lot of compromise, he doesn't want to go to Florida to visit my family but it's important to me so we go. I don't want to live closer to his job but it's important to him so that's where we buy. You don't have to agree with what's important but negating his feelings and forcing him to justify them on your terms means you will not be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

It’s proof that women on this forum are educated, independent and don’t fall for patriarchal BS that you so desperately want to hang on to. I bet you tell women to smile more too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

Ughhhh
I agree.

Don’t even ask me how I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

As someone whose mom never changed her name, no, no it's not. I don't think anyone ever even noticed.

As a child who’s mom was married more than once… The world for me absolutely noticed


Why do you and your mother and siblings alllll have diff last names

Are you all related ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

Nope. I kept my name.

-A woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was really happy to change to my husband's last name because my father is not a kind person and I was excited to start a new family and not have my father's last name anymore. I did not want to be associated with my abusive family unit any longer.

I considered it a choice of choosing between two different men's last names and I preferred my DH, as he's a better person.

We. Don’t. Care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

As someone whose mom never changed her name, no, no it's not. I don't think anyone ever even noticed.

As a child who’s mom was married more than once… The world for me absolutely noticed


Why do you and your mother and siblings alllll have diff last names

Are you all related ?

DP. Siblings with different names from each other might draw some notice, but a mother and a kid having different last names will not drawn any attention at least around DC. I just put together a birthday invite list and almost half the kids have different last names than at least one of their parents. It's just too common to be remarkable, even if it's still the minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that most (79%) of hetero marriages in the US involve a woman taking the man's last name this thread is a great example of the liberal bias on DCUM. The fact that most posters are offended that the woman is being asked to do what most women do and the man wants to follow what is the common norm in our country is pretty silly.

We don't live in representative samples of the U.S., we all live in specific communities that are a function of geography, level of education, etc.. In mine, not changing your name is normal.
I don't come to whatever the message boards are for your community and lecture you about first cousin marriage or whatever's normal there, and the least you can do is show me the same consideration.