Reply to 19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What kind of family and friends do you all have that [b]everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving[/b]?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread![/quote]

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html[/quote]

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything  by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.[/quote]

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s. [/quote]

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either. [/quote]

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD. [/quote]

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.[/quote]

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age. 
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home. [/quote]
I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation. 
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.[/quote]

It's actually a bigger deal for OP than her potential kids. Family life is better if you have a partner who loves what you love and can keep up with.  If you love to ski in the example above, you'd probably be skiing alone by the time you are 40ish, and he's 60ish.  My late 60s parents still ski, but at a much different pace than my teenagers and me.

Also, all you need is love -BS.  You need a partner who shares your values, priorities, and dreams for the future.  I'm going through this now with my older husband.  He dreams about buying a home in the desert and golfing.  The kids and I want to go on big adventures, like white-water rafting this summer, a safari in Africa, and a sailing trip (they've learned in summer camps and are ready to put their skills to use).    When I think about what I want for myself over the next 5, 10, and 20 years, there is minimal overlap with what he wants for himself, aside from our commitment to being good parents.  Our lives are moving in separate directions; soon, we will be one of those couples who are together but live separate lives.  I can plan trips with the kids (and I find myself hanging out with single moms and coordinating with them on activities), and leave him behind, but it's a little sad for me when I see other families who all seem happy with two parents out having fun and being together in the same life stage.  Add in older kids from a first marriage and the inevitable conflicting priorities over how time and money are spent with them versus on OP and her kids, and you have guaranteed misery.

I think OP is making a huge mistake but nothing anyone says on here will change her mind.  [/quote]

Read her updates guys.. She had said that she won’t be marrying this guy.[/quote]

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