No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

Because they had attended a number of events together over the 15 years I’ve been married?

The issue isn’t dysfunction, it’s unrealistic expectations of what a wedding is/means/requires. Weddings being a three day affair is simply not the same ask as the service at 4:30, dinner and dancing at 6:30 weddings my parents loved not taking us to as kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Well the issue then is with your entitled aunt and cousin! That is rude. I purposely wouldn't attend if a relative did that. They are free to say "no kids" and I am also free to say, "thanks for the invite, hope it's a beautiful day. So sorry we won't be able to attend".
End of discussion, no reason to discus the WHY. It is not their business

And yes, I'd avoid that reltavie/family in the future

Yes I agree. But my point is that wedding hosts have plenty of anger around this issue, not just wedding guests.

And, I believe, unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes that’s absolutely right. But I won’t be attending any weddings if my kids aren’t invited.

This alone is justification for having child-free wedding.

DP. How rude you are, to attack PP like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Appalling behavior.

[Anonymous]

The only time I was annoyed was for my BILs wedding. DH in the wedding and I was asked to do a reading. After I agreed, no kids rule mentioned and I had to figure out care for my 18 month old on the West Coast. Royal pain. In retrospect, I wish I had just declined to go. I felt like I couldn’t not be there because it felt like a family obligation, but it was very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes that’s absolutely right. But I won’t be attending any weddings if my kids aren’t invited.

This alone is justification for having child-free wedding.

DP. How rude you are, to attack PP like that.

Ha. Well, luckily I am perfectly fine with PP not wanting me at her wedding, children included or not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three children, who I love dearly, and at the same time understand why people decide to have adults only weddings. My husband and I had an adults only wedding, with the exception of infants and his 7 year old nephew who we were told had to attend.

A good friend had an adults only wedding and now her husband doesn’t speak to his sister because she was angry she could not bring her 12 year old (his sister lived an hour away from the venue) and has never recovered from the slight. His other sister actually brought her child in protest of the wedding being adults only.

My husband and I were just invited to his cousin’s adults only wedding and my SILs, who I like a lot, are irate even though their in laws can watch their children who are in grade school, the wedding is in the evening with a 7 pm dinner, and they both regularly attend weddings for friends without their children and even travel internationally without their children (the wedding is four hours away). My MIL, who I also like a lot, has promised to try to strong arm the couple into allowing children and my SILs have declared the bride persona non grata.

What am I missing? Why do people go to such lengths to push boundaries on this issue and feel such vitriol about an adult only wedding when not attending is always an option? I have declined various social invitations over the years because of childcare or children-related issues and never begrudged the individual sending the invite for not allowing me to show up with my brood. This feels more and more to me like a hazing ritual some families put engaged couples through, or am I missing something?

I was married 10+ years ago and allowed children at my black-tie wedding. We had a live band, multi-course sit down meal, open bar and kids and it was a blast. I had many cousins (young elementary up to teens) and some friends with kids. It was fun. All my younger cousins sat at a kid's table by the dessert table that came out during dancing. They all loved it and told me so. Many people didn't bring their kids, but I wanted to offer since many people traveled (it was in my home state but I didn't live there anymore but had it there to make it easier for my family).

I attended 3 weddings in my DH's family and no kids allowed. We had to travel for those weddings and getting childcare was rather difficult. My mom still works FT, takes care of her own mother and we don't know anyone where the wedding venues took place. One of the wedding's my SIL's in-laws watched all the kids which was so kind, another my DH attended alone so I could watch the kids, and another we got a recommendation of a sitter in the city and used them. It turned out bad (we came back early before dinner) and I would never do that again.

One of my cousins who attended my wedding as a young teen is getting married. I was told by her mom, my aunt, she is being a bridezilla and isn't allowing kids (even though my aunt and uncle are paying 100% of the wedding, honeymoon, and rehearsal costs).
This wedding is out of state, not in our home state, and cost for travel for everyone is $. I might go alone or we might skip the wedding. I know if we skip it, they will be upset but I don't know how they can expect so much from people with young kids.
My in-laws offered to watch our kid, but told us we could need to cover their travel costs. So paying for airline tickets, 2-3 hotel rooms is very expensive and not worth it in my opinion. My in-laws also have health issues (including upcoming surgeries) and I don't know if they will even be able to attend. I appreciate the gesture as no one in my family ever babysits even if I ask for an hour when I am visiting our home state.

I think it's fine not to have kids, but then don't get upset when family or friends who have kids do not attend your wedding especially if it's out of state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I wouldn’t create a family schism over this, but banning elementary school kids from a wedding is a pretty cold and exclusionary move. I would be annoyed and wouldn’t really make any effort to attend if my 12 year old wasn’t invited. I certainly would not pay for an overnight sitter for him on top of any other costs.

It's not cold, it's a personal choice that was not made to offend you. I couldn't pay the per person plate cost for all the kids that would have been at my reception. It blew up the cost of my wedding that was many decades ago. If people elected not to come because of it, I was fine. I did everything I could to save $ on the wedding my husbands family insisted we have but didn't help paying for. We were buying a house and we were scrimping and saving for that.

Plus, for a 12+ yo, who needs a baby sitter? Do you not have friends who live near you? Your kid's friends? My 12 yo would much rather (99% of the time) be with their friends for a 1-2 day sleepover than dragged to an adult event. By time your kid is 12, you really should have friends and they should have friends, and if you reciprocate, you don't have to "pay babysitters" even for a night away.

This is fine if you don't have to travel. For recent family weddings all of them have been out of the home state where all family live (except us) or a destination wedding. Also, all of the weddings the parents 100% of the costs.

My neighbor/friends would be fine watching my kid for a night but I am meant to fly across the country or half way across and fly back in 12 -24 hours and attend a wedding/rehearsal/etc? Not worth it. I am fine doing this for a wedding that is max 90 minutes away though.

Also, I tried this and the family canceled last minute, so it isn't always set in stone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

Because they had attended a number of events together over the 15 years I’ve been married?

The issue isn’t dysfunction, it’s unrealistic expectations of what a wedding is/means/requires. Weddings being a three day affair is simply not the same ask as the service at 4:30, dinner and dancing at 6:30 weddings my parents loved not taking us to as kids.

What type of weddings are you attending? Most I attend are The Wedding itself, cocktails and hor'derves and then the reception with dinner and dancing.
If it is close relatives or we are in the wedding party, then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before. That's it. Many people now invite many people to the rehearsal dinner the night before as well (I've been to 3 in the last year for family), but not all. So at most it is a 2 day event, and the day of the wedding we have to ourselves until the 3/4pm wedding.

But what are these 3 day affairs you reference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Well the issue then is with your entitled aunt and cousin! That is rude. I purposely wouldn't attend if a relative did that. They are free to say "no kids" and I am also free to say, "thanks for the invite, hope it's a beautiful day. So sorry we won't be able to attend".
End of discussion, no reason to discus the WHY. It is not their business

And yes, I'd avoid that reltavie/family in the future

Yes I agree. But my point is that wedding hosts have plenty of anger around this issue, not just wedding guests.

And, I believe, unrealistic expectations.

Guess I have been lucky to not meet any wedding hosts like that (guess that means my family is not as crazy as most?!?!) And if I did have a relative/wedding host/B&G chastise me for not attending their wedding, well I'd question why I'm friends with someone who is so rude and obnoxious, and would end that relationship or at least cut back greatly.
In fact, I'd probably not even send a gift if they were rude and angry because I was not attending the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three children, who I love dearly, and at the same time understand why people decide to have adults only weddings. My husband and I had an adults only wedding, with the exception of infants and his 7 year old nephew who we were told had to attend.

A good friend had an adults only wedding and now her husband doesn’t speak to his sister because she was angry she could not bring her 12 year old (his sister lived an hour away from the venue) and has never recovered from the slight. His other sister actually brought her child in protest of the wedding being adults only.

My husband and I were just invited to his cousin’s adults only wedding and my SILs, who I like a lot, are irate even though their in laws can watch their children who are in grade school, the wedding is in the evening with a 7 pm dinner, and they both regularly attend weddings for friends without their children and even travel internationally without their children (the wedding is four hours away). My MIL, who I also like a lot, has promised to try to strong arm the couple into allowing children and my SILs have declared the bride persona non grata.

What am I missing? Why do people go to such lengths to push boundaries on this issue and feel such vitriol about an adult only wedding when not attending is always an option? I have declined various social invitations over the years because of childcare or children-related issues and never begrudged the individual sending the invite for not allowing me to show up with my brood. This feels more and more to me like a hazing ritual some families put engaged couples through, or am I missing something?

I was married 10+ years ago and allowed children at my black-tie wedding. We had a live band, multi-course sit down meal, open bar and kids and it was a blast. I had many cousins (young elementary up to teens) and some friends with kids. It was fun. All my younger cousins sat at a kid's table by the dessert table that came out during dancing. They all loved it and told me so. Many people didn't bring their kids, but I wanted to offer since many people traveled (it was in my home state but I didn't live there anymore but had it there to make it easier for my family).

I attended 3 weddings in my DH's family and no kids allowed. We had to travel for those weddings and getting childcare was rather difficult. My mom still works FT, takes care of her own mother and we don't know anyone where the wedding venues took place. One of the wedding's my SIL's in-laws watched all the kids which was so kind, another my DH attended alone so I could watch the kids, and another we got a recommendation of a sitter in the city and used them. It turned out bad (we came back early before dinner) and I would never do that again.

One of my cousins who attended my wedding as a young teen is getting married. I was told by her mom, my aunt, she is being a bridezilla and isn't allowing kids (even though my aunt and uncle are paying 100% of the wedding, honeymoon, and rehearsal costs).
This wedding is out of state, not in our home state, and cost for travel for everyone is $. I might go alone or we might skip the wedding. I know if we skip it, they will be upset but I don't know how they can expect so much from people with young kids.
My in-laws offered to watch our kid, but told us we could need to cover their travel costs. So paying for airline tickets, 2-3 hotel rooms is very expensive and not worth it in my opinion. My in-laws also have health issues (including upcoming surgeries) and I don't know if they will even be able to attend. I appreciate the gesture as no one in my family ever babysits even if I ask for an hour when I am visiting our home state.

I think it's fine not to have kids, but then don't get upset when family or friends who have kids do not attend your wedding especially if it's out of state.

Obviuosly, it is fine to RSVP "NO" to a wedding. No reason needs to be given. If your kids are not invited, then it's possible only one member of the couple will be able to attend. Most brides/grooms/hosts do not care and understand. Anyone who doesn't is ridiculous.
But they are entitled to an Adult only Wedding, just understand that not everyone will come if they have to also arrange a baby sitter in a new town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I wouldn’t create a family schism over this, but banning elementary school kids from a wedding is a pretty cold and exclusionary move. I would be annoyed and wouldn’t really make any effort to attend if my 12 year old wasn’t invited. I certainly would not pay for an overnight sitter for him on top of any other costs.

It's not cold, it's a personal choice that was not made to offend you. I couldn't pay the per person plate cost for all the kids that would have been at my reception. It blew up the cost of my wedding that was many decades ago. If people elected not to come because of it, I was fine. I did everything I could to save $ on the wedding my husbands family insisted we have but didn't help paying for. We were buying a house and we were scrimping and saving for that.

Plus, for a 12+ yo, who needs a baby sitter? Do you not have friends who live near you? Your kid's friends? My 12 yo would much rather (99% of the time) be with their friends for a 1-2 day sleepover than dragged to an adult event. By time your kid is 12, you really should have friends and they should have friends, and if you reciprocate, you don't have to "pay babysitters" even for a night away.

This is fine if you don't have to travel. For recent family weddings all of them have been out of the home state where all family live (except us) or a destination wedding. Also, all of the weddings the parents 100% of the costs.

My neighbor/friends would be fine watching my kid for a night but I am meant to fly across the country or half way across and fly back in 12 -24 hours and attend a wedding/rehearsal/etc? Not worth it. I am fine doing this for a wedding that is max 90 minutes away though.

Also, I tried this and the family canceled last minute, so it isn't always set in stone.

Guess I (and my kids) had fun reliable friends. I often took my friends kids for an evening if both parents had to travel, or for a day or two so they could get a weekend away no kids. They did the same for me. I had 4-6 very good options for each of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have become so narcissistic. I guess I can understand it for people in their 20s. I got married at 25 and thought my wedding was a big deal (but didn’t exclude kids). Now, pushing 50, I have more perspective. The chances to have the whole family/loved ones all together are few and far between. And nobody cares about a wedding being “perfect” - they won’t even remember it after a week. The fact that people don’t want children to “ruin” their day is sad. That just isn’t what it’s about.

For most of us the exclusion of children is not because of the desire for a perfect wedding. For most of us, it destroys the reception budget. Keep pretending there is no cost per plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

Because they had attended a number of events together over the 15 years I’ve been married?

The issue isn’t dysfunction, it’s unrealistic expectations of what a wedding is/means/requires. Weddings being a three day affair is simply not the same ask as the service at 4:30, dinner and dancing at 6:30 weddings my parents loved not taking us to as kids.

What type of weddings are you attending? Most I attend are The Wedding itself, cocktails and hor'derves and then the reception with dinner and dancing.
If it is close relatives or we are in the wedding party, then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before. That's it. Many people now invite many people to the rehearsal dinner the night before as well (I've been to 3 in the last year for family), but not all. So at most it is a 2 day event, and the day of the wedding we have to ourselves until the 3/4pm wedding.

But what are these 3 day affairs you reference?

Every wedding I’ve been to in the last five years has been a “rehearsal dinner” (no actual rehearsal unless you’re in the wedding party— and if you are add a whole day the day of the rehearsal…) then the wedding itself, then the after party, then a farewell brunch. In one happy case the after party was in the same hotel but usually it hasn’t been.

When I was a kid, I never went to weddings with my parents unless I was in them, and even then there was a room set aside with pizza and movies we weren’t eating wedding food at the tables, we got to go to the dancing and the cake. So I have no belief that kids need to be at weddings. But my parents left the house in the afternoon and be home that same night. If weddings were like that now we’d say yes to a lot more invitations, but people seem afraid to have less than a weekend worth of parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

Because they had attended a number of events together over the 15 years I’ve been married?

The issue isn’t dysfunction, it’s unrealistic expectations of what a wedding is/means/requires. Weddings being a three day affair is simply not the same ask as the service at 4:30, dinner and dancing at 6:30 weddings my parents loved not taking us to as kids.

What type of weddings are you attending? Most I attend are The Wedding itself, cocktails and hor'derves and then the reception with dinner and dancing.
If it is close relatives or we are in the wedding party, then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before. That's it. Many people now invite many people to the rehearsal dinner the night before as well (I've been to 3 in the last year for family), but not all. So at most it is a 2 day event, and the day of the wedding we have to ourselves until the 3/4pm wedding.

But what are these 3 day affairs you reference?

Every wedding I’ve been to in the last five years has been a “rehearsal dinner” (no actual rehearsal unless you’re in the wedding party— and if you are add a whole day the day of the rehearsal…) then the wedding itself, then the after party, then a farewell brunch. In one happy case the after party was in the same hotel but usually it hasn’t been.

When I was a kid, I never went to weddings with my parents unless I was in them, and even then there was a room set aside with pizza and movies we weren’t eating wedding food at the tables, we got to go to the dancing and the cake. So I have no belief that kids need to be at weddings. But my parents left the house in the afternoon and be home that same night. If weddings were like that now we’d say yes to a lot more invitations, but people seem afraid to have less than a weekend worth of parties.

Where did you get the idea you had to attend all the events? If local just go to the ceremony and reception.