No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

I have three children, who I love dearly, and at the same time understand why people decide to have adults only weddings. My husband and I had an adults only wedding, with the exception of infants and his 7 year old nephew who we were told had to attend.

A good friend had an adults only wedding and now her husband doesn’t speak to his sister because she was angry she could not bring her 12 year old (his sister lived an hour away from the venue) and has never recovered from the slight. His other sister actually brought her child in protest of the wedding being adults only.

My husband and I were just invited to his cousin’s adults only wedding and my SILs, who I like a lot, are irate even though their in laws can watch their children who are in grade school, the wedding is in the evening with a 7 pm dinner, and they both regularly attend weddings for friends without their children and even travel internationally without their children (the wedding is four hours away). My MIL, who I also like a lot, has promised to try to strong arm the couple into allowing children and my SILs have declared the bride persona non grata.

What am I missing? Why do people go to such lengths to push boundaries on this issue and feel such vitriol about an adult only wedding when not attending is always an option? I have declined various social invitations over the years because of childcare or children-related issues and never begrudged the individual sending the invite for not allowing me to show up with my brood. This feels more and more to me like a hazing ritual some families put engaged couples through, or am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't affect you if other people have different feelings or responses. You don't need to understand it.

I had kids at my wedding. I've been to weddings with and without my kids. I RSVP according to what works for my family. But I don't care if other people care about this. Not my problem.

[Anonymous]

I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

[Anonymous]

So a man invited his sister to his wedding but left out his 12yo niece/nephew, their child?
That’s rude.

I’ve been invited to
Adult only weddings by friends without kids. It doesn’t make me angry but sometimes I don’t go.
To be invited to a siblings wedding though, but my tween isn’t invited, that burns.

[Anonymous]

I see both sides.

My dds were actually IN the wedding as flower girls and still weren't allowed to attend the reception. They were older too, well behaved, and super excited for the bride. Mostly they just like all the romantic, princess things. They definitely left the wedding crying. Bride didn't want kids ruining the reception vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't affect you if other people have different feelings or responses. You don't need to understand it.

I had kids at my wedding. I've been to weddings with and without my kids. I RSVP according to what works for my family. But I don't care if other people care about this. Not my problem.

This. But part of that is don't blame people for not coming if their kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The bigger shift is the couple paying for the wedding. If mom is paying, the grand kids and nieces and nephews are part of the deal because wedding have traditionally been family reunions

[Anonymous]

I think uninviting a 12 year old niece is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a difference between kids who are nieces/nephews and kids of other random invitees. But both DH and I are from fairly small families and there weren't any nieces/nephews when we got married; I can imagine that might not make sense for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

It's definitely the instagram effect. People would rather spend the money on a videographer or better flowers than their guests or pay for kids.

[Anonymous]

We had a "no kids" wedding and looking back, regret it. It's a family celebration and everyone should be included.

But yeah, I wanted it to be a grown-up affair (e.g., open bar, live band). I didn't understand the kid thing. We offered on-site babysitting, which we thought was super thoughtful, but parents of young ones did not like that option at all.

As it turned out, we had several teenagers come and probably irritated the parents of very young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The bigger shift is the couple paying for the wedding. If mom is paying, the grand kids and nieces and nephews are part of the deal because wedding have traditionally been family reunions

That is also a very good point. Adding to that, people are spending more than they can afford on a wedding and many times that goes to make things picture perfect even if it’s over budget and it takes precedence over inviting relatives.

[Anonymous]

Once the first few couples in any group has kids, everyone will change their tune.

[Anonymous]

But yeah, I wanted it to be a grown-up affair (e.g., open bar, live band). I didn't understand the kid thing.

At Italian weddings they always have these things plus lots of kids.