No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

1. It's fine to have an adults-only event. Nobody should get mad about it.

2. It's fine to decline to come to such an event for any reason at all, including childcare. Nobody should get mad about it.

3. If you think there must be a family reunion, then arrange one yourself. No other person owes it to you and is obligated to do it for you.

[Anonymous]

American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Actually, most cultures around the world do not do childless weddings. When I’ve discussed this with international friends everyone finds the concept weird!

[Anonymous]

^That being said, I would still respect the couple’s wishes. I just have to admit I do find the child-free wedding concept strange and slightly vain. But holding a grudge against such a couple is pretty extreme! Just don’t go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. It's fine to have an adults-only event. Nobody should get mad about it.

2. It's fine to decline to come to such an event for any reason at all, including childcare. Nobody should get mad about it.

3. If you think there must be a family reunion, then arrange one yourself. No other person owes it to you and is obligated to do it for you.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to not have kids at your wedding.

But dont complain when people decline to attend. Just shut it.

This isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People have become so narcissistic. I guess I can understand it for people in their 20s. I got married at 25 and thought my wedding was a big deal (but didn’t exclude kids). Now, pushing 50, I have more perspective. The chances to have the whole family/loved ones all together are few and far between. And nobody cares about a wedding being “perfect” - they won’t even remember it after a week. The fact that people don’t want children to “ruin” their day is sad. That just isn’t what it’s about.

Well, you're old. Your perspective has changed. You don't know if you'll see everyone again. Young people plan the parties they want to have. Start hosting annual family reunions to scratch that itch.

Late 40s is not old, but it’s a different perspective than 25. Plus it’s gross to use age as an insult.

Agree it’s not old, and I’m late 40s myself, also married at 25, with a similar perspective. I wish we could have included children. The reality is that we couldn’t afford the wedding we wanted while inviting kids even with cuts like making it a daytime wedding etc, buffet not sit down - money was an issue for us. I don’t have regrets about making financial choices and not going into debt over a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

Because they had attended a number of events together over the 15 years I’ve been married?

The issue isn’t dysfunction, it’s unrealistic expectations of what a wedding is/means/requires. Weddings being a three day affair is simply not the same ask as the service at 4:30, dinner and dancing at 6:30 weddings my parents loved not taking us to as kids.

What type of weddings are you attending? Most I attend are The Wedding itself, cocktails and hor'derves and then the reception with dinner and dancing.
If it is close relatives or we are in the wedding party, then there is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before. That's it. Many people now invite many people to the rehearsal dinner the night before as well (I've been to 3 in the last year for family), but not all. So at most it is a 2 day event, and the day of the wedding we have to ourselves until the 3/4pm wedding.

But what are these 3 day affairs you reference?

Every wedding I’ve been to in the last five years has been a “rehearsal dinner” (no actual rehearsal unless you’re in the wedding party— and if you are add a whole day the day of the rehearsal…) then the wedding itself, then the after party, then a farewell brunch. In one happy case the after party was in the same hotel but usually it hasn’t been.

When I was a kid, I never went to weddings with my parents unless I was in them, and even then there was a room set aside with pizza and movies we weren’t eating wedding food at the tables, we got to go to the dancing and the cake. So I have no belief that kids need to be at weddings. But my parents left the house in the afternoon and be home that same night. If weddings were like that now we’d say yes to a lot more invitations, but people seem afraid to have less than a weekend worth of parties.

Where did you get the idea you had to attend all the events? If local just go to the ceremony and reception.

If they’re local, that’s what we’ve done.

The ones that haven’t been local which have invited our kid, we’ve attended (kids obviously did not attend the after party, which is why we were so happy when there was one in the hotel itself so one parent could go.)

And when they aren’t local and there’s no kid provision, with the exception of the one cousin, we decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^That being said, I would still respect the couple’s wishes. I just have to admit I do find the child-free wedding concept strange and slightly vain. But holding a grudge against such a couple is pretty extreme! Just don’t go!

If you're invited to a wedding outside your culture, why would you expect your kids to be included? It's clearly not family, your kids probably don't even know the couple well. People can spend all day nitpicking a wedding and the various cultural rituals that make sense or don't. But good guests should just go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

America is a huge country and one of the issues that it’s not babysitting “for a few hours”. It’s flying from DC to Texas or California for a weekend to see your college roommate get married etc. We are a much more spread out society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Just to keep this idea grounded in reality, a babysitter for “a few hours” is from 4-12 for a local wedding. That’s eight hours, assume minimum $25/hour you’re looking at $200 just to leave the house. Thats low-tier wedding guest gift all by itself right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Just to keep this idea grounded in reality, a babysitter for “a few hours” is from 4-12 for a local wedding. That’s eight hours, assume minimum $25/hour you’re looking at $200 just to leave the house. Thats low-tier wedding guest gift all by itself right there.

You don't literally have to stay until the end. Just go to the reception, have dinner, stay for a few dances, then go. People seem to be making this much harder than it has to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't affect you if other people have different feelings or responses. You don't need to understand it.

I had kids at my wedding. I've been to weddings with and without my kids. I RSVP according to what works for my family. But I don't care if other people care about this. Not my problem.

+1

OP. You do realize other people can have opinions and emotions that are different than yours?

If you can manage the no kids, great! If you can't, decline to attend. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Just to keep this idea grounded in reality, a babysitter for “a few hours” is from 4-12 for a local wedding. That’s eight hours, assume minimum $25/hour you’re looking at $200 just to leave the house. Thats low-tier wedding guest gift all by itself right there.

Better idea - decline the invite if it's a problem. Then you save the babysitter fees and are not obligated to get a gift. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is insane.

They either can’t separate themselves from children for one night or they’re so broke they can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours.

I have friends who drug their three little kids around even to adult poker nights.

It’s disgraceful.

Just to keep this idea grounded in reality, a babysitter for “a few hours” is from 4-12 for a local wedding. That’s eight hours, assume minimum $25/hour you’re looking at $200 just to leave the house. Thats low-tier wedding guest gift all by itself right there.

Better idea - decline the invite if it's a problem. Then you save the babysitter fees and are not obligated to get a gift. You're welcome.

Yeah no. Dont declare an entire country’s society insane without acknowledging what the issues are around childfree weddings.