Forum Index
»
Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
OP, I totally get where you are in your head (believe me). You do not have to make any decisions right now. One day at a time. It sounds like he’s doing everything right to get back your trust so far, which is huge. If he was digging in or being a jerk, I’d be saying something different. His behavior now is a huge indicator of the potential for working through this to an even stronger “second” marriage with each other. That’s where I am 12 years past our similar issue.
But again, you don’t yet have full information (about his side or how you feel). Take your time. It’s ok to ask him to sleep in the in law suite for a few weeks for example. Five yourself space to think this through. I’ve been thinking about you lots. Been right where you are. |
Anonymous
|
Op here. Prior to my current job I was a post psrtum doula/night nanny for almost 10 years. I could always work that back into my life if need be whether on my nights off from the kids or having someone sleep here while I go work. I can make $300-$350/night. 3 nights per week would be an additional $55k per year minimum.
Thank you for the constant reminder to not make rash decisions. I feel so suffocated like I just want to be settled in a new life, but I know there's many more steps to take first. It's really hard to even rearrange my brain to allow the potential of reconciling. |
Anonymous
| Totally get it. Plan to feel like your brain has been hijacked for a good year at least. No rash decisions. You can take what little information you have and make a new decision each step of the way. You can decide divorce is the right thing two years from now if you wanted to. Actually that’s a good question OP - in your gut, what do you WANT. Like if you could control his mind and the future, what would you make happen? |
Anonymous
That’s common. So is we don’t have sex, etc. Why else would another woman want to be with a guy that said “hey, I love my wife and we have a great family and sex life, but I just want to use you for some variety on the side and to pump up my ego”? They want their cake and to eat it too. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
It's the rabid STI poster lol. Typically the first responder on every one of the cheating threads. |
Anonymous
I didn’t know what I wanted in the shock phase. In shock, I was I can’t look at you, get out. Intense anger…and nobody does this to me, I’m mother f@8ng (insert my name  ). My esteem didn’t take a hit, quite the opposite. I thought what a couple of pathetic immature losers (both married).
My emotions were all over the board for months. Where you end up when shock and time has worn off might be very different than those initial days which is why the advice to give it time and see what he does and how you feel develops. Honesty and loyalty are huge in my book so if you asked me anytime in my life if I would stay, it would have been hell no! Things are very different with emotions, genuine love, kids and a life together. There’s a lot to consider. Anyone who knows me never would think I’d be here and never thought he would do something like this. And there are many people who have gone through what you are going through that you will never know. Be careful who you tell if there is even the slimmest chance you might want to reconcile it also protects your kids from the gossip and catching windfall from someone else. |
Anonymous
| Can you ask him to go stay with his parents for a couple of weeks, just so you can think straight? |
Anonymous
My now Ex also gave the person he cheated with the same line - that he was just with me and the kids out of some kind of duty, when I was clearly under the impression it was love. He said I love you, he proposed, he wanted kids, he wanted to live in DC (which was a compromise for me.), we had frequent sex, etc. When I confronted him, he cried and begged me to stay, agreed to therapy, let me look at his email, etc. But, TBH, he dropped all of that after some time. All my life I thought I would never stay with someone who cheated, but in this instance, I did try to reconcile for the sake of the kids. However, it became obvious after a period of time that he was just talking the talk. Ultimately, I could not get over what he told the other woman about staying with me out of duty. It was impossible to tell - was he telling the truth to her or to me? When I finally kicked him out, I realized he did not even know what truth was and could not even be honest with himself. I don’t need to be someone’s pity relationship. I deserve better than that, and my kids deserve a better example of marriage than that, both my girl and boy. One day when they were in a bad relationship, I wanted to be able to counsel them to value themselves enough to get out. And the only way I could do that would be if I followed the same advice that I would give one of them. |
Anonymous
Just be careful not to assume that people that stay don’t value themselves or are weak. Or that all men are like your ex. Some people who have cheated don’t give it up over time and actually are still walking the talk a decade later. I’m very sorry you experienced that and it sounds like you are a strong person and good role model, and so are some spouses that stay. |
Anonymous
| As a number of people noted, the question will be what HE does to figure Out how to take care of you through this trauma and to really get to the bottom of what made him willing to blow up his life and inflict pain on you and the kids. What is it? For some men, it is not feeling as good as they would like at work and this gives them validation in their “maleness.” Was there a history of cheating in his family? What about his secretiveness and conflict avoidance in general? |
Anonymous
| Ooof. Telling the OW that you're "just coparenting" makes it harder for me to understand. it's an additional layer of deceit. One single episode of actual sex followed by sexting isn't an automatic deal breaker in my books, but I think talking badly about me behind my back would be. The problem with giving advice on an internet forum is that it's all theoretical, we are all spectators, and only OP is the one living through this. So, OP, ultimately, don't listen to us. Listen to your innermost voice. |
Anonymous
| OP, I just wanted to send you hugs. You didn’t deserve this. |
Anonymous
I didn't actually see anywhere where he said that but she made several comments alluding to that and his responses were very clearly changing the subject each time/not acknowledging it or correcting it. But yeah, agree. |
Anonymous
This is the most common BS married people say when they want to get laid outside the marriage, or that they aren’t having sex but otherwise happy. What a cheater says to get someone to rake their pants off really isn’t the issue. They are all lying to get laid. Duh. |