Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

Agree. And the future. How do you want retirement, potential grandkids, holidays, etc.? Who do you want to spend retirement with? If you are best friends and he’s done the work, do you want to start over with someone new and deal with blended families?

Again, only for the redeemable ones doing the work and committed. Not the snakes that are awful at home or egregious serial cheaters. 60% will have infidelity in a 50-year marriage at some point. It can be worked through.

I hope that when I'm older, my husband isn't the only person I spend my retirement with. I want friends, I want a real community. I feel bad for people who depend on their spouses for company when they are older, especially since they often have nobody left after they die. But yes, there are a lot of reasons to work through infidelity. I just personally don't think I could do it, not in OP's case.

Okay, Miss Literal, it doesn’t mean they won’t spend time with friends and others too. Geesh

This isn't because I'm being literal. It's because there is a documented phenomenon of women who are extremely devoted to their spouses (which can be a good thing!) being less happy in retirement because they have less of a community and spend a lot of time taking care of spouses. I don't mean to make too big of a deal about this--I don't think that it should be OP's primary consideration--but statistically speaking married women who are retired are not happier.

[Anonymous]

I definitely can't tell you what this will look like logistically, but I think you're in a good position. You might be in a better position (financially, that is) if you wait until your husband's salary increases as expected. But on the other hand, I think you will find a way to be comfortable now, and staying half-heartedly in a marriage just to get a higher alimony isn't great for anyone's mental health. Plus your kids are young now and will adjust quickly.

Like the PP, I suspect that your brain is just scrambling to make sure that you'll be OK. And that's totally normal. I whole-heartedly believe you will be OK whatever you decide. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders. I know it feels like flying blind without knowing what the day to day of divorce would be, but you have all the relevant appointments lined up, or you will soon.

Just remember, you don't need to decide anything today. This spurt of energy may pass and you find that you just want to cocoon.

[Anonymous]

He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would start squirreling away $ in a separate fund, even if it is like $10 a paycheck. It sounds like finances would be really tight if you divorce. To be clear, I am not saying you should divorce (have not been in your shoes), but I think it would make you feel in some version of control.

I am so sorry you are going through this! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

What was he lying about to her? Did she think he was single or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

My husband did the same, also saying tell anyone I needed to, etc. All of that he has done are very good signs. I got every single detail, question answered. Be careful though, sometimes those are things you will get fixated on much later that aren’t important.

It’s great to know your financial situation, figure out logistics if you decide to go that route. It also shows him that you aren’t playing. This was serious.

I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

What was he lying about to her? Did she think he was single or something?

Basically all of our day to day life. She was under the assumption that we were just coparenting for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

What was he lying about to her? Did she think he was single or something?

Basically all of our day to day life. She was under the assumption that we were just coparenting for the kids.

Ah. Of course.

[Anonymous]

And thank you so much for all of the thoughtful responses. This thread has been my lifeline.

[Anonymous]

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My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

DP - getting married young is associated with increased risk for divorce, so there’s that.

Why is it hard to believe that people who married very young wonder who else is out there, or what other life they might have had? They don’t have the experience of being a single adult, which means total freedom. That’s a great experience to have.

Also, this thread sounds a lot like the doctor from a few weeks back who also married young and had a seemingly idyllic life with her best friend until she discovered an affair.

26 is young, but is it “very young?” Like, ok, dating the person you met at 18 does seem sort of limited but there are so many marriages where it is fine. It was the norm in my mothers cultural age group with successful, educated people, and for the most part it worked out. People in their late 20s are not infants, they’ve had enough experience as adults to make these decisions.

26 is very young

[Anonymous]

At a minimum, OP, he needs to find a therapist for himself, so he can figure out why he was able to lie not only to his spouse, but to this other woman for three YEARS. That’s so much deception to sustain for so long.

[Anonymous]

OP, now that things have settled a tiny bit, please look at survivinginfidelity.com. There are many people there who have been in your shoes and who offer great advice. There is a whole thread detailing exactly what your DH needs to do to regain trust and help you heal from this. You will see a couple of books recommended, including "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." This is something it would be really helpful for both of you to read, and it should be your DH's guide and bible. Your DH also needs therapy to figure out why he made the decisions he did, how to establish and enforce better boundaries, etc. Conventional wisdom is that you should not have marriage counseling until your DH is in therapy and addressing his own issues - the marriage did not cheat, your DH did.

I agree with posters encouraging you not to make a decision for some period of time - I would say at least six months. That doesn't mean you can't explore your options and meet with lawyers, etc. so that you know what to expect in case of divorce. That is a process, and while you are doing that it gives your DH time to show sustained action to fix this and himself. It sounds like he at least on his way to true remorse, and not just regretful that he was caught. That's a good start. Your marriage 2.0 (after the affair) can be stronger (many are), but DH needs to do all of the heavy lifting. Of course, you may eventually decide that this is just a deal-breaker. Just give yourself time and get your ducks in a row before making any major decisions. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's done everything "right" for the situation.

Immediately cut contact after sending a very detailed message to her about how he was lying about everything to her and was blocking her on all platforms. Gave me full access to everything- phone, computer, emails, credit cards, social media, apps like venmo, his banking app, etc. I haven't found a single other thing. Has gave me all the space and has been taking full care of the kids (who have been up at 2am the last two days because of the time difference). He packed us all up, handled the kids on the airport and flight, unpacked us, did all the laundry. We sat and cried for several hours last night. He's accepting full blame and answering every question I have. His phone has been on the kitchen counter and he hasn't touched it. Said he feels immense relief being able to talk to me. He's encouraging me to tell anyone I need to for support. I am having so many effed up feelings- last night I wanted to hug him so badly but didn't. I want to kill him and also hold him.

What was he lying about to her? Did she think he was single or something?

Basically all of our day to day life. She was under the assumption that we were just coparenting for the kids.

Perhaps your husband thinks that you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, now that things have settled a tiny bit, please look at survivinginfidelity.com. There are many people there who have been in your shoes and who offer great advice. There is a whole thread detailing exactly what your DH needs to do to regain trust and help you heal from this. You will see a couple of books recommended, including "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." This is something it would be really helpful for both of you to read, and it should be your DH's guide and bible. Your DH also needs therapy to figure out why he made the decisions he did, how to establish and enforce better boundaries, etc. Conventional wisdom is that you should not have marriage counseling until your DH is in therapy and addressing his own issues - the marriage did not cheat, your DH did.

I agree with posters encouraging you not to make a decision for some period of time - I would say at least six months. That doesn't mean you can't explore your options and meet with lawyers, etc. so that you know what to expect in case of divorce. That is a process, and while you are doing that it gives your DH time to show sustained action to fix this and himself. It sounds like he at least on his way to true remorse, and not just regretful that he was caught. That's a good start. Your marriage 2.0 (after the affair) can be stronger (many are), but DH needs to do all of the heavy lifting. Of course, you may eventually decide that this is just a deal-breaker. Just give yourself time and get your ducks in a row before making any major decisions. Good luck.

I recommend chumplady.com over surviving infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm very much leaning towards leaving. I've reached out to a ton of lawyers and couples therapists so hopefully I hear back from some in the coming days. I also asked my therapist for her earliest appointment.

I just signed up for a support group through a local non profit called "should I stay or go" that provides group support and individual resources for 4 weeks.

I do have to consider finances carefully as we literally just strategically 2x our HHI in 2022 with DH accepting a new job and me keeping a flexible job (but working very hard for max commission) to balance the kids schedules.

Anyone want to weigh in:
My half of our savings: $55k
My half of the house equity: $40-50k
My base salary: $80k (made $102k in 2022 with commission)
DHs salary: 165k, will likely rapidly increase in the next 5-10 years
Debt: $6k left on my car, $8k left on my student loans (approved for forgiveness if that happens). No other debt besides outstanding mortgage.

Considerations:
Childcare: $1800/mo for the next 1.5 years then $900/mon for 2 more years after that til both kids are in public school.
House: 5bd/2ba on a half acre lot there's no way I could or would want to maintain it alone. We bought very young (yes, a theme of ours) so our PITI is only $2700. Interest rate 3.0%. Great piblic school district. Haven't made many neighborhood friends, would likely be very lonely here with the kids alone.
-we have an in law suite (bedroom, full bath, kitchen with fridge/ 4 burner stove/ample cabinets but no oven, living room). We could possibly add a door to section that off and have dh live in there but that may kill me mentally. May be less hard on the kids? May be a temp plan?
-I have no local safety net as in my parents live in a tiny condo and my siblings are all 20 somethings living with friends. No where to stay should the entire floor drop out on me. Parents don't have money. No windfalls expected.
- I have zero benefits at work. I'm on DHs insurance. I have my job because it's WFH 8-4, high flexibility to be able to cover kids appts or sick days without issue. Can ocassionally squeak by working 6ish hours per day and not falling behind when needed. Commission will likely increase this year as I spent 2022 building solid clients. Full autonomy to make my schedule/duck out during the day and work in the evening if needed. Will always be WFH.
-Don't really have any options for a new job at same pay level. My job was basically built for me and is very specific/niche to my skill set. It was like a needle in a haystack connection where this company needed me and I'm paid over 2x similar roles.

How does my situation look? My brain is mush.

OP - breathe. You don’t have to decide today or tomorrow or next week. You’re doing all the right things in contacting attorneys and your therapist.

A few thoughts:

-You DO have a safety net in that your parents are healthy, local, and helpful. Do not discount that when it comes to childcare. For example, could your parents assist with childcare so that you could do a co-op preschool or something like that? That would bring childcare costs way, way down
-Find out what kind of child support is most likely from the attorneys
-Get creative about your own work situation. Not now, but try to network your way into a higher-paying job. It sounds like you’re working too much for too little (no benefits, etc.). There are lots of WFH options out there

Hugs.

Seems like money will be very tight on her salary+child support (which I do not believe would exceed $2000/month given his income). She's better of waiting until he starts making close to 300K (6-7K child support).

OP - stay put with him, if you don't want to be poor. Try to secure a job that makes 150K or more, otherwise you're at poverty level. Interest rates are very high if you don't retain the current residence (which has 3% interest) both of you would be paying twice as much mortgage or rent for twice smaller places.

Except one financial scenario which could be a doable way out for you now: YOU RETAIN THE HOUSE AT SAME % AND RENT OUT BASEMENT

Would he be willing to let you keep the house without refinancing? Can you trade his equity in the house with him to his pension or some other asset? You can then keep the house and rent out the basement, which would be generating extra income for you in addition to child support. You will be at 150K income very stable for starters financially.