How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

I mean, yes. You are exactly right. She is ripping her own dd apart for what? 17-year dd fibbed and she is disappointed in her own child? For not being super nice to her stepsisters? For not being understanding how in the same family kids get to go wherever and she is an ungrateful brat, according to op, for not taking loans for local in-state school? OP is a selfish douche who put her own needs before the needs of her child. She is blaming the victim! Who is her own child! Appalling lack of any motherly affection, care, or understanding.

m

NP. I actually do think it’s entitled and bratty to have such a bad attitude about attending an in state school.

I’m surprised so many posters are overlooking this. Mom messed up by not considering the financial implications of marrying and signing a prenup.

But DD should be grateful if they pay for her to go to UMD.

Getting in to a rinky dink SLAC is difficult. Does OPs daughter have some major hooks? Plus the tough Classes, grades, scores, ECs to pass a first glance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your complete lack of awareness as to how you have screwed your kid over is astonishing.

Actually, I think OP knows but doesn’t care.

You mean she should have thought ahead and strategically delayed any marriages in order to have her daughter apply from a lower income family?

People do that? Or get divorced to ramp up aid and welfare? Nice!

Most people who get married after they have children, choose people who will care for their child and treat them like family.

But yes, if you want to marry someone who isn't going to care for your children, you should wait until your children are launched.

Many of us saved for 10-20 years per child for college. Same for retirement. Second marriages where one is supposedly wealthy- this hasn’t been defined by OP- have a built in prenup, as assets at time of marriage are clear and separate in any future divorce.

The mom has the money she doesn’t need his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I am the step dad, I am not going to give less money to my kids so I can afford to give some to step kids. OP's daughter has 2 parents who should have been saving for college. I would be furious if my ex gave money to step kids when that could go to our kids.

I do think OP should take a loan and pay. She sounds horrible.

Sounds all dandy except not when it's kids living in same house most of their lives that they can remember, with parent and step parent. You don't get it. Plus, stepdad might have ruined chances of 6 figures of financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Why are people commenting without reading the topic? THEY ARE NOT PAYING FOR HER TO GO TO UMD. OP wants to give her FF 30k total and that’s it. her advice to her daughter is to use toward UMD vs. expensive private. OP seems clueless about college tuitions and aid and does not realize that her daughter cannot borrow enough money for UMD either. she is patting herself on the back for saving 30k without realizing that her marriage prevented her daughter from getting financial aid many times that amount. OP is completely self-centered person who never cared enough to learn rules of the game and is solely focused on being in good graces with her me husband. she is the gold digger (she said she left one husband for not making enough - a man clearly good enormously by for somebody else more capable than OP), not people commenting on her selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The financial aid system is not fair. I had friends that had parents that were totally unwilling to pay for college. Step parents should not be responsible for their spouses children. The guy is already providing her basic necessities like food and shelter. That is beyond generous. College is a t a necessity. Sounds like she needs to go to community college or take loans and move on

Op, you should have thought of this before you married. You are irresponsible. I hope your daughter does well inspire of you.

Providing food and shelter is beyond generous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Some of these responses trashing OP sound privileged AF.

OP has no obligation to pay for her daughter's college, let alone an expensive one. I understand it looks unfair because the step siblings are going where they want to, but that's life. If OP had come on here saying she asked her husband to pay for her daughter's college, he refused and now she's resentful, there would be SO many responses saying OP's husband isn't the dad and has no responsibility, blah, blah, blah. Get real.

OP, I grew up poor with five other siblings and parents didn't have anything saved for college. I applaud you for having $30k saved. I was working 25+ hours in high-school from the time I was 16, then full-time while in college. I went to a commuter school, had some loans, and had to pay them off. Such is life. Can't always get what you want.

I grew up in similar circumstances but want my children to have better. Don’t you? Especially if the money is there and the kid CAN’t get loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The financial aid system is not fair. I had friends that had parents that were totally unwilling to pay for college. Step parents should not be responsible for their spouses children. The guy is already providing her basic necessities like food and shelter. That is beyond generous. College is a t a necessity. Sounds like she needs to go to community college or take loans and move on

Op, you should have thought of this before you married. You are irresponsible. I hope your daughter does well inspire of you.

Providing food and shelter is beyond generous?

Right?! What’s the alternative, letting a child who lives with you starve and suffer from exposure to the elements? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I’m 19:04. If Op is only willing to give her dd $30,000 and nothing more, then her dd would be better off going to Montgomery College for 2 years (or longer) and working to save money (assuming op and stepdad will continue to let her live at home since op made the point that she could live there during breaks and summer - isn’t that a given?). This would give dd the ability to get her gen ed credits out of the way and save money so that she could transfer to a 4 year school. It doesn’t sound like op will take out any parent plus loans nor will she ask her husband to loan the money to dd at a low or no interest rate (as someone else suggested). I’m not even sure if dd could take out all of the loans she would need without op co-signing and based on her attitude, I doubt she would do that. Dd likely knows all this (and op doesn’t). Dd knows there is no way she can go away to college with $30,000 so that’s why she is miserable bc op doesn’t understand. That was a lot of money when we parents were in college but it barely cracks a dent now sad to say at a school like UMD. There is nothing wrong with Montgomery College - but she wants to get away from you and her stepdad. It’s clear you both don’t want her around. Try to help her make that happen instead of treating her like a pariah in her own house. Explain why she is so upset to her stepsisters and her stepdad so maybe they will have a little empathy for her.

[Anonymous]

To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Some of these responses trashing OP sound privileged AF.

OP has no obligation to pay for her daughter's college, let alone an expensive one. I understand it looks unfair because the step siblings are going where they want to, but that's life. If OP had come on here saying she asked her husband to pay for her daughter's college, he refused and now she's resentful, there would be SO many responses saying OP's husband isn't the dad and has no responsibility, blah, blah, blah. Get real.

OP, I grew up poor with five other siblings and parents didn't have anything saved for college. I applaud you for having $30k saved. I was working 25+ hours in high-school from the time I was 16, then full-time while in college. I went to a commuter school, had some loans, and had to pay them off. Such is life. Can't always get what you want.

This is a good point. I wonder if there are similar resentments between biological siblings if the oldest sibling received little or no help, but younger siblings benefit from mom and dad having regular increases in salaries and being able to contribute more to younger siblings college costs (assuming there is a significant age gap)

No. I love that my youngest brother had stuff I didn't have because my parents were better equipped at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

at least bio-dad is not here complaining about the ungrateful brat that his daughter is for not appreciating the privilage of "happenstance of knowing these people".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

And if OP's post indicated that she was at all sorry that she put her DD in this situation, there might be less piling on. But basically, she screwed her DD to benefit herself, and wants her DD to shut the heck up about it. The way that DD is being treated in this family is terrible and she has every right to be p*ssed. I understand that OP is concerned that her DD is going to wreck her relationships with these people but it is not at all clear to me why DD should care about that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all of the people piling on OP about not thinking about researching college financial aid years in advance, I’m guessing that OP and her exDH may not have gone to college and didn’t realize how many years of saving and how tangled the financial aid process is. Should OP try to take a more active role in helping her DD find money for school? Of course, but it’s just as much the bio dad’s fault that OP’s daughter is in this predicament. He should not get off scot free here.

And if OP's post indicated that she was at all sorry that she put her DD in this situation, there might be less piling on. But basically, she screwed her DD to benefit herself, and wants her DD to shut the heck up about it. The way that DD is being treated in this family is terrible and she has every right to be p*ssed. I understand that OP is concerned that her DD is going to wreck her relationships with these people but it is not at all clear to me why DD should care about that at all.

Well since it’s just happenstance that they even know them no big loss if the relationship is wrecked

[Anonymous]

Yeah I am purposefully not getting married because my net worth will hurt my boyfriend's kids - all will be going into college in the next 5 years.

OP - You have put your dd in a very bad situation, not just financially but also for accusing her of things and getting involved in her remarks to her stepsisters.