Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

[Anonymous]

This sounds awful.

My parents live in a small modest house in America. Even going there to spend a few days is very uncomfortable for our family of five. Dh does everything in his power not to go. I take the kids 2-3x per year. DH goes like once per year, usually around the holidays. He looks forward to the week in summer when I take the kids to visit my parents.

My parents immigrated from a developed country but my grandmother lived on a farm. My dad grew up on this farm when he was a kid. When I was a kid, I stayed at this farm for 2 nights and the house did not have a bathroom with warm water and there was at outhouse. I stayed there once over thirty years ago and I clearly remember not drinking anything because I didn’t want to use the bathroom. I also didn’t shower when I was there.

Decades later, I visited with my husband and we stayed in a hotel. A few years ago, I went with my children and we also stayed at a hotel.

I would not stay in this type of situation or go for very limited time. Let your Dh stay longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

What would be different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

Also it’s highly unlikely the DH would agree to go for an entire month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

Also it’s highly unlikely the DH would agree to go for an entire month.

Also, as a male, he can freely go outside and walk around if he gets cabin fever

[Anonymous]

Completely disagree with everyone telling OP to “just get a map” and wander around alone. Do you all really think that’s the issue? She’s been before, and her instincts have continued to tell her to be careful, and she’s totally right. When you’re dealing with a different culture than the one you’re used to spending 90% of your time in, you can’t assume you have the proper situational awareness to understand how sketchy of a situation you might be about to walk into, because the markers we look for (movements, facial expressions, intonations) are simply DIFFERENT. Similarly, depending on where you are in the world, you don’t know what you are signaling with your mannerisms or the way you interact with others on the street. If you’re really well-traveled as a woman, sometimes alone, then you know this. You can figure out how to adapt quickly, but you also know when you are out of your depth. And if OP is not so well-traveled, then, well, she should continue to listen to her instincts until things can start to look familiar or recognizable to her.
- non-American

[Anonymous]

I think the post is titled in a misleading way. It should be a vent about spending a month with your inlaws in semi-developed area and not having the ability to get out and do things for yourself.

Sorry OP, for the future I would both limit the time spent and bring more things with you and encourage DH to invite /pay for his parents to travel to US if they can. In the meantime, can you spend a few days in a hotel for some much needed creature comfort and maybe some tourism assistance to do things in the area that you want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these rural hardships but it seems like you have great internet!

That has more to do with the values of the family and if the society. There are many places in the world where people prioritize having a mobile phone over things that most of us in the US would consider absolute necessities before a phone. Also far-flung places manage essential services like banking and whatnot via the internet bc the infrastructure isn’t there. But cute try at snark!

[Anonymous]

OP you have a DH problem more than a Bangladesh problem. Bangladeshi living is what it is, but you chose to marry a South Asian man and don't seem to want to admit that this is how they are. Cue all the DWs who are now gonna scream their DH would NEVER act like this blah blah, but as a member of this community, yeah the MAJORITY act like your DH.

They're super happy to come to the US for higher education, high paying jobs, and like the freedom of life in the US - dating, sex before marriage, picking out a white chick to marry. And once they marry they white chick, they are even ok living in a relatively egalitarian household bc that's what they see others around them doing + they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

And then when they go back home for 2 weeks or a month, it ALL reverts back to how it is back home and if that screws their wife/kids, that's 100% fine because they are sooooo much more concerned about what mommy/sisters think and are like - whatever my wife/kids will deal, I'll make it up to my wife when we're back in the US by buying her something nice.

At the end of the day, they don't want mommy/sisters to raise an eyebrow on ANYTHING or be displeased or questioning in ANY way. So if they've lived without a space heater for 50 years, fine, wife/kids can just deal with 50 degree temps even if they're not used to it bc in the US the heat kicks on in 50 degree nights. If mommy/sister think going out on the town and exploring and shopping is a waste of time because they ONLY have one month with their precious son/brother and just want to loving stare at him all day rather have him go out with his wife/kids for 3 hours a day - that's it, no one goes out.

Mind you this happens EVEN if the ILs are normal - as yours seem to be. Many ILs may not have a space heater bc they don't need it but if DH said - hey I'm buying one bc the wife/kids are constantly cold - they wouldn't say no or even judge; hell they may also end up liking the concept. Same with going out - they may not have any problem with you all going out every day for a few hours. Hell they may even enjoy it if you hire a private car, take everyone out shopping and treat them to a few things and they grab some pizza or Bangladeshi sweets or something on the way home. It may be a chance for them to expereince something in their own city they don't normally do.

But ultimately this is a culture that doesn't communicate well and works via guilt. DS feels soooo guilty that he's moved away from aging mom and soooo guilty that he isn't making the type of $ in the US that he can send them back 50k/yr to live the rich rich life in Bangladesh bc he has a mortgage to pay and kids to send to college. So instead these DSs then just dance around their parents bc they are soooo terrified of their parents being the slightest bit disapproving or even mystified.

It's super manly to put your mommy/sisters over your own wife and minor kids, but I've def seen this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

From what I've seen, American wives and husbands are treated like royalties in South Asia though my observations are limited to upper middle class and wealthy families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

Also it’s highly unlikely the DH would agree to go for an entire month.

Also, as a male, he can freely go outside and walk around if he gets cabin fever

No. They'll still be worried about his safety and getting robbed. Also still worried about him getting sick by eating food from places of questionable hygiene.

[Anonymous]

And ig wife is frugal or worried about people's opinions or looking wealthy, still no chance of getting to spend for comfort, fun or luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

From what I've seen, American wives and husbands are treated like royalties in South Asia though my observations are limited to upper middle class and wealthy families.

Which OP’s husband is definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

Lol, happens ALL THE TIME. Like ALL the time.