Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

BTW OP - STOP insisting on eating in restaurants. Your MIL/SIL are right - there is a way higher chance of running into problems eating in restaurants - even upscale ones - than eating rice, daal, parathas at home. You won't even try their homemade rice, daal, and parathas at home, yet you think a restaurant is somehow safer? Restaurants in that part of the world have way different standards than what you'd see in the US. It is VERY common advise when traveling to India that relatives there will tell you not to eat out - and certainly not eat local cuisine at local restaurants.

If you MUST eat in restaurants, I'd legit stick to Dominos type places; factory made pizza, somewhat of an international standard, and they really aren't doing anything besides taking factory made dough out of a box and sticking it in an oven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a DH problem more than a Bangladesh problem. Bangladeshi living is what it is, but you chose to marry a South Asian man and don't seem to want to admit that this is how they are. Cue all the DWs who are now gonna scream their DH would NEVER act like this blah blah, but as a member of this community, yeah the MAJORITY act like your DH.

They're super happy to come to the US for higher education, high paying jobs, and like the freedom of life in the US - dating, sex before marriage, picking out a white chick to marry. And once they marry they white chick, they are even ok living in a relatively egalitarian household bc that's what they see others around them doing + they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

And then when they go back home for 2 weeks or a month, it ALL reverts back to how it is back home and if that screws their wife/kids, that's 100% fine because they are sooooo much more concerned about what mommy/sisters think and are like - whatever my wife/kids will deal, I'll make it up to my wife when we're back in the US by buying her something nice.

At the end of the day, they don't want mommy/sisters to raise an eyebrow on ANYTHING or be displeased or questioning in ANY way. So if they've lived without a space heater for 50 years, fine, wife/kids can just deal with 50 degree temps even if they're not used to it bc in the US the heat kicks on in 50 degree nights. If mommy/sister think going out on the town and exploring and shopping is a waste of time because they ONLY have one month with their precious son/brother and just want to loving stare at him all day rather have him go out with his wife/kids for 3 hours a day - that's it, no one goes out.

Mind you this happens EVEN if the ILs are normal - as yours seem to be. Many ILs may not have a space heater bc they don't need it but if DH said - hey I'm buying one bc the wife/kids are constantly cold - they wouldn't say no or even judge; hell they may also end up liking the concept. Same with going out - they may not have any problem with you all going out every day for a few hours. Hell they may even enjoy it if you hire a private car, take everyone out shopping and treat them to a few things and they grab some pizza or Bangladeshi sweets or something on the way home. It may be a chance for them to expereince something in their own city they don't normally do.

But ultimately this is a culture that doesn't communicate well and works via guilt. DS feels soooo guilty that he's moved away from aging mom and soooo guilty that he isn't making the type of $ in the US that he can send them back 50k/yr to live the rich rich life in Bangladesh bc he has a mortgage to pay and kids to send to college. So instead these DSs then just dance around their parents bc they are soooo terrified of their parents being the slightest bit disapproving or even mystified.

It's super manly to put your mommy/sisters over your own wife and minor kids, but I've def seen this happen.

Thank you; you articulated this much better than I could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

From what I've seen, American wives and husbands are treated like royalties in South Asia though my observations are limited to upper middle class and wealthy families.

Are there any non-white Americans included in your observations? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is in a city of 2 million people. Hardly a village.

Ok, not many hotels but here's one for $27/night with... a hot shower:
https://www.booking.com/hotel/bd/raffles-inn.html#tab-main

You don't even have to sleep there. Just take it for a few nights and go to shower if you like.

Worried about walking on the streets? Take an Uber: https://www.uber.com/en-BD/newsroom/uber-expands-services-to-20-cities-across-all-8-divisions-in-bangladesh/

Though the streets look pretty normal to me for that region:
https://www.google.com/maps/@23.6073123,89.841811,3a,75y,81.59h,84.31t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sB4HMB2-_ueY_z1nFnSck9g!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?entry=ttu

English is taught in all schools there -- it's compulsory. Sure few are fluent, but English is hardly a "foreign" language there. You can peruse one of the 10 English language newspapers next time you're at a newsstand.

Op here. I doubt it is warm water showers like we are used to in the US. They use a water boiler in the bathroom but there isn't a way to combine both hot and cold water so it will come out of the shower head. His family told me they had a hot water shower before this visit but once I arrived I realized it's not what we are used to in the US. If I suggested going to a hotel my dh would balk or think his family would get offended. His family may own that hotel. I can check. One of his uncles owns a hotel around here.

Uber isn't in this city. The streets are usually more congested than that. There are also huge buses like mega bus types that go down those roads. I don't feel safe walking down those sidewalks.
The only thing we would be able to do is going to a corner shop and buy small items so it's not very exciting. My kids are having a good time as a side note. One of our kids is getting an x-ray today for his asthma and in the US the bill would be so much higher. There are definitely pros to visiting. I am going to take my sister in laws out shopping later to Aarong. It's a famous department store here.. Very high end clothing. I told them dh was treating them to a new dress. He balked at first but I insisted.

I’ve been scrolling through the Aarong website for like 20min. The textiles are gorgeous!

[Anonymous]

I've lived in 3rd world countries and enjoyed it. When I returned to the US I was excited to have a hot shower and eat American food but honestly, it wasn't that hard to live like people who live their whole lives there for months (and in one case over a year) at a time). Be adaptable! Join in life the way people in that country are living it. That said, it would annoy me if my husband weren't helping me to adjust. You need to make sure you're both on the same page. Hopefully he can be open with you about his concerns with his family and their perception of your wealth. It sounds like he's balancing a lot of people's demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

[Anonymous]

I once went to China decades ago and stayed in a hostel type hotel. I was in grad school back then. This was before smart phones and we relied on books and maps. I remember having to take a cold shower and was shocked there was no hot water. This was outside a city.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. OP says it's a second trip, but she is unprepared? Even if it's first trip, in all the years of marriage it never came up that he grew up without running hot water and food insecure?

All of it is about your DH, not the family, the culture or the country. If you and kids being comfortable was important to him, he would do things differently. But it's not. Something to talk about in family therapy once you're back in the US.

Sorry about showers and food. Insist to him, but in private. Put him on the spot and clearly state what you need: more food, space heater, taxi to X place, whatever. If you put up with things it will still be clear that you're not liking it, so the fam will judge you anyway - might as well improve what you can. They will never think you're great, so it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be breaking down op. Some posters are calling you spoiled but I think you are very strong. I still remember a time we lost hot water for a few days and feel stressed. It was horrible! And that is with the luxury of clean dry towels. To me a warm shower is as important to my functioning as good food and water. I would be feeling bad all over and you deserve a medal for lasting so long and keeping your complaints to strangers online. Of course they can handle this life because this is how they're raised. If we were raised differently we'd be able to handle those things. I'm sure some people cannot fathom how we Americans do many things others find uncomfortable. I think I'd have lost half my hair and fallen ill. The worst part of this is being across the world in another culture but only experiencing it from confined quarters and one family versus touring around and seeing all the culture. At least that way you'd have a reason to justify the hard living. No fun, no hot water, no change of food, no walks, no change of setting

I agree with all of this!

Also the kitchen looks clean and cared for, but there would definitely be a curve for me to learn to cook in it, and I’d definitely be uncomfortable at first. Also I’d be afraid of knocking everything over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

You cannot be this dumb. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine if gender roles were reversed and it was an American DH not wanting to go to wife's home country and demanding American comforts.

I imagine if the genders were reversed as you state, the husband would not be expected to cook for the family, entertain the children, etc. As the male going to one of these countries, he would be treated quite well and not expected to contribute much

Imagine if there was some sort of world-wide network of information that OP could have used to do research before she got married to find out what she was in for as the bride of a Bengali?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

My Indian mom does still do the shopping which my dad never does but my dad always cooked at home

I’ve heard North Indian homes are more patriarchal.

In the south, there is more division of labor from what I’ve observed.