Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't visit my husband's family until 5 years after we married in the US. They came here for the wedding. It was a cultural shock that my husband didn't prepare me for AT ALL. We arrived, and I had no idea I wouldn't have access to running shower water that's warm/ hot. I had to take bucket showers by combining boiled water with cold water. We stayed for a month so it's a huge pain. Hygiene is relaxed....... I rarely see anyone washing their hands with soap.. they use water... I can't prepare my own food here because it's way more complicated. There aren't washers and dryers, and kids get their clothes dirty frequently. DH also made a big deal about only taking TWO luggage for 4 people. I can't go anywhere alone because I don't speak the language and it would be very easy to get lost and not know how to find his family's house. They don't have AC or heaters, and we visit in the winter... there are openings in the door and windows to let in fresh air so it's always cold in the winter... feels like I am semi- camping... this is mainly a vent post... i probably sound like a snob, but it's so hard living like this for a month... dh is also annoying because he doesn't like going out when we are here due to traffic, but we are bored and HUNGRY.. eating boxed food i.e. noddles, pancakes get old after a week... the closest grocery store that has ready food i.e. chicken nuggets and stuff like that is 3 hours away.. I told DH I wanted to go to this store (similar to a western supermarket) when we were coming from the airport, and he kept saying they have grocery stores closer to his house... guess what? We went, and they don't have anything our kids will eat. I already knew this would happen because this isn't our first trip. I don't want to come across as entitled, but we are from a totally different background and need to feel comfortable and have food options.. it feels like he's going out of his way to not make us feel comfortable .... he's also making it a big deal we want to go out for clothes shopping. he's such a PITA

TROLL FAIL.

You start out with you were shocked and unprepared. You end with, you already knew stuff because it’s not your first trip.


Back to the drawing board troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so terrible for the child with asthma who is suffering through all this. They will remember it as an adult.

I've been surprised at how few people picked up on the fact OP said their child with asthma is having problems there, and that OP herself was hospitalized back here for over a week after a previous visit. I would be constantly concerned that my asthmatic child would need medical care while there, and I would not be trusting of medical care in an underdeveloped country except maybe in a major city.

Right? I was an asthmatic child and I have vivid memories of the asthma attacks I suffered and hospital visits when I was on vacation staying with family. My mom said over and over that I wouldn’t be able to handle the environment but my dad insisted we go.

That homeland guilt with the Dads, strikes again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s review:
-husband said she has to go or he’ll divorce her
-husband shows little concern for caring for asthmatic child
-husband shows little concern for daily comfort of wife and children
-husband shows little interest in doing what wife wants to do on trip

OP, now that you see who your husband really is, what will you be doing when you get back home? The next time there’s a trip?

Also, does anyone remember the book/movie Not Without My Daughter? OP’s situation reminds me of that husband (minus the actual hostage/kidnapping situation ).

Question about men in Bangladesh generally:

- do they tend to be more misogynistic and less feminist than men raised in the West?

Isn’t Bangladesh like, 90% Muslim?

Yes but they are more chill than most Muslims or South Asians for that matter, and they highly value education and intelligence. It sounds like the husband is a PhD or MD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a fun travel thread for the diverse Wash DC area, multilateral bank folks to opine on.

Well done Op. I think it’s a fake original post but people can’t stop posting their fun stories, hilarious!

OP has posted before I’m sure- she had at least one in the travel forum.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/751488.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s review:
-husband said she has to go or he’ll divorce her
-husband shows little concern for caring for asthmatic child
-husband shows little concern for daily comfort of wife and children
-husband shows little interest in doing what wife wants to do on trip

OP, now that you see who your husband really is, what will you be doing when you get back home? The next time there’s a trip?

Also, does anyone remember the book/movie Not Without My Daughter? OP’s situation reminds me of that husband (minus the actual hostage/kidnapping situation ).

Question about men in Bangladesh generally:

- do they tend to be more misogynistic and less feminist than men raised in the West?

Isn’t Bangladesh like, 90% Muslim?

Yes but they are more chill than most Muslims or South Asians for that matter, and they highly value education and intelligence. It sounds like the husband is a PhD or MD.

He's a pharmaceutical scientist. We married right before he started his Ph.D. He completed a bachelor's and master's in Dhaka Bangladesh. People ask me all the time if he married me for a green card. It's so rude. He's highly educated and would never have trouble securing employment here. There aren't too many Ph.D. statisticians who are unemployed.
The reality is he had way more earning potential when we married so if anyone was using the other it was me. He had several jobs offers before he finished his phd with all the big pharm companies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is in a city of 2 million people. Hardly a village.

Ok, not many hotels but here's one for $27/night with... a hot shower:
https://www.booking.com/hotel/bd/raffles-inn.html#tab-main

You don't even have to sleep there. Just take it for a few nights and go to shower if you like.

Worried about walking on the streets? Take an Uber: https://www.uber.com/en-BD/newsroom/uber-expands-services-to-20-cities-across-all-8-divisions-in-bangladesh/

Though the streets look pretty normal to me for that region:
https://www.google.com/maps/@23.6073123,89.841811,3a,75y,81.59h,84.31t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sB4HMB2-_ueY_z1nFnSck9g!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?entry=ttu

English is taught in all schools there -- it's compulsory. Sure few are fluent, but English is hardly a "foreign" language there. You can peruse one of the 10 English language newspapers next time you're at a newsstand.

Op here. I doubt it is warm water showers like we are used to in the US. They use a water boiler in the bathroom but there isn't a way to combine both hot and cold water so it will come out of the shower head. His family told me they had a hot water shower before this visit but once I arrived I realized it's not what we are used to in the US. If I suggested going to a hotel my dh would balk or think his family would get offended. His family may own that hotel. I can check. One of his uncles owns a hotel around here.

Uber isn't in this city. The streets are usually more congested than that. There are also huge buses like mega bus types that go down those roads. I don't feel safe walking down those sidewalks.
The only thing we would be able to do is going to a corner shop and buy small items so it's not very exciting. My kids are having a good time as a side note. One of our kids is getting an x-ray today for his asthma and in the US the bill would be so much higher. There are definitely pros to visiting. I am going to take my sister in laws out shopping later to Aarong. It's a famous department store here.. Very high end clothing. I told them dh was treating them to a new dress. He balked at first but I insisted.

Double decker busses? No Uber? Sounds like Bangladesh. Does not sound like India.

Your DH sounds...like an AH. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a fun travel thread for the diverse Wash DC area, multilateral bank folks to opine on.

Well done Op. I think it’s a fake original post but people can’t stop posting their fun stories, hilarious!

Agree. Well done, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s review:
-husband said she has to go or he’ll divorce her
-husband shows little concern for caring for asthmatic child
-husband shows little concern for daily comfort of wife and children
-husband shows little interest in doing what wife wants to do on trip

OP, now that you see who your husband really is, what will you be doing when you get back home? The next time there’s a trip?

Also, does anyone remember the book/movie Not Without My Daughter? OP’s situation reminds me of that husband (minus the actual hostage/kidnapping situation ).

Question about men in Bangladesh generally:

- do they tend to be more misogynistic and less feminist than men raised in the West?

Isn’t Bangladesh like, 90% Muslim?

Wait - are you implying men raised in predominantly Muslim countries are not feminists?

[Anonymous]

I go to India almost every year for the last 30 years. My kids like their comforts and so we make sure that we are well prepared. We usually stay at home or at hotels. We hire touring luxury taxies or vans. We travel by road, by railways and by plane.

The family homes (ILs, parents, friends, siblings, relatives) where we stay usually have water heaters and you can either bathe using a bucket or use the shower. However, no one wastes a lot of water so mostly one or two large buckets of water is all we use per person to bathe with.

We have access to family car (relatives drive us around) or we usually hire uber or a whole day taxi that costs us around $30 per day.

We have our own bank account in India, our own Indian ATM and credit card and we have our own Indian cell phone with google pay.

No one goes hungry there because the level and variety of food there is mind blowing. We shop till we drop and the shopkeepers even ship our bulky items to US.

OP, sorry but I know how terrible the infrastructure and modernization is in Bangladesh. If you are not from a well-off family or if your DH does not want to spend money, you are so screwed. So, you are not even going traveling and touring in Bangladesh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so terrible for the child with asthma who is suffering through all this. They will remember it as an adult.

I've been surprised at how few people picked up on the fact OP said their child with asthma is having problems there, and that OP herself was hospitalized back here for over a week after a previous visit. I would be constantly concerned that my asthmatic child would need medical care while there, and I would not be trusting of medical care in an underdeveloped country except maybe in a major city.

Right? I was an asthmatic child and I have vivid memories of the asthma attacks I suffered and hospital visits when I was on vacation staying with family. My mom said over and over that I wouldn’t be able to handle the environment but my dad insisted we go.

That homeland guilt with the Dads, strikes again!

Welll sort off…. My dad was from a midwestern family and his parents lived in an old dusty house that they smoked in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone from a totally different background? Marriage is about compatibility, background is important.

It is but its is also about love and finances are important too, also South Asian Men tend to be loyal which is a hard to find quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read several pages of this thread, about 10 of them, and I just gave up. I cannot believe the number of posters who are dismissing the original poster. I read all her posts up to where I stopped and she has some very valid complaints. She's venting online. However, since her in-laws seem to like her, I am certain she's putting on a good face for them. I suppose I'm defending her because I can see myself doing the same. A month long vacation in the circumstances the OP describes would be difficult. Kudos for her for doing it. All you guys saying that she has to enjoy it, get over yourselves.

Posters are only saying to get through this and sort out issues before next trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you convert to Islam when you got married?

Did OP say religion is an issue? She got bigger fish to fry, which is cultural and socioeconomic differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so terrible for the child with asthma who is suffering through all this. They will remember it as an adult.

I doubt if it was bad, father and in-laws would take fare of it. OP did mention that they are getting tests done which would cost a lot here unless insurance approves and co-pay is waived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read several pages of this thread, about 10 of them, and I just gave up. I cannot believe the number of posters who are dismissing the original poster. I read all her posts up to where I stopped and she has some very valid complaints. She's venting online. However, since her in-laws seem to like her, I am certain she's putting on a good face for them. I suppose I'm defending her because I can see myself doing the same. A month long vacation in the circumstances the OP describes would be difficult. Kudos for her for doing it. All you guys saying that she has to enjoy it, get over yourselves.

I just waded through the whole thread. Yes, there is a lot of WTF to pick apart here, but one thing that stood out to me is that OP genuinely seems to like her DH's family and does note positive things when they happen (her kids are having fun, she's going dress shopping with SIL). I think she's trying hard to be game and go along with it, and mostly venting here. Fair enough, and hang in there OP (and thanks for all the interesting photos!)

Also sounds like she is annoyed, not distressed.