AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

Yeah. Like I said, I’m an ER doc, so I’ve seen some crazy things. I have very little faith in my observation of superficial interactions. I do have faith in background checks and CPR training.
[/quote

It sounds like the issue is that, likely because you're an ER doc, you don't have the time outside work to develop the kinds of relationships (i.e., not superficial) that do allow you to vet potential childcare in a thorough way. And that's unfortunate, because now you're relying on background checks, which aren't actually that thorough, to keep your kids safe. As someone who has also seen some crazy things in her professional life, and who has worked with CPS and with people who passed background checks (haha!), that's too low of a bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

It is BIL’s excuse though. Not the SIL doing a marathon.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

Yeah. Like I said, I’m an ER doc, so I’ve seen some crazy things. I have very little faith in my observation of superficial interactions. I do have faith in background checks and CPR training.

Very weird take. I use the internet as a tool to find childcare candidates, but then I vet them myself. I pick candidates that have a connection to my community so I can get good references. Then I do an in person interview and usually a low-stakes very short trial period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

You need to be careful trusting "your instincts" here. It is a well documented fact that the vast majority of child abuse and sexual abuse issues are perpetrated by someone that the child knows well and sees more frequently, usually family or family friends. The number of cases of people hired from childcare sites that provide background checks and previous customer references is much smaller and much less likely. The "internet randos" that are abusers tend to get found on social media sites, not on vetted childcare sites for hire.

So statistics and probability say that going with a company that does background checks and provides customer references is far more likely to be safe than hiring the high school kid from your neighborhood or the cousin of the mother of your older sibling's high school teammate.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have any family you’ve been meaning to visit? I would say cousin Sue has been asking us to visit, so I’m taking the kids and doing that, after daycare pick up. Or say you’re doing that and go to a hotel and have some fun. BIL can figure his own mess out.

I would not leave kids with a babysitter I don’t know at that age. I would only leave kids overnight with a family member at that age. Maybe that’s just me, but I wouldn’t budge on that.

[Anonymous]

Just hold firm with no. They don’t need to agree or understand. It’s the OP’s decision.

It’s 100% reasonable to be able to work a few hours from home with your own 2 kids. It’s crazy to think that the OP could do this with 4 kids, 2 new cousins. I wouldn’t get a random sitter either. BILs childcare is not her problem to solve at all.

MIL is a rude obnoxious boundary pusher to expect OP to take PTO to be the childcare provider. There is no point trying to get someone like this to understand so just tell the old busybody to pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hold firm with no. They don’t need to agree or understand. It’s the OP’s decision.

It’s 100% reasonable to be able to work a few hours from home with your own 2 kids. It’s crazy to think that the OP could do this with 4 kids, 2 new cousins. I wouldn’t get a random sitter either. BILs childcare is not her problem to solve at all.

MIL is a rude obnoxious boundary pusher to expect OP to take PTO to be the childcare provider. There is no point trying to get someone like this to understand so just tell the old busybody to pound sand.

+1. You and DH can decide if he wants to go to the wedding and drive back that night or spend the night. Or not go at all. You aren't childcare for BIL, especially if it means you have to take a day off of work. Maybe it would be different if the kids were upper elementary and middle school, but not 4 kids under the age of five.

Where do SIL's family live? Can't BIL come alone and SIL can find childcare for their kids in their own city while she runs the marathon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

You need to be careful trusting "your instincts" here. It is a well documented fact that the vast majority of child abuse and sexual abuse issues are perpetrated by someone that the child knows well and sees more frequently, usually family or family friends. The number of cases of people hired from childcare sites that provide background checks and previous customer references is much smaller and much less likely. The "internet randos" that are abusers tend to get found on social media sites, not on vetted childcare sites for hire.

So statistics and probability say that going with a company that does background checks and provides customer references is far more likely to be safe than hiring the high school kid from your neighborhood or the cousin of the mother of your older sibling's high school teammate.

I never mentioned my "instincts," so you can toss that out the window. I've actually worked with sex offenders in a professional capacity, so I know far more than most what the highest risks are. That doesn't make me infallible, but it does make me pay attention to all the data I can collect - both from objective (if imperfect) measures like background checks and from subjective things like references, my interactions, and observations of this person. Abusers are more likely to be known to the child, absolutely true - that doesn't rule out childcare providers. I actually deliberately did NOT let a counselor at my kids' camp watch my kids alone because he was weirdly pushy about it ("I'd love to babysit your kids, here's my number, now you need to text me").

There's also a difference in risk depending on the number of eyes on a kid. Abusers typically isolate their kids which is, by definition, easier when they're *alone* with your children, in your house, than in a larger childcare setting. That doesn't mean it never happens in the latter environment, but come on. The PP claiming that a background check and CPR training suffice for leaving children alone with an adult is misinformed, at best.

For people who are interested, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker is a great read on keeping kids safe. He has a particular chapter on selecting childcare, including specific questions to ask of care providers. It's been helpful for us in selecting childcare in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hold firm with no. They don’t need to agree or understand. It’s the OP’s decision.

It’s 100% reasonable to be able to work a few hours from home with your own 2 kids. It’s crazy to think that the OP could do this with 4 kids, 2 new cousins. I wouldn’t get a random sitter either. BILs childcare is not her problem to solve at all.

MIL is a rude obnoxious boundary pusher to expect OP to take PTO to be the childcare provider. There is no point trying to get someone like this to understand so just tell the old busybody to pound sand.

+1. You and DH can decide if he wants to go to the wedding and drive back that night or spend the night. Or not go at all. You aren't childcare for BIL, especially if it means you have to take a day off of work. Maybe it would be different if the kids were upper elementary and middle school, but not 4 kids under the age of five.

Where do SIL's family live? Can't BIL come alone and SIL can find childcare for their kids in their own city while she runs the marathon?

Why is it SILs job to find childcare? She had plans that weekend already and her DH was the agreed upon childcare. Her marathon may not be in town, and aside from that - she has probably planned and trained for months for this event. BIL has already agreed to be home for HIS children that weekend so his wife can do something important to her. He can choose to not attend this inconvenient, childfree wedding that requires travel, or he can find some sort of alternative childcare that weekend.

[Anonymous]

Decline invitation. Send gift. Do not think one more second about it and move on. The couple will get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My mom cannot take PTO. Her parents are (thankfully!) still both alive and in their 90s so she uses/saves all her PTO taking them to doctors appts and caring for them. 2/3 of our regular sitters are full time nannies and I feel weird about asking them to leave their full time families in a childcare lurch for the day. The other one is in both grad school and works during the day.

But you're right- I'm pretty indifferent about going in general just because the amount of mental work, logistical planning, and money (wedding gift, 4hr drive, sitter @ $25hr, possible hotel room) just doesn't feel worth it to me.

Let's just say you are giving off a lot of the latter vibe, then the no sitter vibe. That said, I would not watch 4 kids under 5. I don't understand why your DH hasn't explained this to his own parents - not the you don't give a sh*t about his cousin, but the childcare logistics.

Even if you do not attend, you should still send a gift unless you want to double down on the "you don't give a sh*t" about the cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hold firm with no. They don’t need to agree or understand. It’s the OP’s decision.

It’s 100% reasonable to be able to work a few hours from home with your own 2 kids. It’s crazy to think that the OP could do this with 4 kids, 2 new cousins. I wouldn’t get a random sitter either. BILs childcare is not her problem to solve at all.

MIL is a rude obnoxious boundary pusher to expect OP to take PTO to be the childcare provider. There is no point trying to get someone like this to understand so just tell the old busybody to pound sand.

+1. You and DH can decide if he wants to go to the wedding and drive back that night or spend the night. Or not go at all. You aren't childcare for BIL, especially if it means you have to take a day off of work. Maybe it would be different if the kids were upper elementary and middle school, but not 4 kids under the age of five.

Where do SIL's family live? Can't BIL come alone and SIL can find childcare for their kids in their own city while she runs the marathon?

Why is it SILs job to find childcare? She had plans that weekend already and her DH was the agreed upon childcare. Her marathon may not be in town, and aside from that - she has probably planned and trained for months for this event. BIL has already agreed to be home for HIS children that weekend so his wife can do something important to her. He can choose to not attend this inconvenient, childfree wedding that requires travel, or he can find some sort of alternative childcare that weekend.

I'm confused - the BIL was clearly expecting his SIL to be the childcare. He's no saint here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hold firm with no. They don’t need to agree or understand. It’s the OP’s decision.

It’s 100% reasonable to be able to work a few hours from home with your own 2 kids. It’s crazy to think that the OP could do this with 4 kids, 2 new cousins. I wouldn’t get a random sitter either. BILs childcare is not her problem to solve at all.

MIL is a rude obnoxious boundary pusher to expect OP to take PTO to be the childcare provider. There is no point trying to get someone like this to understand so just tell the old busybody to pound sand.

+1. You and DH can decide if he wants to go to the wedding and drive back that night or spend the night. Or not go at all. You aren't childcare for BIL, especially if it means you have to take a day off of work. Maybe it would be different if the kids were upper elementary and middle school, but not 4 kids under the age of five.

Where do SIL's family live? Can't BIL come alone and SIL can find childcare for their kids in their own city while she runs the marathon?

Why is it SILs job to find childcare? She had plans that weekend already and her DH was the agreed upon childcare. Her marathon may not be in town, and aside from that - she has probably planned and trained for months for this event. BIL has already agreed to be home for HIS children that weekend so his wife can do something important to her. He can choose to not attend this inconvenient, childfree wedding that requires travel, or he can find some sort of alternative childcare that weekend.

I'm confused - the BIL was clearly expecting his SIL to be the childcare. He's no saint here.

That’s my point. Everyone is jumping on BILs wife (ie. SIL) to cancel her marathon or find the childcare. BIL I supposed to be the childcare that weekend because of his wife’s plans. It’s not up to OP (another SIL, and more importantly another woman) to solve the childcare issue. Neither woman is going to the wedding, so they don’t need to figure out what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decline invitation. Send gift. Do not think one more second about it and move on. The couple will get over it.

This is the correct answer to a long-ass thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

You need to be careful trusting "your instincts" here. It is a well documented fact that the vast majority of child abuse and sexual abuse issues are perpetrated by someone that the child knows well and sees more frequently, usually family or family friends. The number of cases of people hired from childcare sites that provide background checks and previous customer references is much smaller and much less likely. The "internet randos" that are abusers tend to get found on social media sites, not on vetted childcare sites for hire.

So statistics and probability say that going with a company that does background checks and provides customer references is far more likely to be safe than hiring the high school kid from your neighborhood or the cousin of the mother of your older sibling's high school teammate.

I never mentioned my "instincts," so you can toss that out the window. I've actually worked with sex offenders in a professional capacity, so I know far more than most what the highest risks are. That doesn't make me infallible, but it does make me pay attention to all the data I can collect - both from objective (if imperfect) measures like background checks and from subjective things like references, my interactions, and observations of this person. Abusers are more likely to be known to the child, absolutely true - that doesn't rule out childcare providers. I actually deliberately did NOT let a counselor at my kids' camp watch my kids alone because he was weirdly pushy about it ("I'd love to babysit your kids, here's my number, now you need to text me").

There's also a difference in risk depending on the number of eyes on a kid. Abusers typically isolate their kids which is, by definition, easier when they're *alone* with your children, in your house, than in a larger childcare setting. That doesn't mean it never happens in the latter environment, but come on. The PP claiming that a background check and CPR training suffice for leaving children alone with an adult is misinformed, at best.

For people who are interested, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker is a great read on keeping kids safe. He has a particular chapter on selecting childcare, including specific questions to ask of care providers. It's been helpful for us in selecting childcare in the past.

How weird. She just need a babysitter for one night. You sound hysterical.