AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

As a parent I need to personally feel comfortable with someone I am entrusting my kids to. I’m not taking someone off a random website that I’ve never met. I know the teen on my kids’ swim team, I also likely know their parents, and they have generally also babysat for other families I know. How is it so mind blowing to you that people don’t want to hire someone off the internet that they’ve never met to watch their kids?

Because it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I mean, you could go with someone from a nanny agency or a babysitting agency who has had an interview a background check, childcare experience, and you know is CPR certified.
Or you can go with someone whose mom you know from the swim team bake sale, and your neighbor said that she babysat their kids before.
It just seems like you are being overly reliant on “knowing” someone that you can’t possibly know that well instead of looking at actual objective facts.

I mean, it’s fine. I have hired both and had good experiences with both. But I think that statistically the sadistic or neglectful nanny or babysitter is just as likely to be your friend’s neighbor’s kid as it is to be someone you hired from an agency.

I don’t know. I’m done with this now. I just think you are being silly and overly trusting of your own instincts.

NP. Every babysitter I’ve ever hired has spent considerable time with kids (usually with my kids specifically) that I could observe before I left them alone with my kids. I’m not concerned with uniquely intentional sadism or anything just general bad childminding skills. This is much easier to do with people in my community for free because they interact with children in front of me all the time. Someone from the internet I would have to pay to vet in this way and it would be awkward/stressful. Nothing wrong with using a website if you’re comfortable with it but there’s no need to come at people who prefer not to.

I think this makes sense.
Maybe if OP said something like:

“I am kind of an anxious person, and going to a large family event that is not my family of origin sounds pretty anxiety inducing to me anyway. Adding on asking my current sitters to change their schedule for me or interacting with adults I don’t know in order to vet a sitter for the night is really more than I can handle right now”

then she could have avoided a lot of family drama.

Lots of people who don’t deal with anxiety could attend and enjoy this. BIL who is booking a flight with his 1 and 3 year old is probably not an anxious person and doesn’t get what OP’s issue is, even though it’s obvious to her (and a lot of people who read parenting forums…).

I thought the sitter was less of an issue than the PTO tbh. OP is not attending an inconvenient wedding because she has work. The fact that she also does not want to (a) get a sitter from the internet or (b) watch other people’s children while she’s trying to work doesn’t seem like it needs to be specially explained by anxiety given that as she stated in the OP she wasn’t planning to attend the wedding for scheduling reasons in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

The marathon mom never asked anything of anyone. And actually her husband didn’t either. The idea was MIL’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

She’s been training for a marathon and could not have planned the moronic and selfish move by cousin to get married at 3pm on a Friday. Good for her. Go sit around on your couch some more while she crosses the finish line.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

Yeah. Like I said, I’m an ER doc, so I’ve seen some crazy things. I have very little faith in my observation of superficial interactions. I do have faith in background checks and CPR training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP, who would also never use care.com (or any Internet site like it) to find childcare - we found babysitters from a few places: woman who staffed the childcare room at our gym, neighbors, older kids on our children's summer swim team, staff at the kids' daycare, once we'd left. These were all people with whom we'd interacted in real-life before we let them watch our kids, alone, in our home. When we were selecting daycare, we vetted them thoroughly but not exhaustively.

It's the kids alone with someone they don't know that we don't do. We're not martyrs or anxiety-prone, but there are certain risks we aren't willing to take.

How is the risk with, say, a nurse who lives near you and is looking for some extra cash lower than the risk of a teen from your kids swim team?
How does your knowing someone make them a better or more responsible caregiver?

Really? I can't believe I have to spell this out to a parent, but here goes: when you have had multiple interactions with a person, you usually get to know them better. When you see them interacting with multiple people, you can observe those interactions. It's not that knowing someone makes *them* better or more responsible, it's that knowing someone usually improves *my* judgment in whether they're responsible. Most people willing to watch kids aren't sadistic or neglectful. But plenty of people do dumb stuff, or are careless, or don't take responsibilities seriously.

A parent having reasonable precautions in who watches their children, alone, in their house is really NBD. That you and others are dumping on the OP about it says more about you than it does them. You'd really leave your child(ren) with someone you don't know at all?

Yeah. Like I said, I’m an ER doc, so I’ve seen some crazy things. I have very little faith in my observation of superficial interactions. I do have faith in background checks and CPR training.

You have no clue how (in)complete or thorough those background checks are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

Not important to them, but that isn't a decision someone on dcum gets to make for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

The marathon mom never asked anything of anyone. And actually her husband didn’t either. The idea was MIL’s.

How odd that dcum isn't dumping on MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

I think you could make it work if you wanted to. 4 kids over night is too much, but surely someone can watch your kids for a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

You all get to decide what is important to other adults? I don't get how you have the right to decide her marathon is not important. I'm right. You are a boundary stomping weirdo and have to be hell to live with.

I stand by my assessment of the people who are bashing her.

Everyone has hobbies, but we prioritize them accordingly.

I double down on my assessment. You are a controlling weirdo who does not understand boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Yes, YTA! They want to have a good family bonding experience and you are too Al fish and rigid to help. 4 years till divorce with this attitude.

[Anonymous]

NTA, having a no kids wedding is selfish and you have to accept that many people with kids won’t show. Avoid the wedding and don’t feel guilty at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

You all get to decide what is important to other adults? I don't get how you have the right to decide her marathon is not important. I'm right. You are a boundary stomping weirdo and have to be hell to live with.

I stand by my assessment of the people who are bashing her.

Everyone has hobbies, but we prioritize them accordingly.

I double down on my assessment. You are a controlling weirdo who does not understand boundaries.

If you tried to unload your kids on me for a weekend to free up your time for golfing, yes I would judge you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, YTA! They want to have a good family bonding experience and you are too Al fish and rigid to help. 4 years till divorce with this attitude.

If they really wanted “family bonding,” they would have invited the whole family. You tried it, though. If they wanted a good family bonding experience, they would not be expecting OP to stay behind like the hired help. You tried so hard! Ooooof, too bad you were done in by your own logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people bashing sil for doing a marathon are people I wouldn't want to be friends with. You are seriously weird and seem a little misogynistic.

I don’t think they are bashing her. More so, they are pointing out that it really is not important and a weak excuse to dump on others.

The marathon mom never asked anything of anyone. And actually her husband didn’t either. The idea was MIL’s.

How odd that dcum isn't dumping on MIL.

You must be new. DCUM hates MILs, but they hate SILs even more.