Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

My kids don’t have special issues, other than being teens in a very happy family. They are thriving. I do not want to destroy their world. They are both fairly sensitive inside and a divorce (just from conversations about friends, etc) would really destroy them. You need to weigh what the cheater does after and how committed they are to therapy (their own) and transparency. You have to really get to the “why?”. Why did they do this? What was the underlying factor?

It’s also possible to change your mind if things change. Take it day by day, month after month, year to year. You will see if they have changed and stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

Agree. And the future. How do you want retirement, potential grandkids, holidays, etc.? Who do you want to spend retirement with? If you are best friends and he’s done the work, do you want to start over with someone new and deal with blended families?

Again, only for the redeemable ones doing the work and committed. Not the snakes that are awful at home or egregious serial cheaters. 60% will have infidelity in a 50-year marriage at some point. It can be worked through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

My spouse was very reliable. A great parent and great spouse and great uncle and great son-in-law, really helped members of my family out.

I agree. It’s situational. Mine confessed and then worked very hard to make amends without me asking for those things. The remorse and pain was palpable. And therapists, mine, his, ours really were is biggest cheerleader. Said they hadn’t seen someone so committed, etc.

Do I worry? Yes, of course. But the good far outweighs the occasional doubt and we both communicate frequently about it and things we didn’t before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

Agree. And the future. How do you want retirement, potential grandkids, holidays, etc.? Who do you want to spend retirement with? If you are best friends and he’s done the work, do you want to start over with someone new and deal with blended families?

Again, only for the redeemable ones doing the work and committed. Not the snakes that are awful at home or egregious serial cheaters. 60% will have infidelity in a 50-year marriage at some point. It can be worked through.

I hope that when I'm older, my husband isn't the only person I spend my retirement with. I want friends, I want a real community. I feel bad for people who depend on their spouses for company when they are older, especially since they often have nobody left after they die. But yes, there are a lot of reasons to work through infidelity. I just personally don't think I could do it, not in OP's case.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I'm very much leaning towards leaving. I've reached out to a ton of lawyers and couples therapists so hopefully I hear back from some in the coming days. I also asked my therapist for her earliest appointment.

I just signed up for a support group through a local non profit called "should I stay or go" that provides group support and individual resources for 4 weeks.

I do have to consider finances carefully as we literally just strategically 2x our HHI in 2022 with DH accepting a new job and me keeping a flexible job (but working very hard for max commission) to balance the kids schedules.

Anyone want to weigh in:
My half of our savings: $55k
My half of the house equity: $40-50k
My base salary: $80k (made $102k in 2022 with commission)
DHs salary: 165k, will likely rapidly increase in the next 5-10 years
Debt: $6k left on my car, $8k left on my student loans (approved for forgiveness if that happens). No other debt besides outstanding mortgage.

Considerations:
Childcare: $1800/mo for the next 1.5 years then $900/mon for 2 more years after that til both kids are in public school.
House: 5bd/2ba on a half acre lot there's no way I could or would want to maintain it alone. We bought very young (yes, a theme of ours) so our PITI is only $2700. Interest rate 3.0%. Great piblic school district. Haven't made many neighborhood friends, would likely be very lonely here with the kids alone.
-we have an in law suite (bedroom, full bath, kitchen with fridge/ 4 burner stove/ample cabinets but no oven, living room). We could possibly add a door to section that off and have dh live in there but that may kill me mentally. May be less hard on the kids? May be a temp plan?
-I have no local safety net as in my parents live in a tiny condo and my siblings are all 20 somethings living with friends. No where to stay should the entire floor drop out on me. Parents don't have money. No windfalls expected.
- I have zero benefits at work. I'm on DHs insurance. I have my job because it's WFH 8-4, high flexibility to be able to cover kids appts or sick days without issue. Can ocassionally squeak by working 6ish hours per day and not falling behind when needed. Commission will likely increase this year as I spent 2022 building solid clients. Full autonomy to make my schedule/duck out during the day and work in the evening if needed. Will always be WFH.
-Don't really have any options for a new job at same pay level. My job was basically built for me and is very specific/niche to my skill set. It was like a needle in a haystack connection where this company needed me and I'm paid over 2x similar roles.

How does my situation look? My brain is mush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Horribly, I completely agree. He was never an adult on his own, hooking up, dating whomever, going wherever. Also, talk about a crap-ton of expectations and pressure. I feel smothered just reading the description of how enmeshed the families are.

I’m not saying you should forgive him, OP. Just that I think it’s very hard to sustain, over the long-term, relationships that began at such a young age and which have SO much extended family involvement without any breaks or issues.

Oh come on. I get what you are saying, but saying this allows DH to shift blame to something external, outside him. He has weak character. If he was having thoughts of cheating, he should have talked to a friend, a therapist, OP, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.

I would think that the man being a good father would make it easier to decide to divorce, right? If you know that your children will be cared for when they aren't with you that would be one less thing to worry about.

Opposite. If you both work and he’s very involved in the running of the house and a good role model (they don’t know about cheating), and the marriage was good and he was doing therapy and committed himself to making up for it every day—transparency, therapy, post-nup…and you love him. Why would you walk away without giving it a go after 20 years, etc?

Agree. And the future. How do you want retirement, potential grandkids, holidays, etc.? Who do you want to spend retirement with? If you are best friends and he’s done the work, do you want to start over with someone new and deal with blended families?

Again, only for the redeemable ones doing the work and committed. Not the snakes that are awful at home or egregious serial cheaters. 60% will have infidelity in a 50-year marriage at some point. It can be worked through.

I hope that when I'm older, my husband isn't the only person I spend my retirement with. I want friends, I want a real community. I feel bad for people who depend on their spouses for company when they are older, especially since they often have nobody left after they die. But yes, there are a lot of reasons to work through infidelity. I just personally don't think I could do it, not in OP's case.

Okay, Miss Literal, it doesn’t mean they won’t spend time with friends and others too. Geesh

[Anonymous]

Op here following up with yes DH is a fantastic dad. I'd have zero qualms with him having the kids alone except it would rip my heart out to lose them half of the time.

I just don't know if I can bend my own moral compass enough to stay. This goes against my entire core.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm very much leaning towards leaving. I've reached out to a ton of lawyers and couples therapists so hopefully I hear back from some in the coming days. I also asked my therapist for her earliest appointment.

I just signed up for a support group through a local non profit called "should I stay or go" that provides group support and individual resources for 4 weeks.

I do have to consider finances carefully as we literally just strategically 2x our HHI in 2022 with DH accepting a new job and me keeping a flexible job (but working very hard for max commission) to balance the kids schedules.

Anyone want to weigh in:
My half of our savings: $55k
My half of the house equity: $40-50k
My base salary: $80k (made $102k in 2022 with commission)
DHs salary: 165k, will likely rapidly increase in the next 5-10 years
Debt: $6k left on my car, $8k left on my student loans (approved for forgiveness if that happens). No other debt besides outstanding mortgage.

Considerations:
Childcare: $1800/mo for the next 1.5 years then $900/mon for 2 more years after that til both kids are in public school.
House: 5bd/2ba on a half acre lot there's no way I could or would want to maintain it alone. We bought very young (yes, a theme of ours) so our PITI is only $2700. Interest rate 3.0%. Great piblic school district. Haven't made many neighborhood friends, would likely be very lonely here with the kids alone.
-we have an in law suite (bedroom, full bath, kitchen with fridge/ 4 burner stove/ample cabinets but no oven, living room). We could possibly add a door to section that off and have dh live in there but that may kill me mentally. May be less hard on the kids? May be a temp plan?
-I have no local safety net as in my parents live in a tiny condo and my siblings are all 20 somethings living with friends. No where to stay should the entire floor drop out on me. Parents don't have money. No windfalls expected.
- I have zero benefits at work. I'm on DHs insurance. I have my job because it's WFH 8-4, high flexibility to be able to cover kids appts or sick days without issue. Can ocassionally squeak by working 6ish hours per day and not falling behind when needed. Commission will likely increase this year as I spent 2022 building solid clients. Full autonomy to make my schedule/duck out during the day and work in the evening if needed. Will always be WFH.
-Don't really have any options for a new job at same pay level. My job was basically built for me and is very specific/niche to my skill set. It was like a needle in a haystack connection where this company needed me and I'm paid over 2x similar roles.

How does my situation look? My brain is mush.

It’s very early. I’ve seen people make rash decisions and regret it. Get into therapy. Talk to someone trusted.

More importantly, what is he doing?

Yes- go ahead and figure this out- get options open. But I’d say wait a month or more. However, if he is still in touch with her and still has his heads in the clouds I’d be motivated to walk too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here following up with yes DH is a fantastic dad. I'd have zero qualms with him having the kids alone except it would rip my heart out to lose them half of the time.

I just don't know if I can bend my own moral compass enough to stay. This goes against my entire core.

I get that. Similar situation that I’m struggling with almost 3 years later. My spouse has done everything right, really great, but my inner core screams out because this was always a deal breaker for me. It’s hard. Life is really good 90% of the time. My kids are older. Only a few years left of before college so I’m willing to try the 3-5 year recovery timeline and see if that other 10% can be regained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here following up with yes DH is a fantastic dad. I'd have zero qualms with him having the kids alone except it would rip my heart out to lose them half of the time.

I just don't know if I can bend my own moral compass enough to stay. This goes against my entire core.

I get that. Similar situation that I’m struggling with almost 3 years later. My spouse has done everything right, really great, but my inner core screams out because this was always a deal breaker for me. It’s hard. Life is really good 90% of the time. My kids are older. Only a few years left of before college so I’m willing to try the 3-5 year recovery timeline and see if that other 10% can be regained.

Oh- if you asked me the first 3 months- I was done. I actually kicked him out immediately, save day I found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm very much leaning towards leaving. I've reached out to a ton of lawyers and couples therapists so hopefully I hear back from some in the coming days. I also asked my therapist for her earliest appointment.

I just signed up for a support group through a local non profit called "should I stay or go" that provides group support and individual resources for 4 weeks.

I do have to consider finances carefully as we literally just strategically 2x our HHI in 2022 with DH accepting a new job and me keeping a flexible job (but working very hard for max commission) to balance the kids schedules.

Anyone want to weigh in:
My half of our savings: $55k
My half of the house equity: $40-50k
My base salary: $80k (made $102k in 2022 with commission)
DHs salary: 165k, will likely rapidly increase in the next 5-10 years
Debt: $6k left on my car, $8k left on my student loans (approved for forgiveness if that happens). No other debt besides outstanding mortgage.

Considerations:
Childcare: $1800/mo for the next 1.5 years then $900/mon for 2 more years after that til both kids are in public school.
House: 5bd/2ba on a half acre lot there's no way I could or would want to maintain it alone. We bought very young (yes, a theme of ours) so our PITI is only $2700. Interest rate 3.0%. Great piblic school district. Haven't made many neighborhood friends, would likely be very lonely here with the kids alone.
-we have an in law suite (bedroom, full bath, kitchen with fridge/ 4 burner stove/ample cabinets but no oven, living room). We could possibly add a door to section that off and have dh live in there but that may kill me mentally. May be less hard on the kids? May be a temp plan?
-I have no local safety net as in my parents live in a tiny condo and my siblings are all 20 somethings living with friends. No where to stay should the entire floor drop out on me. Parents don't have money. No windfalls expected.
- I have zero benefits at work. I'm on DHs insurance. I have my job because it's WFH 8-4, high flexibility to be able to cover kids appts or sick days without issue. Can ocassionally squeak by working 6ish hours per day and not falling behind when needed. Commission will likely increase this year as I spent 2022 building solid clients. Full autonomy to make my schedule/duck out during the day and work in the evening if needed. Will always be WFH.
-Don't really have any options for a new job at same pay level. My job was basically built for me and is very specific/niche to my skill set. It was like a needle in a haystack connection where this company needed me and I'm paid over 2x similar roles.

How does my situation look? My brain is mush.

OP - breathe. You don’t have to decide today or tomorrow or next week. You’re doing all the right things in contacting attorneys and your therapist.

A few thoughts:

-You DO have a safety net in that your parents are healthy, local, and helpful. Do not discount that when it comes to childcare. For example, could your parents assist with childcare so that you could do a co-op preschool or something like that? That would bring childcare costs way, way down
-Find out what kind of child support is most likely from the attorneys
-Get creative about your own work situation. Not now, but try to network your way into a higher-paying job. It sounds like you’re working too much for too little (no benefits, etc.). There are lots of WFH options out there

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have landed.

Currently in the car with my MIL and FIL who picked us up from the airport. This sucks.

Wow--lots of time with both sets of parents. Just noting it as you evaluate the marriage.

He's a bastard and I am team OP. Just sayin'--wow, vacay with one set and then come home to the other? I would die.

Yep. We've been together since we were 18, live 15 minutes from all of our parents. Very much enmeshed in each other's families and even out families without us- my brothers hang out with DHs brother, our moms plan joint activities and outings for our kids. Our dads fish and work on old cars together.

Makes sense he cheated.

Horribly, I completely agree. He was never an adult on his own, hooking up, dating whomever, going wherever. Also, talk about a crap-ton of expectations and pressure. I feel smothered just reading the description of how enmeshed the families are.

I’m not saying you should forgive him, OP. Just that I think it’s very hard to sustain, over the long-term, relationships that began at such a young age and which have SO much extended family involvement without any breaks or issues.

Oh come on. I get what you are saying, but saying this allows DH to shift blame to something external, outside him. He has weak character. If he was having thoughts of cheating, he should have talked to a friend, a therapist, OP, etc.

FFS - it’s not this black or white. Understandable doesn’t mean excusable.