Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

I find some of this pretty funny because in my family, a $200 wedding gift to an extended family member is considered normal, even generous. Much more middle class than the typical DCUM family I guess.

Hahaha! I think $200 is super generous as well. $50 might be f* you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

I didn’t know my husbands cousins until the wedding. I mean how else do you get to know them? She’s joining the family now. This is not a good first step. I know my niece and nephew well enough and maybe I’d meet their fiance once or twice before the wedding but how would they know my kids? Just invite everyone. You are joining a family.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

What entitlement.

It’s a good way to piss off the bride and groom and make sure they are both left off future invites.

What the actual heck kind of perspective do you people have? Do you really think a 9 year old cousin coming to their wedding will ruin their wedding? I doubt the bride and groom are as uncharitable as the shrews on dcum.

He's their family! Unless he personally offended them, excluding him like that is uncaring. If it was intentional, then even $200 is too good for them.

…. OP’s kid wasn’t singled out and excluded. The age cutoff for the event is 16 & older. He is not 16 or older.

OP said that all the other cousins will be able to attend, except her son. And I agree with you - he wasn’t singled out. That's why this unfortunate oversight shouldn't be allowed to cause such bad blood.

If I were OP, I'd just take him and mea culpa if that ruins their perfect day, and I'd wash my hands of them. But not going means OP is assuming the worst and preemptively cutting ties.

It hurts when you cared so much for someone (and someone's son) and they can't be bothered to think of your feelings (or your son's feelings).

Since you seem so sure of the facts here, tell us how many times op and her son have met the bride?

I'm not sure of the facts of even the bride and groom's intention vs oversight. But I know you don't toss out family that you care about. They deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Tossing out family? So dramatic. The only one tossing out family is OP who is never ever going to speak to them again. Ever!

Wut? That's exactly my whole point. OP shouldn't toss them out without first giving them a chance to self correct.

Just give them a call and say "I'm going to bring my son so he's not the only cousin left out - let me know if that's a problem". If it is a problem, then she'll know they were always thoughtless people and they'll know why Aunty never calls anymore.

You seem unwell. It’s a wedding, go or don’t go. But making weird threats and demands is super weird.

Obviously neither you nor I are principals in this drama. Funny, I was about to accuse you of either being an LLM agent or so heck bent to be nasty that you're not even consistent in what you say you think.

Either way, this situation makes me sad. Both because OP is about to shrink her circle of close family, and because in 19 pages of replies I seem to be the only one who thinks keeping family is more important than keeping decorum.

Please explain how springing a kid who is 7 years below the age cutoff, was not on the invitation, and who the bride and groom do not expect to attend on the wedding reception as a surprise is "keeping family." Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

I didn’t know my husbands cousins until the wedding. I mean how else do you get to know them? She’s joining the family now. This is not a good first step. I know my niece and nephew well enough and maybe I’d meet their fiance once or twice before the wedding but how would they know my kids? Just invite everyone. You are joining a family.

Your husband's extremely young cousin just isn't that important. The B&G will start their own family and focus on them anyway. Distant cousins who don't live locally are out of sight, out of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

Only the bride's family matters?

Weddings are often the kickoff to these extended family relationships on the other side, not the culmination of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

Only the bride's family matters?

Weddings are often the kickoff to these extended family relationships on the other side, not the culmination of them.

Well, yeah, because who is paying for this wedding? The broke nephew who took thousands of OPs money? The hosts of the wedding, meaning paying for it, are calling the shots. And not every family is like your with big extended family relationships. Some like to keep it small and manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

So she tried to buy the nephew’s interest in her son? That’s effed up.

No. Her son probably didn’t exist when the big gifts started. In the best spin, she tried to help him, she thought she had a bond with him and helping him was part of showing that. She found out she didn’t matter as much as she thought.
Or, nephew didn’t know it mattered to her that a 9 year old was invited.

In fact, we don’t know what the dynamic actually is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t go. Don’t go no contact, that is a crazy overreaction. Just get them a crappy present and move on. Nothing here worth getting so upset about. People can choose whatever kind of wedding they want. It isn’t about you.

Ah yes, the path of passive aggression. Works every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

+1000

OP is petty and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Why would you reach out? The invitation specifies 16+. A host never calls each guest to go over what the invitations already specify. It's basic etiquette. And it's exactly so because all such calls would turn into a dramafest! Any explanation would be turned around and argued over.

Yeah, I guess you have a different relationship your family. If I excluded only one of my cousins I would totally reach out to my aunt or uncle and explain, especially if they had helped put me through school. And conversely, as someone who had a wedding with a big family and lots of guests, I was fine answering the occasional question from my guests - they were my closest friends and family, why not?

NP. I agree with you. So consider that neither the nephew nor OP picked up the phone. That tells me there's something very weird about their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

I bet you'd roll your eyes at anything other than every single member of your family being invited to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

So she tried to buy the nephew’s interest in her son? That’s effed up.

No. Her son probably didn’t exist when the big gifts started. In the best spin, she tried to help him, she thought she had a bond with him and helping him was part of showing that. She found out she didn’t matter as much as she thought.
Or, nephew didn’t know it mattered to her that a 9 year old was invited.

In fact, we don’t know what the dynamic actually is.

So she gave this nephew money a decade ago and is shocked her kid isn't included in the wedding? GMAFB.