Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside. |
Anonymous
Even so his wife works and it's impossible for her to go over there. That solves that. OP thinking she can just take off from work is absurd. The dad is still relatively young. He can still hire someone from a agency to care for her until he makes other arrangement. He can easily find a good caregiver. |
Anonymous
Because life is not a tit for tat situation. Good people understand that. There are some cold hearted women on this thread that I hope are mostly trolls. |
Anonymous
Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her. |
Anonymous
And I bet if OP asked his wife to help them with researching public assistance programs for his mother, she could be very useful. She could help find resources that will equip OP's dad to care for his mother appropriately. What OP is proposing is inadequate and unsustainable, and it's only going to require more and more sacrifice. She's right not to agree to it, because it's not enough and she's smart enough to see that when more and more work is needed, OP is going to be expected to take it on. |
Anonymous
And more projection! They haven't done a damned thing yet, and the ONE thing that OP has proposed is, frankly, stupid. We don't know what she's suggested or not, just that the current suggestion is two years of her husband spending hours driving, two years of paying more than $10K (that's just the bare minimum child care cost, not the cost that will be required when he can't stick to his unrealistic timeline, and not including gas), and stress, while OP's sister gets away with saying that she can manage one day ("maybe" two). And this will inevitably require more effort -- MIL is just going to get worse -- and it's obvious that OP will be expected to do it. OP needs to admit that this won't work, and ask his wife to help him figure out a plan that will be more effective. |
Anonymous
Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something. |
Anonymous
| The more OPs wife stays out of it the better. Everything is about saving money by making OPs family sacrifice. There’s no discussing this in a rational way. They need to come to the realization that Mom needs professional care. They just don’t want to pay for it. They want OPs wife to pay for it. |
Anonymous
| I don’t find OP to be a very sympathetic actor in this. |
Anonymous
And I'd be having a very blunt conversation with my sister about paying back all the free that she received over the years. What a selfish woman. |
Anonymous
| Team wife. She is understandably resentful and she is right to put her foot down, though the two should be unrelated. Your sister saying she "can do one maybe two days a week" sounds like she's only willing to commit to one day a week. I suggest you say you can only do one day per week and see where the conversation goes. Surely your dad is not going to ask you for more without asking your sister too? |
Anonymous
This is the correct answer. |
Anonymous
|
OP's plan is not realistic or sustainable, especially his time estimates. It's toll on his nuclear family life will great. As someone who has done eldercare for multiple grandparents, parents, and other relatives, I can say this is a terrible plan. People with dementia and/or other severe health conditions at some point will need some level professional care even if it's only part time. The faster that OP and his family realizes it, the faster that they can come up with an appropriate plan for the mother's care.
OP's description of his mother's condition sound odd. She's ok for 4 hours but not 4.5? Chances are that her condition is a lot worse than he's describing. Maybe, he himself is in denial. But it sounds like 4 hrs is absolute minimum she can be alone before there's a major disaster. I'm sure that the strain of care taking is also a lot for OP's father. The best course of action is to hire someone from 2-6. That minimizes the time that OP's mom is alone. It also give OP's father time to recharge a little after work. The sister should pay for this. As a social worker, OP's wife has probably seen situations like this play out. Agreeing to OP's terrible plan would not be helpful at all, especially in the long term. |
Anonymous
|
Op here.
My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week. My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time. Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved. |
Anonymous
|
OP's father has to hire a REAL experienced caregiver--not the teen girl next door.
No one is going to come in for less than 4 hours . He could have the caregiver come in around 3 (so she's there before the mom starts to "become agitated") and stay till 7 pm. That way the dad will have a bit of time to get home, go to the grocery store or other errands, and also just have a little down time so he doesn't burn out from caregiving. |