Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, to all that claim I’m a bitter ex, completely not true.

I left my ex years ago, and have had other children and a new relationship since.

This was strictly about either supporting my son’s wishes or to try to convince him to support a dad who has not supported him very much.

My son won’t even know anyone at this wedding ( other than his dad and a handful of living family members on his side who are all in their sixties/seventies. His dad hasn’t even asked him to be IN the wedding, just there.

Sticking with the original decision; he’s going to champs.

What 13 year old wants that?

So, you left dad or cheated and replaced dad with your husband or partner.

Do you actually invite dad and girlfriend? I doubt it. You probably limit contact and make it clear to son he is not a priority.

Just stop taking dads money and have his rights terminated. That’s what you really want. Have your husband adopt him.

Would you be ok if your son missed special events in your home.

You are going to screw up this kid.

You have a ... unique idea of how child custody and parental rights works.

They are both the parents. I think if one parent refuses contact, then stop the child support and don’t hold the parent accountable if they don’t get an opinion. Mom is refusing a visit on dads time.

Then he can switch the wedding to two weeks later during his weekend

honestly I would go to court over this. DH and stepmom need to learn a lesson.

It is their weekend. You go to court and could lose. Mom needs to learn a lesson and stop sabotaging the relationship. Mom is not offering another weekend. Dad should not have to change his weekend. You are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

OP here, I checked out earlier, but WHOA has this post blown up .

This makes ALOT of sense (About her not wanting him in pictures)! Especially a kid she barely knows and is of a different race than she and anyone in her or my ex’s social group. (Our son looks highly ethnic and gets his visual traits from my genes more than Dad’s) If dad never told anyone, they would never think that he had a dark skinned son).

I hadn’t thought about this at all... but this could definitely be a possiblity.

Then have him get to know her. Invite her to events and make her feel welcome. I would keep my distance too given your posts. You are looking for any justification. What does race have to do with it? It’s not appropiate for girlfriend to attend without an invitation.

Honestly — this is not OP’s job! she left this guy years ago, and now it’s HER job to foster the child’s relationship with his fiancé?

Sounds like she cheated and left. Yes, she comes across as she doesn’t want her there and complaining of the relationship. Mom should reach out and welcome her. Mom is clear she is not welcome.

IT IS NOT HER JOB. Wow. no wonder men continue to pull this cr*p. How hard is it to understand whose job this is?

A girlfriend should not be around except when invited. She is not a wife and if she went mom would probably have a fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, to all that claim I’m a bitter ex, completely not true.

I left my ex years ago, and have had other children and a new relationship since.

This was strictly about either supporting my son’s wishes or to try to convince him to support a dad who has not supported him very much.

My son won’t even know anyone at this wedding ( other than his dad and a handful of living family members on his side who are all in their sixties/seventies. His dad hasn’t even asked him to be IN the wedding, just there.

Sticking with the original decision; he’s going to champs.

What 13 year old wants that?

So, you left dad or cheated and replaced dad with your husband or partner.

Do you actually invite dad and girlfriend? I doubt it. You probably limit contact and make it clear to son he is not a priority.

Just stop taking dads money and have his rights terminated. That’s what you really want. Have your husband adopt him.

Would you be ok if your son missed special events in your home.

You are going to screw up this kid.

You have a ... unique idea of how child custody and parental rights works.

They are both the parents. I think if one parent refuses contact, then stop the child support and don’t hold the parent accountable if they don’t get an opinion. Mom is refusing a visit on dads time.

Then he can switch the wedding to two weeks later during his weekend

honestly I would go to court over this. DH and stepmom need to learn a lesson.

It is their weekend. You go to court and could lose. Mom needs to learn a lesson and stop sabotaging the relationship. Mom is not offering another weekend. Dad should not have to change his weekend. You are selfish.

She can go to court to get custody changed and keep dad from sabotaging kid’s activities. The actual record is dad going AWOL - not mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

OP here, I checked out earlier, but WHOA has this post blown up .

This makes ALOT of sense (About her not wanting him in pictures)! Especially a kid she barely knows and is of a different race than she and anyone in her or my ex’s social group. (Our son looks highly ethnic and gets his visual traits from my genes more than Dad’s) If dad never told anyone, they would never think that he had a dark skinned son).

I hadn’t thought about this at all... but this could definitely be a possiblity.

Then have him get to know her. Invite her to events and make her feel welcome. I would keep my distance too given your posts. You are looking for any justification. What does race have to do with it? It’s not appropiate for girlfriend to attend without an invitation.

Honestly — this is not OP’s job! she left this guy years ago, and now it’s HER job to foster the child’s relationship with his fiancé?

Sounds like she cheated and left. Yes, she comes across as she doesn’t want her there and complaining of the relationship. Mom should reach out and welcome her. Mom is clear she is not welcome.

IT IS NOT HER JOB. Wow. no wonder men continue to pull this cr*p. How hard is it to understand whose job this is?

A girlfriend should not be around except when invited. She is not a wife and if she went mom would probably have a fit.

?? No. dad is a grown-up person and can manage his own relationships. he is the child’s father and does not need to wait to be invited anywhere, with or without girlfriend. Fact is, dad was perfectly willing to drop out of son’s life while focusing on his girlfriend/fiancée and now just wants son at the wedding to show he isn’t a terrible father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Absolutely wrong. Courts can and do intervene to establish child’s activities, which both parents have to follow. they shouldn’t have to do this, but it’s jerks like OP’s DH that make this necessary. best interests of the child means that the parent cannot in fact do whatever they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, to all that claim I’m a bitter ex, completely not true.

I left my ex years ago, and have had other children and a new relationship since.

This was strictly about either supporting my son’s wishes or to try to convince him to support a dad who has not supported him very much.

My son won’t even know anyone at this wedding ( other than his dad and a handful of living family members on his side who are all in their sixties/seventies. His dad hasn’t even asked him to be IN the wedding, just there.

Sticking with the original decision; he’s going to champs.

What 13 year old wants that?

So, you left dad or cheated and replaced dad with your husband or partner.

Do you actually invite dad and girlfriend? I doubt it. You probably limit contact and make it clear to son he is not a priority.

Just stop taking dads money and have his rights terminated. That’s what you really want. Have your husband adopt him.

Would you be ok if your son missed special events in your home.

You are going to screw up this kid.

You have a ... unique idea of how child custody and parental rights works.

They are both the parents. I think if one parent refuses contact, then stop the child support and don’t hold the parent accountable if they don’t get an opinion. Mom is refusing a visit on dads time.

Then he can switch the wedding to two weeks later during his weekend

honestly I would go to court over this. DH and stepmom need to learn a lesson.

A judge would side with the dad and read OP the riot act. But I would love to be in the gallery to hear the response to this nonsense about a national championship for 11 year olds

[Anonymous]

More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

OP here, I checked out earlier, but WHOA has this post blown up .

This makes ALOT of sense (About her not wanting him in pictures)! Especially a kid she barely knows and is of a different race than she and anyone in her or my ex’s social group. (Our son looks highly ethnic and gets his visual traits from my genes more than Dad’s) If dad never told anyone, they would never think that he had a dark skinned son).

I hadn’t thought about this at all... but this could definitely be a possiblity.

You really come off like a jealous and nasty shrew, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH if the kid is in MS- this one "championship" will not make or break his career. If he was a sophomore in HS I would tell you to have him prioritize his game. Him being in MS, the game really means nothing. Sorry DCUM!

OP won't name the sport, but I'm guessing this is swimming and the event is the PVS Junior Olympics in March. A coach would know whether or not a kid is likely to qualify by this point in the swim season.

So that’s not even that big of a deal. It would be just a regional qualifier for USA swimming. If you are right, this is a complete exaggeration about the significance of “‘national championship.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Absolutely wrong. Courts can and do intervene to establish child’s activities, which both parents have to follow. they shouldn’t have to do this, but it’s jerks like OP’s DH that make this necessary. best interests of the child means that the parent cannot in fact do whatever they want.

They also intervene and say child should go to the wedding. So, it’s ok for child to miss dads weekend? It’s ok for no make up offered? It’s ok to plan things on dads weekends without his consent? It’s ok child goes to moms wedding and not dads. My husbands ex pulled that stuff. Judge sided with dad and gave him more visitation and had her pay for the bulk of the plane tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.

Are you joking? Of COURSE he's a villian if he's flaking on his child because of his own personal discomfort or dislike of sports. That's totally bogus. "Sorry son, I missed all of our weekends because you mom is mean." No. You show up, and if you can't get along with your x, you sit a few feet away. And then you make sure you get some 1:1 time after.

Ah okay there it is. No, moms are not entitled to come to every practice when it’s dad’s weekend. They need to step back. You’re divorced now.

Yea, no, this is completely wrong. It seems to me that a lot of people making ridiculous statements like these are not divorced and not operating under a custody agreement or order and have no idea how this all works.

In most custody orders (but not all, due to other significant factors), BOTH parents are allowed to attend the child's sports events, school events, special events, recitals, etc regardless of whose parenting time it is. My custody agreement spells this out.

There's also another poster repeatedly telling OP to "just stop child support and terminate his parental rights". LOLOLOLOL, you can't just do that. You can't stop child support (once it starts), and termination of parental rights is something the courts take *very* seriously and is NOT an easy or short process (in most cases).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP was willing to back off and let dad go to all these intensive sporting events without her presence. I’ve known ex wives who alienated their kids’ time with dad by scheduling kids in intense sports schedules and then never missing a practice no matter whose weekend it was.

Again, that dad must be super weak to be so easily "alienated" from his child in that way, and so ineffectual that he cannot figure out how to make arrangements so that he gets to spend quality time with his kid. A dad that can be so easily "alienated" was just looking for an excuse not to be present in his child's life.

Ok so maybe he’s weak. Maybe he isn’t willing to argue with his ex wife anymore, who has made it clear she and DS are just fine without him, thanks. Not dad of the year but not a villain either.

Are you joking? Of COURSE he's a villian if he's flaking on his child because of his own personal discomfort or dislike of sports. That's totally bogus. "Sorry son, I missed all of our weekends because you mom is mean." No. You show up, and if you can't get along with your x, you sit a few feet away. And then you make sure you get some 1:1 time after.

Ah okay there it is. No, moms are not entitled to come to every practice when it’s dad’s weekend. They need to step back. You’re divorced now.

Yea, no, this is completely wrong. It seems to me that a lot of people making ridiculous statements like these are not divorced and not operating under a custody agreement or order and have no idea how this all works.

In most custody orders (but not all, due to other significant factors), BOTH parents are allowed to attend the child's sports events, school events, special events, recitals, etc regardless of whose parenting time it is. My custody agreement spells this out.

There's also another poster repeatedly telling OP to "just stop child support and terminate his parental rights". LOLOLOLOL, you can't just do that. You can't stop child support (once it starts), and termination of parental rights is something the courts take *very* seriously and is NOT an easy or short process (in most cases).

PP here, clarifying about sports events: that also includes practices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Is the dad to stupid to know the date, why does an ex have to tell the dad.

Mom is not choosing the child is. He is going to the championship and if dad wants to see his son he will need to go to the championship. If his son is not important to him he will skip his weekend again.