Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Is the dad to stupid to know the date, why does an ex have to tell the dad.

Mom is not choosing the child is. He is going to the championship and if dad wants to see his son he will need to go to the championship. If his son is not important to him he will skip his weekend again.

I don't think Dad is too stupid to know the date. I think this is more of a case of a lot of contingencies need to be fulfilled before the date is even an issue -- and this so-called "national championship" for a CHILD, not less -- really isn't as important as a family wedding, anyway.

Put it another way -- if there was no wedding, Dad could have other plans that don't involve the championship and child would be forced to miss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

On both sides...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

LOL you got that so backward. If the Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of HIS CHILD, then this dad can move his second wedding to be there for HIS CHILD.

If a pitcher can miss a game, you just proved the point a child can.

wedding date can (should) be planned to take the championship into account. The birth of a baby can’t be planned.

Mom should have given the dates as it is on dads time. Mom does not get to choose what happens on dads time and cancel the visit.

Is the dad to stupid to know the date, why does an ex have to tell the dad.

Mom is not choosing the child is. He is going to the championship and if dad wants to see his son he will need to go to the championship. If his son is not important to him he will skip his weekend again.

I don't think Dad is too stupid to know the date. I think this is more of a case of a lot of contingencies need to be fulfilled before the date is even an issue -- and this so-called "national championship" for a CHILD, not less -- really isn't as important as a family wedding, anyway.

Put it another way -- if there was no wedding, Dad could have other plans that don't involve the championship and child would be forced to miss it.

There is obviously a date. Dad ignored it when planning. The son's needs were ignored.

The #1 rule of weddings when somebody has children from a previously relationship is to NOT have an event that will alienate or embarrass the children.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of Dad's weekends have been consumed by this sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of Dad's weekends have been consumed by this sport.

How many mom's weekends have been consumed by sports?

When you have kids you are consumed by their events... chess tournaments, speech and debate competitions, robotic club events, band concerts, and sports events.

If you don't like it don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Your little snowflake has been doing this sport for only two years and you want him to miss his Dad’s WEDDING over a tween ‘national championship’. Lady, no. You sound bitter and you’re bringing race into it? So weird. The wedding is on Dad’s weekend so I’m sorry honey, you’ll just have to take that chip off your shoulder and let your son attend the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your little snowflake has been doing this sport for only two years and you want him to miss his Dad’s WEDDING over a tween ‘national championship’. Lady, no. You sound bitter and you’re bringing race into it? So weird. The wedding is on Dad’s weekend so I’m sorry honey, you’ll just have to take that chip off your shoulder and let your son attend the wedding.

2nd wedding... which is just tacky.

Go to the court house, get married, your kids don't have to be there.

What about the 3rd... miss his kids birth for DAD's day.

[Anonymous]

I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this with the perspective of someone who had a similar situation as an young teenager who was forced to go to dad’s second wedding. My sibling and I were ignored nearly all day by dad — which would not have been so bad of attention weren’t heaped on step-siblings. I think sibling and I were there for picture purposes. This was par for the course of our relationship with dad. For example, when we went to dad’s on Christmas Day we got to watch their family vacation videos. Woo-hoo! When we asked about going, we were told it was a family thing (eg step mom’s family). Awful. I resented both of my parents: mom for pushing us to have a relationship with dad who ignored us even on the rare occasions he bothered to be with us, and dad for ignoring us.

The take away for OP is this: you’ll never be sure of the outcome no matter what. I would prioritize dad’s wedding, and give him enough rope to do himself in from that point forward. All other events with dad I would leave up to the teen.

Forgot to say I also missed a sport event for dads wedding. If I had gone to the wedding, I would not have had the strong memory of being ignored at the event. I doubt very much that I would have carried guilt into the future about missing the wedding given subsequent relationship. YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your little snowflake has been doing this sport for only two years and you want him to miss his Dad’s WEDDING over a tween ‘national championship’. Lady, no. You sound bitter and you’re bringing race into it? So weird. The wedding is on Dad’s weekend so I’m sorry honey, you’ll just have to take that chip off your shoulder and let your son attend the wedding.

2nd wedding... which is just tacky.

Go to the court house, get married, your kids don't have to be there.

What about the 3rd... miss his kids birth for DAD's day.

"Tacky" is a judgment. And your judgment is neither valid nor relevant to the facts at hand. If Dad wanted to take him canoeing that weekend, he could do that over some inconsequential sporting event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More likely the court would point out that the dad has been largely absent by choice and side with the boy and OP.

My guess is the testimony would show mom has been using the sport to alienate son from his father. With success

No judge will think that a DAD is being alienated for a SON'S sport. The judge will be perplexed that a dad is totally uninvolved in his son's sport. What kind of dad does that... an absent one.

Seriously. The level of projection on this thread is incredible.

Seriously. The level of defensiveness on this thread is incredible.

If people are defending OP - and most of the people defending OP for the last few pages have been other people, not OP - it is because in this thread, many of y'all have assumed:

1) she is sabotaging her son's relationship with his father
2) she just wants his money
3) she hates her ex's girlfriend and is trying to sabotage that relationship
4) she cheated on her ex and left him for someone else

You do not have any actual facts to support those assumptions. You just don't. You know only what the OP has posted. Anything you are adding beyond that is your own imagination and personal history. Why should the OP take that seriously? Why shouldn't other people call you out for your wild interpretations?

There has also been a fair amount of craziness about the OP's ex's girlfriend's decisions related to this wedding. The OP does not know the rationale behind the date selection beyond saying that there is a specific reason for it. It is unreasonable to assume that the date was chosen just to prevent the kid from going to this sports event. It is unreasonable to assume anything about the girlfriend one way or the other, aside from that she is marrying the father of OP's son and has not been active in his life thus far.

Also, it is depressing to me the extent to which many of you are comfortable in totally dismissing what the kid wants. I can understand not allowing a toddler or an elementary school aged child to make a final decision, but it is appalling to me that the child's wishes are basically irrelevant to many of you. I feel so sorry for your children.