Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

Your father raised his voice and insulted your wife and you defended him and not her? Your mother called your wife lazy while PREGNANT and refuses to apologize and you think your wife is "unreasonable in her deep dislike"? You the biggest "A" hole if you're not a troll.

You expect your wife to get on a plane -- days before Christmas, arguably the worst travel days of the year -- six weeks after giving birth with her unvaccinated infant and 2-year old for your brother's wedding. Why? Because family is important to you or so you can save face? I suspect it's because you want show off and pretend that you have a perfect family life. In the meantime, your wife will be suffering through it all while you think she's being "unreasonable".

Just know that based on all of your posts, there are dozens, if not hundreds of people who are shaking their heads. Please go to individual therapy before you drag your long suffering wife to marriage counseling where you will no doubt try to bully her and make her feel small so that you can feel certain that you are right in this and every other instance. Hmm...You may just be my definition of an awful husband.

[Anonymous]

If my in-laws talked to me the way your parents talk to your wife there is no way I would send my toddler to stay in their care without my supervision. If that's how they talk to adults I can't imagine how they'd talk to a spirited two-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

not PP - they might have good intentions but their delivery is a failure. giving disparate gifts in a such a public way makes for an awkward situation at the very least. not a hill to die on on its own, for sure, but if a part of a larger picture (which it clearly is in the OP's case) then, yes, a reflection of a broader problem.

"I don't want that. Your present fails."

[Anonymous]

I would not take a 6 week old on an airplane!
Go to the wedding and take your 2 year old.

[Anonymous]

Your position is that your wife is unreasonable. You came on here arguing that point, hoping for agreement from the peanut gallery. The overwhelming majority told you that you had it ass backwards. You add details and history while insisting that she's unreasonable. More sympathy for your wife ensues. See where this is going?

Spoiler alert: your family sucks and your parents are terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for a little perspective. My brother is getting married 6 weeks after my wife’s due date (toward the end of this year.) We also have a son who will be almost 2 at the time. The wedding is a 3 hour flight away. I am the best man in the wedding and so will be somewhat busy during the weekend of the wedding with various wedding party obligations. My wife is already saying that she doesn’t think she will be up for traveling 6 weeks after giving birth. She keeps bringing up how she will still be recovering (she had a natural birth with our first and recovered very quickly), she had low milk supply so we supplemented with formula the first time around, probably will do the same with this coming LO, so she is also complaining about having to pack bottles and formula and sterilizing them and pumping to try to get her supply up. I get that it’ll be a lot of work to travel with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. However, I am a little frustrated because people do it all the time. And if it were her sibling getting married I know she would suck it up and go 100%.

Another thing she has mentioned is that she feels like she won’t have much help with the kids at the wedding because I am the best man. I told her I will make sure I am able to help her a lot, and especially my parents will help her but she wasn’t happy about that and in fact doesn’t want their help. She doesn’t like them and that is no secret. So I believe that she is using these excuses to get out of letting my parents see their grandchildren. Either way, I was curious what you all think. Is it reasonable for her to be saying months in advance that she probably won’t be attending my brothers wedding? (Which means my kids won’t get to attend it either? My brother has also invited my son to be the ring bearer but my wife wants me to tell him no. Again, I believe this is to limit my parents access more than anything.)

In reality the best man will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while being a best man.

In reality the groom's parents will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while co-sponsoring a wedding.

In reality, the mother of said 2 yo and infant who feeds every 2-3 hours around the clock will have to do everything, pack everything, clean everything, nap everyone, baby everyone, and not enjoy the wedding parties whatsoever.

If you want everyone to go - i.e. all 4 of you - hire a babysitter on location there for $100 a day plus whatever for evenings. Otherwise, let your wife stay home with one kid, or let your wife stay home with 2 kids plus babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

WOW, OP. Is your 2 year old ok??? Have you had him tested for cognitive abnormalities?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

Yeah, this discussion probably deserves it's own thread...but I'm with this PP. But, if it offends you, your spouse should raise it with their parents.

I can say for certain that with my parents the large checks are a way of handing over some of their estate without incurring taxes. They would usually write me a large check, and sometimes they would give DH a physical gift as well (like a sweater or something). They know we have joint finances, but in the past while we were merging them joint checks created issues which they know about. They've stepped up the amount they are gifting in recent years, so they will write each of us a large check in order to stay under the gift limits. I also wonder if, now that we have been married 9 years, they feel more comfortable handing large sums to DH directly. Obviously our finances have been joint since marriage, but I kind of get the hesitancy. My sister finds it offensive that they have treated BIL more like family over time rather than from their wedding day, but I don't. I'm generally more practical, though, especially when it comes to money.

This is very different from holiday gifts and is more like inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking for a little perspective. My brother is getting married 6 weeks after my wife’s due date (toward the end of this year.) We also have a son who will be almost 2 at the time. The wedding is a 3 hour flight away. I am the best man in the wedding and so will be somewhat busy during the weekend of the wedding with various wedding party obligations. My wife is already saying that she doesn’t think she will be up for traveling 6 weeks after giving birth. She keeps bringing up how she will still be recovering (she had a natural birth with our first and recovered very quickly), she had low milk supply so we supplemented with formula the first time around, probably will do the same with this coming LO, so she is also complaining about having to pack bottles and formula and sterilizing them and pumping to try to get her supply up. I get that it’ll be a lot of work to travel with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. However, I am a little frustrated because people do it all the time. And if it were her sibling getting married I know she would suck it up and go 100%.

Another thing she has mentioned is that she feels like she won’t have much help with the kids at the wedding because I am the best man. I told her I will make sure I am able to help her a lot, and especially my parents will help her but she wasn’t happy about that and in fact doesn’t want their help. She doesn’t like them and that is no secret. So I believe that she is using these excuses to get out of letting my parents see their grandchildren. Either way, I was curious what you all think. Is it reasonable for her to be saying months in advance that she probably won’t be attending my brothers wedding? (Which means my kids won’t get to attend it either? My brother has also invited my son to be the ring bearer but my wife wants me to tell him no. Again, I believe this is to limit my parents access more than anything.)

In reality the best man will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while being a best man.

In reality the groom's parents will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while co-sponsoring a wedding.

In reality, the mother of said 2 yo and infant who feeds every 2-3 hours around the clock will have to do everything, pack everything, clean everything, nap everyone, baby everyone, and not enjoy the wedding parties whatsoever.

If you want everyone to go - i.e. all 4 of you - hire a babysitter on location there for $100 a day plus whatever for evenings. Otherwise, let your wife stay home with one kid, or let your wife stay home with 2 kids plus babysitter.

Yep, all of this. To top all that off, she will be in a strange place (i.e. not her home) with two children, one will be a hot mess because they're a toddler thrown off their routine, and the other one... will be a newborn. And she may potentially still be healing from childbirth - I was still not 100% at 6 weeks. Sounds like a nightmare and I hope OP sees how selfish he is being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

Your father raised his voice and insulted your wife and you defended him and not her? Your mother called your wife lazy while PREGNANT and refuses to apologize and you think your wife is "unreasonable in her deep dislike"? You the biggest "A" hole if you're not a troll.

You expect your wife to get on a plane -- days before Christmas, arguably the worst travel days of the year -- six weeks after giving birth with her unvaccinated infant and 2-year old for your brother's wedding. Why? Because family is important to you or so you can save face? I suspect it's because you want show off and pretend that you have a perfect family life. In the meantime, your wife will be suffering through it all while you think she's being "unreasonable".

Just know that based on all of your posts, there are dozens, if not hundreds of people who are shaking their heads. Please go to individual therapy before you drag your long suffering wife to marriage counseling where you will no doubt try to bully her and make her feel small so that you can feel certain that you are right in this and every other instance. Hmm...You may just be my definition of an awful husband.

DUDE. I am very much usually on Team Suck it Up for Family, but these details. Man. You and your wife have some serious issues.

I think you can put your foot down and insist on taking the two year old, though you will have ot PAY ATTENTION to your child. Based on the oblivion's of this update, I do have a hard time imagining it. I also think you owe your wife a huge apology for not sticking up for her. Your mom was way out of line.

I would seriously suggest some counseling. Two kids is going ot be rough on your marriage. Your wife may or may not be a piece of work, I have no idea. But you clearly have problems with relationships if you think it's ok for your mom to act the way she does towards your wife. (and now your dad)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

OMG.

Right? And later he adds that his parents give him a big check for Christmas and give his wife a small Target gift card. And he thinks she's the unreasonable one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

Your father raised his voice and insulted your wife and you defended him and not her? Your mother called your wife lazy while PREGNANT and refuses to apologize and you think your wife is "unreasonable in her deep dislike"? You the biggest "A" hole if you're not a troll.

You expect your wife to get on a plane -- days before Christmas, arguably the worst travel days of the year -- six weeks after giving birth with her unvaccinated infant and 2-year old for your brother's wedding. Why? Because family is important to you or so you can save face? I suspect it's because you want show off and pretend that you have a perfect family life. In the meantime, your wife will be suffering through it all while you think she's being "unreasonable".

Just know that based on all of your posts, there are dozens, if not hundreds of people who are shaking their heads. Please go to individual therapy before you drag your long suffering wife to marriage counseling where you will no doubt try to bully her and make her feel small so that you can feel certain that you are right in this and every other instance. Hmm...You may just be my definition of an awful husband.

Op, his mother and his father are all a-holes. Wow. I feel so sorry for your wife and two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking for a little perspective. My brother is getting married 6 weeks after my wife’s due date (toward the end of this year.) We also have a son who will be almost 2 at the time. The wedding is a 3 hour flight away. I am the best man in the wedding and so will be somewhat busy during the weekend of the wedding with various wedding party obligations. My wife is already saying that she doesn’t think she will be up for traveling 6 weeks after giving birth. She keeps bringing up how she will still be recovering (she had a natural birth with our first and recovered very quickly), she had low milk supply so we supplemented with formula the first time around, probably will do the same with this coming LO, so she is also complaining about having to pack bottles and formula and sterilizing them and pumping to try to get her supply up. I get that it’ll be a lot of work to travel with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. However, I am a little frustrated because people do it all the time. And if it were her sibling getting married I know she would suck it up and go 100%.

Another thing she has mentioned is that she feels like she won’t have much help with the kids at the wedding because I am the best man. I told her I will make sure I am able to help her a lot, and especially my parents will help her but she wasn’t happy about that and in fact doesn’t want their help. She doesn’t like them and that is no secret. So I believe that she is using these excuses to get out of letting my parents see their grandchildren. Either way, I was curious what you all think. Is it reasonable for her to be saying months in advance that she probably won’t be attending my brothers wedding? (Which means my kids won’t get to attend it either? My brother has also invited my son to be the ring bearer but my wife wants me to tell him no. Again, I believe this is to limit my parents access more than anything.)

In reality the best man will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while being a best man.

In reality the groom's parents will not be "helping with a 2 yo and infant" while co-sponsoring a wedding.

In reality, the mother of said 2 yo and infant who feeds every 2-3 hours around the clock will have to do everything, pack everything, clean everything, nap everyone, baby everyone, and not enjoy the wedding parties whatsoever.

If you want everyone to go - i.e. all 4 of you - hire a babysitter on location there for $100 a day plus whatever for evenings. Otherwise, let your wife stay home with one kid, or let your wife stay home with 2 kids plus babysitter.

The real reality here is that OP parents have hated his wife for. Long time and are intent on causing trouble. They have forced a wedge and are trying to get sonny boy to pick the, over his wife. What a bunch of shrews. oP had better open his momma boy,eyes and grow a pair and start being the man his wife and children need. Time to grow up OP. That time was actually when your got engaged but now particularly it’s past due.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so bad for my blood pressure. OP awful. No more words. Poor wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so bad for my blood pressure. OP awful. No more words. Poor wife.

I mean, she bears some responsibility too. She married the guy. Then procreated with him. Then did it again. At some point she knew what she had gotten into and pulled the plug. But instead she is a dependent SAHM with this guy and their (now) TWO children. Bet she will have a third.