Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

wait I only read the first few pages but I am guessing he didn't take to the idea of taking the toddler himself, non?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wait I only read the first few pages but I am guessing he didn't take to the idea of taking the toddler himself, non?

OP said that he expects his wife to go but of course he'd help her out when he could (in between all the socializing) with the toddler. While she also looks after the newborn solo.

So no, in other words. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I was curious what others would think about this situation and it appears I’ve gotten my answer. I still think my wife should be willing to travel to see BOTH of our families with our children, health permitting. It would appear that is not the popular vote so okay, it’s been noted. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. If my wife refuses to budge and ultimately does not want to attend, I will accept her decision and have my MIL fly out here to help her with the kids while I attend solo. I know that everyone will be very disappointed to miss out on seeing my kids and my wife unfortunately, but we can always book a trip for a later time.

You're getting a lot of hate on this thread but I actually think you sound very reasonable and I'm on your side. I flew with a 5 week old and a 2 year old in the middle of November to my husband's cousin's Bar Mitzvah because it's what you do for big events for close family members. Your wife sounds like she's being totally unreasonable that she won't let you take your toddler. I understand if she doesn't want to go - it's a lot. But you should be able to take your toddler to this big event. I'm on your side here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wait I only read the first few pages but I am guessing he didn't take to the idea of taking the toddler himself, non?

He wants to take the toddler himself but his wife wont allow it.

[Anonymous]

Just read the whole thread. Wow! In addition to all the medical concerns for the baby and an active probably jealous toddler- you want your wife to travel and spend time with people who have called her lazy and yelled at her! OMG. She also knows you won’t stick up for her!!! You really need to defend your wife immediately. “My wife is a great mom.” “Do not speak to my wife like that - we do not yell.”

Why or why would she want to spend the weekend exhausted, lonely, stressed, possibly sore all the while knowing people are trash talking her while her husband does nothing nothing to defend and likely nothing to help with the kids? I am angry for her!

How sad for her. For the record, my husband would not even ask me to go. He would probably ask if it was OK if he went. I’d say yes and he would do whatever he could before he left to make sure I could survive - all the laundry, frozen meals, hired help, ect . . .

[Anonymous]

Anyone who has read DCUM regularly could have predicted exactly how this thread has turned out. I'm surprised that it only took 5 responses for someone to tell OP that they will be divorced. It's like Godwin's law of DCUM.

The lesson to be learned is, "don't ask for advice on DCUM about anything ever".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait I only read the first few pages but I am guessing he didn't take to the idea of taking the toddler himself, non?

He wants to take the toddler himself but his wife wont allow it.

It's his child too and she cannot refuse to let him take child with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait I only read the first few pages but I am guessing he didn't take to the idea of taking the toddler himself, non?

He wants to take the toddler himself but his wife wont allow it.

It's his child too and she cannot refuse to let him take child with him.

But she can question who will watch the child while DH and his parents, etc. will be focused on the wedding. She's entitled to know his plan.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this guy understands the recovery after childbirth nor the fact that flights are known disease vectors which is not good for newborns. The lack of care for his family's health is alarming.

Isn't marriage about love and support? Can't you support her decision when it comes to her and her child's health? I think health vastly trumps an event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family will be too busy to help. Seriously- they have other things going on and that is OK. If you seriously think you will have help take the toddler.

I would not put a six week old with no immunizations on a plane. Pimping and breast feeding in the beginning is SoOOo much work. It took to two months till it felt natural for me. She needs to concentrate on that and maybe getting some sleep.

You can’t predict how she will feel after the birth and people absolutely do not do this all the time. Ugh.

I think she is being generous by suggesting you go and she stays home with the kids.

This.

You are assuming her birth experience will be exactly like it was last time based on....what exactly? She could go late, the baby could be larger and cause more tearing/stress on her body, she could have to get an emergency c section and the whole six weeks would be eaten up by her recovery.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a young 20-something man-boy dad. I hope that he matures into the kind of man his wife and family need. Because he sure isn't that person now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

Yeah, this discussion probably deserves it's own thread...but I'm with this PP. But, if it offends you, your spouse should raise it with their parents.

I can say for certain that with my parents the large checks are a way of handing over some of their estate without incurring taxes. They would usually write me a large check, and sometimes they would give DH a physical gift as well (like a sweater or something). They know we have joint finances, but in the past while we were merging them joint checks created issues which they know about. They've stepped up the amount they are gifting in recent years, so they will write each of us a large check in order to stay under the gift limits. I also wonder if, now that we have been married 9 years, they feel more comfortable handing large sums to DH directly. Obviously our finances have been joint since marriage, but I kind of get the hesitancy. My sister finds it offensive that they have treated BIL more like family over time rather than from their wedding day, but I don't. I'm generally more practical, though, especially when it comes to money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I was curious what others would think about this situation and it appears I’ve gotten my answer. I still think my wife should be willing to travel to see BOTH of our families with our children, health permitting. It would appear that is not the popular vote so okay, it’s been noted. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. If my wife refuses to budge and ultimately does not want to attend, I will accept her decision and have my MIL fly out here to help her with the kids while I attend solo. I know that everyone will be very disappointed to miss out on seeing my kids and my wife unfortunately, but we can always book a trip for a later time.

You're getting a lot of hate on this thread but I actually think you sound very reasonable and I'm on your side. I flew with a 5 week old and a 2 year old in the middle of November to my husband's cousin's Bar Mitzvah because it's what you do for big events for close family members. Your wife sounds like she's being totally unreasonable that she won't let you take your toddler. I understand if she doesn't want to go - it's a lot. But you should be able to take your toddler to this big event. I'm on your side here.

Presumably your DH had no role at his cousin's Bar Mitzvah and was able to help with the kids. That's very different than here where the op is best man at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I was curious what others would think about this situation and it appears I’ve gotten my answer. I still think my wife should be willing to travel to see BOTH of our families with our children, health permitting. It would appear that is not the popular vote so okay, it’s been noted. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. If my wife refuses to budge and ultimately does not want to attend, I will accept her decision and have my MIL fly out here to help her with the kids while I attend solo. I know that everyone will be very disappointed to miss out on seeing my kids and my wife unfortunately, but we can always book a trip for a later time.

You're getting a lot of hate on this thread but I actually think you sound very reasonable and I'm on your side. I flew with a 5 week old and a 2 year old in the middle of November to my husband's cousin's Bar Mitzvah because it's what you do for big events for close family members. Your wife sounds like she's being totally unreasonable that she won't let you take your toddler. I understand if she doesn't want to go - it's a lot. But you should be able to take your toddler to this big event. I'm on your side here.

Presumably your DH had no role at his cousin's Bar Mitzvah and was able to help with the kids. That's very different than here where the op is best man at the wedding.

I think it's totally reasonable for her to NOT want to go. But she shouldn't try to prevent her husband from taking their toddler just because she doesnt like her in-laws. That's unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Expecting a woman to travel on a three hour flight 6 weeks PP with a toddler and a newborn, while you perform best man duties all weekend, is actually unreasonable.

She, on the other hand is being perfectly reasonable by staying home and encouraging you to go. If you believe you have enough help there, go and take your toddler so she can stay home and recover with the new born.

I also wouldn’t be keen on travelling on a flight that long with a newborn, before they’ve had vaccinations.

This x 1000. Dude, you need to back way off when you’re proposing you know how easy it might be to travel with a newborn AND toddler. Six weeks postpartum was the lowest point for me with both of my kids. It’s right when there’s a growth spurt, and you’re up nursing every 2 hours. Sleep deprivation is tearing its ugly head. You would not want to be in a hotel room with a toddler alone most of the time, sleep-deprived and dealing with a crying newborn. Nope.

Please get your head out of your a$$ and stop making this about your wife plotting some family drama. It’s selfish and unfounded on your part. If you really cared for her well-being, you’d take the toddler with you so she could have the weekend at home alone with the baby.

Agree with this. OP, i can't believe how selfish you are. Making it all about yourself and how much your parents want to see your kids.

Your wife, recovering from the birth (it is still a question how difficult/easy it will go), will be stuck taking care of toddler and 6 weeks old all by herself (i am pretty sure you will be out and about doing the "wedding" stuff), dealing with cleaning and disinfecting all that pumping stuff - which requires a lot of access to the kitchen sink/microwave (where are you staying? hotel? family house?). who will watch the toddler and the newborn while she is pumping, while she is cleaning all that pumping machinery?