When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

[Anonymous]

PP, if both parents are working fulltime then I highly recommend you outsource everything possible. Meals, housekeeping, yard care, car repairs, everything you can pay somebody else to do. This will reduce the overall work that both parents need to share.

Then, after outsourcing as much as possible, take a good hard look at what is left. Now ask: is this really necessary? Then ask yourself again, is it REALLY necessary?

After you reduce down the total household workload to a reasonable level, this should be split 50/50 between both working parents.

As to your yo-yo weight gain: this has nothing to do with time, nor the gym. It is 100% diet. And there is always time to moderate ones diet. Sorry but you are just making excuses for yourself in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you are willing to throw away a woman who, by your description, is wonderful, because she won't suck your dick as much as you want... Yeah, sorry but that's shallow. And I'm guessing your kids will agree with me and the others on here in that it's a real selfish reason to break up a family.

You guys KILL me. You expect your husband to go years without sex or anything beyond basic affection, just because you wash a dish till it sparkles or have been able to teach junior his ABCs. NEWSFLASH: your husband isn't your child. He needs an adult relationship with your chubby ass. WOW.

I take care of the kids AND my husband, and he takes care of me. It CAN be done. If you choose not to that's on you, not the husband who is TRYING to make it work with his selfish wife.

Agreed. I'm sure all the venom is coming from women who have abandoned the marital bed.

Wrong, in fact. I think OP is selfish, and my "marital bed" is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier.

Ugh- you sound like a big baby now. You were the one unhappy with the situation, not her- of course initial suggestions involved you making changes.
Either way she figured out the real culprit- stop whining about that now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier.

Well, that's your problem right there. You view marriage as a zero-sum game where you think she's trying to take advantage of you. You won't get along well that way. Everyone has to give 100 percent and then some, and you have to trust that your partner is doing that. Otherwise, you're angry because you think she's not doing the best she can. You assume she's trying to pull one over on you. So glad my husband isn't like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier.

Ugh- you sound like a big baby now. You were the one unhappy with the situation, not her- of course initial suggestions involved you making changes.
Either way she figured out the real culprit- stop whining about that now!

There is something very childish about it, isn't there. It's an attitude of "me, me, me", "I shouldn't have to do more than my fair share!" You treat her as if she's not a person with problems. You're supposed to be a team. Sometimes one of you carries the load, sometimes the other one does. It's not going to work if you just complain that she's asking more of you. I bet she does plenty. I haven't met a mother yet who doesn't. If you didn't like her birth control's effect on her libido, did you offer to get a vasectomy? No, right? It's on her I bet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier."

Why bitter? It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else. Sounds like it worked out. You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier? How was she supposed to know? You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on.

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier.

Well, that's your problem right there. You view marriage as a zero-sum game where you think she's trying to take advantage of you. You won't get along well that way. Everyone has to give 100 percent and then some, and you have to trust that your partner is doing that. Otherwise, you're angry because you think she's not doing the best she can. You assume she's trying to pull one over on you. So glad my husband isn't like that.

+100!!

[Anonymous]

Scenario 1: "Sex is important to a marriage. He's a good husband. Maybe I should put some effort into making sure our sex life is decent."

Scenario 2: "Well, I suppose if he insists on having sex with me, he could wash some dishes or something."

DCUM: You're an awful person for thinking that picking Scenario 2 as the first choice isn't the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scenario 1: "Sex is important to a marriage. He's a good husband. Maybe I should put some effort into making sure our sex life is decent."

Scenario 2: "Well, I suppose if he insists on having sex with me, he could wash some dishes or something."

DCUM: You're an awful person for thinking that picking Scenario 2 as the first choice isn't the way to go.

Pretty much sums it up. Although, awful might be a bit too kind. Probably hateful, or vile.

[Anonymous]

What a crock of shit some of you spew out of your pie holes. A DH doing dishes, running a vacuum, or cooking dinner is gonna increase sex drive? Please, thats nothing more than you turning your DH into a chump.. Thinking of my DH raming his strong tongue between my legs makes me wet. Dishes? Please. All I hear are a bunch of tired word out stale excuses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a crock of shit some of you spew out of your pie holes. A DH doing dishes, running a vacuum, or cooking dinner is gonna increase sex drive? Please, thats nothing more than you turning your DH into a chump.. Thinking of my DH raming his strong tongue between my legs makes me wet. Dishes? Please. All I hear are a bunch of tired word out stale excuses

You clearly know very little about women and/or marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a crock of shit some of you spew out of your pie holes. A DH doing dishes, running a vacuum, or cooking dinner is gonna increase sex drive? Please, thats nothing more than you turning your DH into a chump.. Thinking of my DH raming his strong tongue between my legs makes me wet. Dishes? Please. All I hear are a bunch of tired word out stale excuses

You clearly know very little about women and/or marriage.

And if more men truly understood that chores = sex, there would be a marked decline in marriage. But men are too fucking stupid in our 20s to believe it, so the cycle continues.

Seriously: MEN GET NOTHING OUT OF MARRIAGE. NOTHING. But by the time we actually come to this realization, it's too fucking late.