When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Why are you telling us this. You tell her?

[Anonymous]

Aww. All done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, that's a lot of assumptions -- and all wrong. Venting? Yes. Revenge? How is an anonymous posting revenge?

Do I have faults? Yep. But I do the big things right. And I've put more than enough effort into my marriage.

But about my question: Are there studies of the effect of a divorce that happens after the kids are out of the house? Any data or real information (not that I dismiss DCUM opinions, but I'd like facts)?

I think this question is a red herring. I dont think you are suck an altruist that you will knowingly and willngly resign yourself to decades of unmet needs. And you SHOULDNT do this anyway.

But in case you really want to know: I have met people whose parents divorced when they themselves were grownup, and the rug is pulled out from under them in every way. When something isnt what it seemed, or the thing that never was going to happen happens, it fundamnetally requires the person to make a huge adjustment. However, since your kids will likely be subjected to decades of misery too, because you wont be able to hide any of this from them, they might ask what the fuck took you so long?

[Anonymous]

I was happy my parents divorced. It took way too long.

One parent is remarried to their soul mate and i couldn't be happier for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, that's a lot of assumptions -- and all wrong. Venting? Yes. Revenge? How is an anonymous posting revenge?

Do I have faults? Yep. But I do the big things right. And I've put more than enough effort into my marriage.

But about my question: Are there studies of the effect of a divorce that happens after the kids are out of the house? Any data or real information (not that I dismiss DCUM opinions, but I'd like facts)?

I think this question is a red herring. I dont think you are suck an altruist that you will knowingly and willngly resign yourself to decades of unmet needs. And you SHOULDNT do this anyway.

But in case you really want to know: I have met people whose parents divorced when they themselves were grownup, and the rug is pulled out from under them in every way. When something isnt what it seemed, or the thing that never was going to happen happens, it fundamnetally requires the person to make a huge adjustment. However, since your kids will likely be subjected to decades of misery too, because you wont be able to hide any of this from them, they might ask what the fuck took you so long?

OP, please read "Imperfect Harmony"

[Anonymous]

I think this question is a red herring. I dont think you are suck an altruist that you will knowingly and willngly resign yourself to decades of unmet needs. And you SHOULDNT do this anyway.

I sure as hell did it. Calculated it down all the way. I wouldn't have done it any other way. More than happy to have put all my needs/desires on hold until my kids were out of school. My love for them knows no bounds. Male here

[Anonymous]

The damage that OP worries about is not going to be done when the kids will be in college and find out about your divorce. The damage is done now. Your kids growing in the home where is no love. And if you think that kids don't understand it, you are a total full. Children, even younger than yours, do see and do feel and do reflect on the parents feeling. They do see that there are no passion, affection, love between parents, no matter how hard you are trying to pretend (anyway, you cannot fake it on the daily basis for 15 years or so). The damage that you doing for children is that they learn the pattern of the relationships between man and woman from mom and dad. If you have daughters, they will have difficulties in future to identify a man they love, to fall in love, because growing up observing loveless relationship will mess up their mind. If you have a son, you will establish a pattern how to treat a woman, and he will fail as an adult if he will be treating a woman like you are treating your wife now. If you are truly worry about your kids, get divorce now. Yes, it is traumatic for them, but in the long term, it is less trauma than to grow up in the family without love. It is better for kids, if you separate, but remain in good, loving relations rather than stay together hating each other. You have to decide now,not when kids will be going to college, if you really love this woman and want to work on your relations, your love, or you don't and move forward NOW.

[Anonymous]

I love it. If you love your kids, get a divorce. Yes I know that is what you want for yourself but, really, you're doing it for them. The 1970s live on.

[Anonymous]

This sounds pretty miserable. And TBH, you do too.

What a disservice to your kids, your wife and yourself to sign up to be unhappy and unfulfilled for next ten years. You may think you can hold it in and hide it, but let me tell you, people will know you are not happy. Particularly your kids, who are intuitive and pick up on A LOT parents think they don't, and of course, your wife.

Either this is a rough patch you and your wife can mend or you leave. This in-between is super damaging to everyone. Being sad, stressed, resentful and yearning to leave your marriage for ten years is a terrible idea. I bet you will be really whiny and annoying to be around too during this decade-long length of time. You also may realize how alone and unfulfilled you could be when you are finally "free" and out of the marriage. Maybe you deserve that, for nothing else than not doing anything to correct issues in the present. Be an adult and fix your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah...OP really steuck a nerve. 13 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs.

Actually, no. We have a great sex life, now. But for 2-3 years when the kids were little? Nope. Good when it happened, but not nearly frequent enough -- and it WAS me saying no. But thank GOD my DH is nothing like these losers spouting their childish, selfish, pathetic misogynistic crap. I could never respect someone like that. He saw it as our problem, and worked to try to help me get back to where we needed to be. Just like I worked with him when he had a hard time in another area of life. How do you not take care of the mother of your children? What kind of man behaves like that? She's going through something, so you bail. Nice vows. That's not a man. THat's not even an adult.

His kids are in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. They are not little.

How do you not take care of your spouse at all? Does his emotional needs mean NOTHING.

I stand by my statement, but modify it to

Woah...OP really struck a nerve. 18 pages.

Me thinks many of you who are so upset are the spouse who is dead between the legs

You already made that dead between the legs jibe and no one cared then and no one cares now.

I certainly rattled you enough to respond.

Different PP here, but do you know the difference between "disagreeing" and "rattled"? Because it sounds like if anyone responds and disagrees with you, you think they're "rattled". Um, maybe we need to work on some basic vocab.

x2

[Anonymous]

I have an aunt and uncle who were in a very similar scenario. To keep it short, the husband left a year after their child started college. The effect? Their son lost the connection, closeness, and relationship with his father. Similar to your situation, the wife/mother didn't really do anything "wrong" or worthy of divorce, but he just fell out of love. I wonder whenever I see them, if he regrets his decision. The family he once had, although not perfect, no longer exists. He's living in an apartment with a roommate and his son doesn't want to spend time with him. Every situation is different, but I say you need to think BIG picture and maybe attend counseling sessions.

[Anonymous]

Hey PP - he's living with a "roommate"? The father could be gay. No wonder he was unhappy all those years.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. That actually makes perfect sense. He's also probably from a generation where people don't discuss that kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you are willing to throw away a woman who, by your description, is wonderful, because she won't suck your dick as much as you want... Yeah, sorry but that's shallow. And I'm guessing your kids will agree with me and the others on here in that it's a real selfish reason to break up a family.

You guys KILL me. You expect your husband to go years without sex or anything beyond basic affection, just because you wash a dish till it sparkles or have been able to teach junior his ABCs. NEWSFLASH: your husband isn't your child. He needs an adult relationship with your chubby ass. WOW.

I take care of the kids AND my husband, and he takes care of me. It CAN be done. If you choose not to that's on you, not the husband who is TRYING to make it work with his selfish wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you are willing to throw away a woman who, by your description, is wonderful, because she won't suck your dick as much as you want... Yeah, sorry but that's shallow. And I'm guessing your kids will agree with me and the others on here in that it's a real selfish reason to break up a family.

You guys KILL me. You expect your husband to go years without sex or anything beyond basic affection, just because you wash a dish till it sparkles or have been able to teach junior his ABCs. NEWSFLASH: your husband isn't your child. He needs an adult relationship with your chubby ass. WOW.

I take care of the kids AND my husband, and he takes care of me. It CAN be done. If you choose not to that's on you, not the husband who is TRYING to make it work with his selfish wife.

Agreed. I'm sure all the venom is coming from women who have abandoned the marital bed.