Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a DW in a similar situation. I work full time, have three children under the age of 6, pretty much run our household, and have struggled with yo-yo weight gain and loss. Mostly because I don't have time to go to the gym bc my husband expects me to run the household and do 90% of kid stuff in addition to working.

Our sex life sucks. But to be honest, it's DH's fault. [b]If he stepped up and tried to create a more relaxing environment that was conducive to intimacy (helping more in evenings so I can relax, making dinner maybe once or twice a week, actually planning and initiating a date night once a month, etc), maybe I would actually want to have sex with him. [/b]Instead I feel like I am taking care of another child....

So maybe you need to accept some responsibility here for your wife's lack of interest. Maybe she is tired. Maybe she needs some effort from you. For women, sex is 90% emotional.

[/quote]

That might work in your case, PP, since by your description you do almost everything and your DH is apparently just a lump who doesn't do much of anything. I got that suggestion from my wife with a significant difference being that I did a whole lot more than  your DH. Anyway, it was just wishful thinking on her part. When I stepped things up, giving her more leisure time. All that happened was she filled up the extra time with more discretionary activities and the sex didn't get any better. So I felt like a chump with no leisure time, no sex, and no discretionary activities of my own. Later on, she acknowledged that the problem wasn't me. It ended up being her birth control. But I still felt bitter that Option 1 in problems solving was "having me do more to make her life easier." [/quote]

Why bitter?  It was a reasonable guess at how to fix it, it didn't work, and you or she figured out it was something else.  Sounds like it worked out.  You're mad she didn't know what the problem was earlier?  How was she supposed to know?  You have a baby and get older and your body changes, no one hands you a manual that tells you the secret answers to what's going on. [/quote]

Because it seems self-serving that her first proposed solution was for me to do more to make her life easier. [/quote]

Ugh- you sound like a big baby now. You were the one unhappy with the situation, not her- of course initial suggestions involved you making changes.
Either way she figured out the real culprit- stop whining about that now![/quote]

There is something very childish about it, isn't there.  It's an attitude of "me, me, me", "I shouldn't have to do more than my fair share!"   You treat her as if she's not a person with problems.  You're supposed to be a team.  Sometimes one of you carries the load, sometimes the other one does.  It's not going to work if you just complain that she's asking more of you.  I bet she does plenty.  I haven't met a mother yet who doesn't.  If you didn't like her birth control's effect on her libido, did you offer to get a vasectomy?  No, right?  It's on her I bet.[/quote]

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