If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

I totally 100% understand how you feel this way and many others will. The piece you are missing though is how you would feel if your husband discovered it.

And do you feel this is a healthy home environment for kids to learn from (cheating/lying mom, who is not in love with their father. Gets her intimacy needs met outside of the family. ) Don’t you think that is going to screw them up??? You are kidding yourself, big time.

The whole narrative of how a parent’s affair screws the kids up is ridiculous. My dad had an affair with my aunt (his sister in law), and they ended up marrying. My aunt is now my step mom now. Big whoop. You learn to live with it. My dad is so much happier than he was with my mom.

DP. Yeah you have to learn to live with crappy things but sheesh you really don’t know what you’re missing out on. Frankly I think people who undergo family upheaval and say it’s nbd have issues they don’t realize they have. How old are you? Have you been to therapy? I wouldn’t be surprised if eventually you will realize this whole thing wasn’t the minor blip you think it is now.

It was obviously hard at the time when I was 18 onwards, but my mom was a classic narcissist, and I understood why my dad left.

I am 50. Of course I have done therapy, and my parents are in their 80s living their final years. Life is too short to hold grudges at this point. I also refuse to blame my parents on my issues. I own them.

okay so it was a big deal that was hard and probably screwed you up a bit and you needed to go to therapy to work on it.

Pp actually sounds like he has a very healthy outlook. All of our parents have done some screwed up things, we don’t have to let their messes determine the outcomes of our entire lives.

I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise.

Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Ok. But the initial pp, whose father married her aunt (!) sounds like she did the work and went to therapy, and doesn’t let her dad’s actions continue to victimize her. This is called being healthy and empowered and it IS an option when our parents are screwups. My parents both have untreated mental illnesses and I would hate to think that the trauma they put me through gets to determine the outcome of my life.

what does that have to do with saying "big whoop" about negative childhood experiences? Of course we need to take responsibility for our own lives and do the best we can with the hand we were dealt, but that doesn't mean that parents don't have an obligation to do the best they can to give their kids the best childhood they can. Which would probably mean not banging your SIL and making your kid's aunt their stepmom.

I didn’t really interpret the post as that dismissive.

Based on her subsequent posts, it sounds like pp actually has empathy for her father and understands that her mother’s behavior contributed to the dissolution of the marriage. That’s part of actual healing, unlike the pp who stalked the OW’s social media for a decade.

Acknowledging why this may have happened is part of the kind of nuanced understanding of what may lead to infidelity that does not play well on this board, where we are expected to understand that every single person who cheats is a monster.

I don't understand how saying "big whoop" about a family drama so extreme it could be on Jerry Springer isn't dismissive of how difficult that might be for a child. Yes she has empathy for her parents and yes that is part of healing for sure but it's definitely downplaying the struggle a child might face.

You’re reading way too much into a figure of speech.

DP and not the PP you're responding to, but the figure of speech "big whoop" is pretty unpleasantly dismissive in most any context. Verbal equivalent of a huge shrug. Applied to people's feelings about things like their upbringing, parental relationships, an affair, etc., it's intended to belittle the person's emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

I worked in a hospital several years ago. One of the nurses went aggressively after a guy who was in a prestigious radiology fellowship. He was married with kids and his wife had supported him all through med school and residency, but he chose to break his vows. The nurse got pregnant and became wife #2. She’s popped out 2 more kids and is enjoying the good life now.

Her "good life" is bought at the cost of constantly knowing -- or obliviously trying to forget -- that , as the saying goes, "if he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you." Maybe she's convinced herself she's his one great love, of course. Hope she enjoys her delusion and the "good life" she thinks she and her kids have.

The man's marriage must not have been good if he's having unprotected sex with someone who isn't his wife. Some of you act like men are simply innocent babes roaming the Earth, unable to resist any sort of temptation. It's always someone else's fault when he cheats.

Read the literature, even the most recent Hopkins study, it actually has ZERO to do with the marriage. Most men are very happy. They cheat for their own messed up reasons or just because they can in a 50-year marriage. It’s not the wife’s fault or the marriage.

A cheater is a person with no morals and horrible coping skills and very self-centered.

Can you send link?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think single women often don’t grasp the depth of what it means and how it affects people when men do this.

Nor do married women that don’t love their spouses.

This. Married women cheaters are different. They are done. The affair is an exit out—whether to get there mentally or big dreams of landing softly with someone new. Study after study shows the sexes very much differ….even that bad AM study by the Hopkins guy—all the men said they had happy marriages.

When these women cheat on their husbands, they cheat on their own kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

The MYOB cult here will hate this, but I'd consider outing her to the DH anonymously. He should realize that he might end up with an STI. Seriously, this is one reason why the cheated-on spouses, men or women, need to know about the cheating--especially in this case with the cheater having sex with not just one AP over a long time but a lot of different people.

[Anonymous]

^^^How does the PP know all that about her neighbor? Is it speculation from looking out the window, or first hand knowledge? Doing that at all, let alone over a decade, seems pretty extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^How does the PP know all that about her neighbor? Is it speculation from looking out the window, or first hand knowledge? Doing that at all, let alone over a decade, seems pretty extreme.

Someone that is a good friend of her from the old neighborhood had told me. And, yes out the window. Different homes over that time— I’m neighbor of 2nd/current home. I’m convinced part of the upgrade was for the guest “bang room”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

The MYOB cult here will hate this, but I'd consider outing her to the DH anonymously. He should realize that he might end up with an STI. Seriously, this is one reason why the cheated-on spouses, men or women, need to know about the cheating--especially in this case with the cheater having sex with not just one AP over a long time but a lot of different people.

Yeah. I'm part of this cult. We're called grownups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

Maybe a “hot wife?”

And who exactly is she pretending to? You?? Maybe the husband knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

Maybe a “hot wife?”

And who exactly is she pretending to? You?? Maybe the husband knows.

He definitely did not know. It came out but she downplayed it and mind warped him. A Willingness to disbelieve on his part. He has no idea how bad it was. She made it sound like a one time thing and a disgruntled wife from what I was told. No shame on her part, but half the zip code knows about her escapades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

Maybe a “hot wife?”

And who exactly is she pretending to? You?? Maybe the husband knows.

He definitely did not know. It came out but she downplayed it and mind warped him. A Willingness to disbelieve on his part. He has no idea how bad it was. She made it sound like a one time thing and a disgruntled wife from what I was told. No shame on her part, but half the zip code knows about her escapades.

Youngest is graduating from HS this month so it will be interesting if he walks after this. But then I guess the house will be free for longer hours…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

The MYOB cult here will hate this, but I'd consider outing her to the DH anonymously. He should realize that he might end up with an STI. Seriously, this is one reason why the cheated-on spouses, men or women, need to know about the cheating--especially in this case with the cheater having sex with not just one AP over a long time but a lot of different people.

Yeah. I'm part of this cult. We're called grownups.

So you grownups think another adult has no real right to agency over his own life and does not deserve to know if he's being exposed to STIs. Got it. You're the "Live and let live, MYOB" folks. At least, until you're the ones cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

The MYOB cult here will hate this, but I'd consider outing her to the DH anonymously. He should realize that he might end up with an STI. Seriously, this is one reason why the cheated-on spouses, men or women, need to know about the cheating--especially in this case with the cheater having sex with not just one AP over a long time but a lot of different people.

Yeah. I'm part of this cult. We're called grownups.

You can be whatever you want to be, dear.

Enjoy all your cats!

[Anonymous]

Didn’t feel bad for the spouse or kids. I was young and didn’t think about it or care. It was a fun while it lasted for 2 years. Great sex, wasn’t looking to marry the guy. But he did eventually get divorced. His wife was also having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several children whose fathers cheated. It devastated them. One women is incredibly insecure. In college she would wake up before her boyfriend to go pick full make up on so she would look "perfect" when he first saw her each day. And she was naturally beautiful. So sad. But she feared that she would lose him otherwise. Another saw her devoted mom alone, rejected and sad for the end of her life, while she HAD to watch her father have a new baby with his young secretary (both of whom had betrayed her mom) if she wanted any relationship with her dad at all. It was so painful for her.

Any stories where the mother cheated? I have some.

I know of two families where the mom had a child from an affair, and each mom pretended the baby belonged to her husband. This happens often enough that DNA testing should be a normal part of a newborn's hospital stay.

I know of another where the mom had an affair with their pastor and tried to blame getting an STD on the dad.

Let's get a little balance here.

I know one that invites men off the websites to bang her in the family home when her kids are at school and husband at work….for over a decade. Multiple affairs. No condoms needed. Husband still married to her. Neighbor. And, no, it’s not an open marriage. She pretends to be loving mom and wife. It’s sickening.

The MYOB cult here will hate this, but I'd consider outing her to the DH anonymously. He should realize that he might end up with an STI. Seriously, this is one reason why the cheated-on spouses, men or women, need to know about the cheating--especially in this case with the cheater having sex with not just one AP over a long time but a lot of different people.

Yeah. I'm part of this cult. We're called grownups.

So you grownups think another adult has no real right to agency over his own life and does not deserve to know if he's being exposed to STIs. Got it. You're the "Live and let live, MYOB" folks. At least, until you're the ones cheated on.

Grownups don’t insert themselves into others’ marriages. Especially if they are not best friends. It’s trashy AF and there is likely to be blowback on the busybody. You simply do not know what goes on behind closed doors.