S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soooo….how realistic is frequent sex at home if DH has an AP? The ones I’ve heard of have little to no sex at home.

Very. It’s usually the alpha male with a good looking wife at home who can still get whatever he wants on the side. And, attractiveness is directly related to greater chance of man stepping out.

Lol. It must be so painful to have such intense chemistry after 25 years and still have him run around on you.

Yes that was me and my ex. Much younger trophy-turned business woman wife and very high earner husband. AP was office colleague. After divorce both got fired, and his friends told me he had an affair at his previous job as well. Well before we met, I had no idea and wish someone told me earlier

There was a thread on here recently (I think) about would you want to know and most (if I recall) said no. Personally, I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

You know that it’s pretty normal to have sex once or twice a week in a long marriage? People who want more sex in marriage communicate that , not cheat

Not necessarily! Not if the sex is boring! Schedule it, roll over and do it, same position...UGHHHH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

You know that it’s pretty normal to have sex once or twice a week in a long marriage? People who want more sex in marriage communicate that , not cheat

Not necessarily! Not if the sex is boring! Schedule it, roll over and do it, same position...UGHHHH!

BS. Nothing was off the table in my marriage and we even had a few 3-somes. It’s not because the ow is some sex god. She’s just : different. Variety after the same person for 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying affairs are good, but at the same time these women saying it's great at home and the sex is plentiful are just delusional.

This. Sorry to those in denial, but this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

I don’t know. The fastest growing demographic of cheating due to the internet are SAHMs with older children (Ms/HS). The last divorces I heard of was a SAHM cheating. Boredom and looking to upgrade cone empty nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying affairs are good, but at the same time these women saying it's great at home and the sex is plentiful are just delusional.

This. Sorry to those in denial, but this.

If it helps you believe it could never happen to you and/or that he doesn’t have good sex with his wife still then continue to believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

I don’t know. The fastest growing demographic of cheating due to the internet are SAHMs with older children (Ms/HS). The last divorces I heard of was a SAHM cheating. Boredom and looking to upgrade cone empty nest.

Yes, upgrade is the key word here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

Yeah. He’s probably an outlier. Not a sex addict but always had crazy high drive and zero performance issues. He can make anyone feel like a million bucks.

It is frustrating to hear people think it’s not possible. It’s basically an insult. Though I know many really smart attractive women that are victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

I don’t know. The fastest growing demographic of cheating due to the internet are SAHMs with older children (Ms/HS). The last divorces I heard of was a SAHM cheating. Boredom and looking to upgrade cone empty nest.

Yes, upgrade is the key word here.

Yep. Raised the kids and want out of suburbia. Nothing to do with no career so they need somebody else’s big retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

You know that it’s pretty normal to have sex once or twice a week in a long marriage? People who want more sex in marriage communicate that , not cheat

Yeah, are there other stupid questions that are burdening you? I also know most of my girlfriends who talk about their marital sex lives or make suggestions about it aren’t suggesting much beyond statistical sexlessness, like 10x/yr or under. I try to assume the best and that everyone in those couples is cool but that wouldn’t work in my marriage, nor for DH. Honestly I think it’s fairly common for couples to feel afraid to communicate sexual issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

I prefer Matt Damon. Great family guy and friend. Seems no bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying affairs are good, but at the same time these women saying it's great at home and the sex is plentiful are just delusional.

This. Sorry to those in denial, but this.

If it helps you believe it could never happen to you and/or that he doesn’t have good sex with his wife still then continue to believe that.

I didn’t write that, and I don’t need help — you do. You’re ok. Your situation was anomalous and your next man is unlikely to be an anomaly. Please stop playing like cheating MOSTLY happens with such insanely eff—around men. Nothing supports that supposition.