Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re presumably in a country with attractive men, yes?

Go out and have sex with one of those French or Italian hotties. Hell, just tell your H you are and stay in a different hotel for an evening so he thinks you are. Fair’s fair.

God- posts like this our ridiculous.

She is staying with her parents. And, someone going through immense trauma and shock and loved their spouse doesn't immediately go--I'm going out to find some strange. Be blindsided in a long marriage with kids like that is so mindblowing you can't even put one foot in front of the other immediately, it feels like all the air went out of your body and you are going to throw up. Your head is spinning in outer space. The last thing sane and normal people do is run out looking to act the same. That is a response from a cheater or dysfunctional person. Most people don't change their inner/value lifelong morals because of what someone else did. No sinking to that level.

PP. Actually, I was cheated on by my H. I didn't sleep for days. Tried to make it work but cheaters don't change.

In retrospect, I wish that's exactly what I had done. Gone out and slept with someone right under his nose. Give him a taste of what I felt.

Plenty of cheaters change. All people and situations are different. I’m very sorry your spouse did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

For many people navigating an airport pick-up is truly a hardship, especially if they are 65+. I understand having a younger adult sibling pick you up, other than that factor a car service into your travel budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

For many people navigating an airport pick-up is truly a hardship, especially if they are 65+. I understand having a younger adult sibling pick you up, other than that factor a car service into your travel budget.

My dad is 66 and if he would NOT be happy to hear someone say he’s too old and senile to navigate an airport pickup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

To me it’s an issue of boundaries. There are other problems besides the cheating.

[Anonymous]

OMG who cares about the in laws and the airport.

The point is: she doesn’t need people who feel entitled to be close poking around when she is trying to figure out how to handle this. You don’t have to come up with a story for an Uber driver about why you’re not in the best mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

What? Why not?? My ILs have picked us up from the airport numerous times because they’re local. I’m sure this was arranged before the trip. If OP suddenly changed the plan, it would have looked suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

DP - getting married young is associated with increased risk for divorce, so there’s that.

Why is it hard to believe that people who married very young wonder who else is out there, or what other life they might have had? They don’t have the experience of being a single adult, which means total freedom. That’s a great experience to have.

Also, this thread sounds a lot like the doctor from a few weeks back who also married young and had a seemingly idyllic life with her best friend until she discovered an affair.

26 is young, but is it “very young?” Like, ok, dating the person you met at 18 does seem sort of limited but there are so many marriages where it is fine. It was the norm in my mothers cultural age group with successful, educated people, and for the most part it worked out. People in their late 20s are not infants, they’ve had enough experience as adults to make these decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that surprising that a man who got married at 18 (!!) wanted to live a little.

I wonder if this is a troll. Sounds very trollish. In-laws picking you up at the airport?

If you’re not a troll you need to establish some boundaries and cut the apron strings.

We got married at 26. Dated since 18. We have 2 little ones that need car seats and couldn't take a cab/uber so they picked us up in our car with the seats. Wish I was a troll.

Of course you have a reason. But you just deal with it and hire a car service with car seats. You don’t have your parents or his parents picking you up.

I am so thankful for my in-laws as they pick us up from the airport nearly every time we fly. I am sorry you don’t have that support.

Same, but it’s my folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

DP - getting married young is associated with increased risk for divorce, so there’s that.

Why is it hard to believe that people who married very young wonder who else is out there, or what other life they might have had? They don’t have the experience of being a single adult, which means total freedom. That’s a great experience to have.

Also, this thread sounds a lot like the doctor from a few weeks back who also married young and had a seemingly idyllic life with her best friend until she discovered an affair.

26 is young, but is it “very young?” Like, ok, dating the person you met at 18 does seem sort of limited but there are so many marriages where it is fine. It was the norm in my mothers cultural age group with successful, educated people, and for the most part it worked out. People in their late 20s are not infants, they’ve had enough experience as adults to make these decisions.

You don't think they were cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband sees this a lot with his high school friends. He is from a very small, southern town where many friends married their high school or college sweethearts. When they have a guys night out, the other guys default into this strange “what might have been” about some girl they encountered at 18 or 22 — even the ones that purport to be happily married for decades. These men are in their mid 50s. My husband finds it totally bizarre, but he married me at age 40 and knows full well that of all the options he ever had, I was his best choice. Frankly, the divorced ones in this fairly large group almost all divorced due to cheating. I’m sure there were other issues as well, but these men didn’t know how to handle it so their “out” was to cheat.

That's ridiculous. No one has to wait until 40 to get married. There are plenty of successful marriages where people married young. Frankly it's better because there is less baggage. It sounds like his friend group is kind of trashy.

DP - getting married young is associated with increased risk for divorce, so there’s that.

Why is it hard to believe that people who married very young wonder who else is out there, or what other life they might have had? They don’t have the experience of being a single adult, which means total freedom. That’s a great experience to have.

Also, this thread sounds a lot like the doctor from a few weeks back who also married young and had a seemingly idyllic life with her best friend until she discovered an affair.

26 is young, but is it “very young?” Like, ok, dating the person you met at 18 does seem sort of limited but there are so many marriages where it is fine. It was the norm in my mothers cultural age group with successful, educated people, and for the most part it worked out. People in their late 20s are not infants, they’ve had enough experience as adults to make these decisions.

It’s the “together since 18” part that’s the issue. These aren’t people who met at 24, after having gone through college and first jobs or whatever as single people. They’ve literally never been adults without each other.

The OP said they “never” argued or fought which strikes me as strange. Like, never? You have little kids and never fought about some aspect of their care or discipline? Even while sleep-deprived? It sounds like there was zero space in this relationship for anything negative - they didn’t even have separate hobbies. For most people, that’s just not sustainable.

Again, that doesn’t excuse the cheating or mean the OP isn’t understandably devastated. Just that from an outside perspective, it’s not all that shocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

This. I haven’t personally gone through it, but I would be very hesitant to become a single parent to 2 young kids and have less money.

I have gone through it, and IME raising 2 young kids with someone who lied to you and can’t be trusted is not netter than being single with less money. The characteristics that made my Ex cheat are the same characteristics that made him a neglectful dad and a dangerously unreliable husband.

Now I have not gone through it, but knowing myself, I think I'd be like you. I don't think I'd have it in me to deal with 3-5 years of trauma recovery on top of the risk that my husband hadn't really changed and I'd have to confront the whole thing again at some point in the future. But I know that I have grit and could manage the struggles of single motherhood and having less money.

However, if I knew that divorce would be a major hardship for my kids because they had emotional issues or something, that would change the calculus. But just having more work as a single mom with a single income? That's the hardship I'd choose.

Some of these men aren’t bad fathers though. Some happen to be really great, involved dads. My spouse even did laundry and vacuumed, etc.

It’s all situational. People who have strayed aren’t all the same. They all will respond differently.

I agree with the risk of going through tremendous trauma and recovering only to possibly have it happen down the road again. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. My therapist talked about “guard rails” and communication.

You are never the same after suffering a big betrayal. And that goes for pretty much all aspects of your life.